The REVIEW: Don't Read This If You Have Not Seen It! Posted by: Ric Nimrod 5-22-02 12:01am You know what I saw the other day? Children buying STAR WARS TOYS!! It was beautiful. It told me that despite the current problems in the world... everything is OK, Star Wars is back and its back for the kids. I felt it at that moment and I felt it at 12:01am on 5-16-02 and I feel it now. Did you feel it? Did you feel that the force was back? DIDN'T IT FEEL GOOD? I will tell ya that it feels absolutely fantastic. BUT now the problem is all the dorky, geeky (hereby called the dork-geeks), Star Wars fans (this includes me) are frothing at the mouth with speculation and excitement. Although that is not a BAD problem, as Star Wars arguing is one of the great past times in my life, it does...however... make for frustrating conversations with friends (I mean, it is obvious that MY theories are the most probable and everyone else is full of bull crap). Star Wars is all anyone can talk about right now and that means all is as it should be. BUT now the dork-geeks are RANKING the film against the other films in the saga. The TYPICAL ranking goes like this. 1- Empire 2- Hope 3- Clones 4- Jedi 5- Menace Now I ask you my loyal Nimrodians (or dork-geeks, whatever you prefer) WHY would we start ranking this film already? It is not even a week old. As a matter of fact, I would not even critique it until today. It would seem like jumping the gun to RANK the film against the others, I have learned this lesson before. I walked out of the theater in 1977 proclaiming that A New Hope (then known only as Star Wars) was the GREATEST film I had ever seen! Of course I was 9 years old AND the film did revolutionize the theater going experience for the world. I walked out of the theater in 1980 at the age of 12 PISSED OFF that my hero had been frozen and taken away, PISSED that Vader was LYING to Luke and PISSED that I would have to wait 3 years to find out what happens (of course, 3 years is a LONG time when it represents 25% of your life) I walked out of Jedi in 1983 PLEASED as hell and thinking I had seen the greatest film in my life. Flash forward 16 years to 12:01am on May 19, 1999 and as I watched my first new Star Wars film in years I was smiling... and I walked out of the theater thinking I had seen the GREATEST film ever. (Hey, Star Wars does that to me :) I mean there is something magic that happens when "A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY" appears on the screen and BAM the Logo appears and the theme is blasting form the speakers...) MY POINT: I walked out of EVERY Star Wars movie thinking I has seen the greatest film ever except ONE. And that ONE film that I was so pissed about in 1980 is now not only my favorite Star Wars film, it is my favorite MOVIE of all time. So with that in mind I promised I would not proclaim the film anything other than good until I had time to digest it. Well I think I have digested it now. I have seen it five times and feel as if I can talk about the good and bad in this EXCELLENT addition to my mythology. I LOVE this film. I can't really RANK it for a year or so (though many dork-geeks are proclaiming it the best Star Wars movie... lets face it, it ain't ESB). Even ranking in a year would seem unfair until we see the WHOLE story, but I can finally review the damn thing. Let me start by saying that this movie is fun and exiting. At the very least, a Star Wars film should be that (and many would say the TPM was NOT that). I have seen this movie 5 times and it still keeps my attention, with Menace... after 3 viewings I was killing time to the Pod Race and then sleeping until the Saber Duel. Attack of the Clones IS STAR WARS, it feels like it, smells like it and RAWKS like it!!! But it is not without its flaws. EVERY Star Wars movie with the exception of Empire has one or two things that REALLY rub me the wrong way. NOW ANH was exempt from this because it looked its age and that was part of its charm, BUT NOW since King George made a special edition I can safely say that Greedo shooting first PISSES ME OFF. Empire (both editions) is PERFECT (despite a few editing errors). I can forgive the poor direction and lame/phone-in performances in Jedi BUT those PESKY Ewoks... they PISS ME OFF! Many would blame Jake for being the worst of TPM and even more would say it was Jar Jar but for me it is