Bill Cable watches the Watchmen!
Posted by: Bill Cable 03.04.09 12:01am

Hello faithful readers! I know this isn't strictly Star Wars related, but I was able to catch a sneak peak screening of Watchmen on Monday, so I figured I'd write up a little review for you guys who might be considering seeing it this weekend. Let's begin with the non-spoiler assessment! The movie had long stretches where it was thoroughly engrossing. During those time I was absolutely engaged, and for those times I whole-heartedly recommend you see it. But then there are other times where it fails... some times catastrophically. If you choose to dwell on those sections, or just naturally can't get past them without ill effect, then you might not have as good of an experience. So if you're a film snob like my brother who can't enjoy anything, you probably won't enjoy this.

Now let's get to the SPOILERS!!!

Let me begin by disclosing that I have been pro-SQUID ever since I heard Snyder was changing the ending. I'd like to think I can still view the ending objectively, but I won't claim to know if that's the case. So keep that in mind as you read.

Like I said, I give this movie thumbs up. I saw it for free Monday, but it's likely I'm going to pay to watch it again if I can find some other folks to go with. Overall I had a good experience. But it's hard to write a review without centering on the flaws. So don't take my critiques here as meaning it's a bad film. It's a conflicted film. It didn't meet it's full potential. What it did well it did amazingly well. But what it did bad it often did spectacularly bad. I'm hoping the director's cut will redress some of these shortcomings. I know I won't get the alternate squid opening I really want (and DESERVE!), but hopefully other parts that felt rushed will improve.

In general, I'd say the movie was its best when it kept most true to the comics. Any time they attempted to write or deliver dialog that didn't come off the pages, it came up short. It seemed as if the screenwriters approached the changes from the viewpoint of “What would Alan Moore write in this spot?” and they invariably came up with a very pale imitation. Often it was painful. I don't think I'm just reacting negatively because of my affinity with the source material... but the added lines just felt way out of place... from an awkward, campy movie nobody here would ever go to see.

Now, this next paragraph you might not want to read. See, if you read what I'm about to point out it might make you more susceptible to what I experienced, thereby adversely affecting your experience. So you've been warned. One of the worst thing about Watchmen was the music. I've watched a bunch of films... and never before have I had a time where the music selection just grabbed me by the short hairs and threw me out of the movie, into the parking lot. It was just that jarring. During the big sex scene on Archie... a sex scene which had the potential to be just super-hot... they completely ruined it by playing that Hallelujah song from the Shrek movie. It was groan-inducing. I thought Night Owl was going to have the same dysfunction issues he had the first time they tried to hook up. I certainly couldn't have performed with that song blaring. And when the songs weren't miserably out-of-place, they were so awfully, slaw-jawedly appropriate that it was painful. It was like playing “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” during an action movie trailer. Captain Obvious could pick more stereotypical selections. It was sad. I was telling my brother this film could have been twice as good if they asked Quentin Tarantino to pick the songs. As spot-on perfect his every musical decision can be, that how far off the mark Watchmen was. I gotta get the Blu-ray and watch that scene on Archie muted...

My biggest disappointment was, of course, the ending. I'm not even going to get into how it's stupid, untrue to the book, and wouldn't work as planned. The way it's crafted and executed was just poor. Ozymandias didn't have anything on the guy from the book. In the book he was passionate. Driven. Empathetic. He was so concerned that the human race would become extinct he was prepared to do awful things to prevent it. In the movie he was soulless. Cold. It was just a numbers game. He had no heat. He didn't even exalt in his victory, which I felt was a fantastic moment from the book. He just acted as if he knew everything would go as planned, and he moved on to the next item on his list. So that came off flat. Then there's Night Owl. In the book he showed he was pragmatic, volunteering to go ahead with the cover-up. It showed he wasn't a hero after all. This obviously contrasted to Rorschach, who refused to compromise under any circumstances. In the movie, Night Owl says nothing. Then he sees Rorschach killed. Then he punches Ozymandias a whole bunch of times. That was another failure that didn't make much sense. God... I could go on and on, dissecting just about every line. Because every line failed.

What I missed most, though, besides the squid, was the closing scene between Ozymandias and Dr. Manhattan. I thought it was one of the greatest scenes in the entire book. We have these two aspiring gods contemplating the universe in a way only such powerful beings could. We have Ozymandias' absolutely critical moment of doubt. We have Manhattan's destiny. It gives me goosebumps just remembering it. And it was removed entirely from the film. Instead Manhattan tells the Silk Spectre what he plans to do, and later the Silk Spectre awkwardly delivers Manhattan's observation to Night Owl for whatever ridiculous reason. Just poor, poor execution.

There were other things that might bug you. Dr. Manhattan is hung like Dirk Diggler, and he's free swinging scene after scene. You try not to look, but you look. Then you stare. Also, they went and made Ozymandias gay. Way gay. “Revealing my secret identity with the Village People” gay. The pyramid from his front corporation... it's pink. The roof of his building is a giant, inverted, glowing pink triangle. I've read that some people concluded he's gay in the comic, but I never got that vibe. Here... yeah... they couldn't have made it more obvious. And I don't think it added anything to the film or the character.

Then there was the near-constant harping on global warming crap. I suppose the threat of nuclear Armageddon wasn't enough... we gotta fear fossil fuels!! I don't see what the film gained by hitching on the Al Gore wagon. Then there was the swipe at George W. Bush. Petty, though it got a chuckle from some in the crowd. I figured a book with this weight and this history would be delivered more reverently.

So those are my complaints. I'd love to get into how spot-on perfect Rorschach was, and how great the Comedian was when he wasn't trying to be old and sad. But I'm outta time. So take my word, on balance the movie had more great elements than bad. And you should see it! Enjoy it as much as you're able for what it is, and try not to lose yourself in tentacle-free blues.