The Wookiee Roars - Episode 04

by Steve Rensi
on 2021-01-13, 07:26:15

"ACTION FIGURES AND THEIR BULLETS"

I am a simple man, and thus like simple things. I prefer things to be uncomplicated and un-superfluous. I don't do subtext or subtlety. I prefer function over form. And so it is I like my beer: simple, cold and American. I like Lagers. And when I go a bar and order a beer, and say "Lager" I want an ice-cold, best in a bottle, Yuengling from America's oldest brewery. A beer that tastes like freedom, that when you open one up, you can hear a bald eagle scream.

And so, while I appreciate the article and series and the work that goes into them... I quickly get irritated by the "Action Figures and their Beer" articles. You get fancy beers, and hoppy beers and beers with flowers and fruit and God-knows-what-else in them. You want to be fancy, drink wine. Raise your pinky with your glass as you write out a check to your local PBS affiliate. And if you want a high ABV with your beer... just drink whiskey and be done with it.

So yeah, I'll judge you on your beer order... especially if it's a high-hops brew that you can't wait to swill while telling me that true communism has never been tried before.

And so, when I was brainstorming ways to once more enter the fray as a regular and permanent CreatureCantina.com staff member I almost chose a feature I would call "Action Figures and their Bullets." Concept was simple enough, pair up characters / action figures with a bullet caliber that best matches their personality and characteristics. Brilliant right? Each week would be a new caliber. I would go out to the range, put some downrange and then write my poignant thoughts down. What calibers I didn't own, I could borrow from friends or rent at local ranges. Yeah, well turns out that article is a horrible choice when faced with the greatest ammo shortage in our generation. So I scrapped it.

I would still like to share with you my initial list of pairings of action figures and calibers and why I feel they would be a good choice:

.22LR – R2-D2: The .22 Long Rifle, like R2, is a super, super versatile round. Fired out of a rifle or pistol, this small, sometimes unassuming round will never let you down and sometimes even pull your ass out of a pinch. Sound like any Astromech you may know?

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.380 – Princess Leia: More and more women are entering into gun ownership and becoming concealed carry licensees. The .380 is the smallest round many put faith into as a man-stopper and produces manageable recoil for the usually smaller frame female shooters. Easy choice for Leia.

9mm – Luke Skywalker: A round that when first introduced, felt a little under-powered, a little whiney. But with training, development and new tools has become a capable, superb round and the go-to choice for many shooters today.

.40cal – Stormtroopers: A round preferred by law enforcement for years, also a good lesson in the dangers you create by compromising for uniformity.

.45ACP – Han Solo: The all-American round favored by gunfighters everywhere, winning Two World Wars and still getting the job done today. If there isn't a round better suited for the greatest gunfighter in the galaxy, then I don't what is.

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.308 / 7.62mm – Boba Fett: A heavy hitting, accurate round that some would call overrated... but damn, if it doesn't consistently get any job you give it done.

Springfield .30 / 06 – Anakin Skywalker: "He is the Chosen One"

.270 Winchester – Nein Numb: A good, flat-flying caliber that will get the job done without flair and underrated by many for larger, flashier rounds.

.223 / 5.56mm – Rebel Commando: A round favored by freedom fighters across this galaxy and ones far, away...

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6.5 Creedmoor – The Mandalorian / Din Djarin: The new wonder cartridge that will do-it-all. It flies faster, hits harder and will make everybody and their grandma a better shot behind the trigger... and guess what, kinda lives up to the hype.

350 Legend - Rey "Skywalker": The new straight-walled cartridge that gets great press and wants you to believe it's better than the 6.5 Creedmoor... until you fire it and decide, that it may in fact be overrated.

12 Gauge – Chewbacca: You want one round to do it all, get the job done right, never fail you, win the fight for you and always be ready to defend the homestead from all threats foreign and domestic... get a 12 Gauge. In fact the only thing more dependable than a pump-action 12 Gauge is Chewbacca.

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