the Midi-chlorians and the Virgin Birth! I can forgive a snotty kid and a stupid Gungan BUT these midi-clorians fathering a child business PISSES ME OFF!!! So, what is it in Attack of the Clones that really PISSES me off? 3P0s banter? Nope. 3P0 hanging from a platform by his fingers? Nope. 3P0 and the Battle Droid head exchange? NO, NOTHING TO DO WITH 3P0. The love scenes? Nope. The sometimes really BAD CGI? Nope... I can ALWAYS forgive special effects if the story is good. How about the fact that there seems to be NO logical reason for the Tuscan Raiders to keep Shmi alive for a month after taking her? No, that's not it either... although that is a good point :) So what gives Nimrod, what pissed you off? (I think I am talking to myself again, or at least typing to myself) ANYHOO The Great and Wise Nimrod is PISSED about R2-D2 having BOOSTER ROCKETS in Attack of the Clones. This is just a total disregard for any continuity in the Star Wars universe. DID R2 NOT THINK THOSE ROCKETS WOULD COME IN HANDY ON DAGABOGH? Why not just FLY OUT INTO THE STORM and locate Luke on Hoth? Why not FLY AWAY FROM THE JAWAS ON TATOOINE? So that is the one thing that really CHAPS MY ASS about this movie. Thus it will never take the top spot, but WOW... everything else is pretty damn cool! Other than that rocket business the character development is great with Mace, Obi-Wan and Yoda being stand outs. Without any fart or poo-doo jokes, the humor found its way back into Star Wars (Yoda busting Obi's balls about losing a planet, Obi calling the Jedi council the "old folks home" are only a few examples). The love story worked for me and when Padme, facing certain death finds that the only regret she has the lack of love... the one thing that she has given up for her life in politics is the warmth of the human touch, when she is facing that arena and turns to Anni and says "I truly, deeply love you" I BELIEVE HER! So you have heard what I hate and what worked for me NOW lets talk about what I LOVED. LIGHTSABERS, LIGHTSABERS, LIGHTSABERS!!! All of it. The Obi chopping Zam scene, the Arena scene with Jedi DYING EVERYWHERE, the Anni + Obi vs. Dooku scene and the PART WITH YODA WELDING A LIGHTSABER are ALL among some of my favorite Star Wars scenes ever. I love Obi-Wan the detective. I love Yoda and his Younglings. I love the city of Coruscant!! I LOVE the political manipulation by Palpatine (also among my favorite parts of TPM)... I mean, this Palpy is one bad ass dude. He plays both ends against the middle as 2 different personas and when he plays Binks to be the patsy... brilliant. Lucas took the most hated and despised piece of toy-marketing fluff he had and SERVED HIM UP ON A PLATTER. Jar Jar Binks is responsible for The Republic becoming a dictatorship and handing the Emperor (a sith lord no less) a huge army. I love Hayden as the boy-who-would-be Vader. He has the perfect blend of evil and charm, He is scary and at the same time handsome as heck. I love Padme. I am no Natalie Portman fan (perhaps that will be a column some day... why I don't like Natalie) BUT I am a Padme fan. She was so sensual in this movie... the picnic scene, the backless dress scene, the FIRE PLACE BOOBIES SQUISHING OUT OF HER DRESS SCENE, and the HARD NIPPLE lets rescue Obi-Wan scene. Grrr baby, very grrr! I love how Cliegg Lars is almost JUST LIKE Uncle Owen only without a leg. I LOVE THE LAST HALF HOUR, the fire and lasers and BAM and monsters and Clones and YODA SAVES THE DAY and JEDI and the Dooku fights and Nute Gunray wants Padmes' head on his desk and THE FRIGGIN' DEATH STAR PLANS... I love this movie. I could nit-pick about stuff like bad editing during the Zam chase scene or the end of the film. But this film can get past some editing problems and I am not really a picker of nit. I am a lover of Star Wars! What we have here my loyal Nimrodians is a DAMN FINE Star Wars movie. As strong as could be expected and anyone who says it ain't... don't know sh*t... THIS is THE Star Wars movie... by that I mean that the little strikes by the rebellion are just skirmishes... the Battle of Hoth, just that, a battle. The Endor/Ewok situation, while an embarrassment to the Empire as it leads to their defeat is still small potatoes compared to this. This my friends, my loyal Nimrodians, you dork-geeks... this is war... we have finally seen our first star WAR. Nimrod