Action Figures & Their Chocolate Bars
Posted by: Beedo Sookcool 07.22.09 12:01am

Wa tetu dat uta, gang! Well, we've pretty much exhausted the Action Figures & Their Beers theme for the time being. And this broken arm of mine (which is almost completely healed, now) gave me a LOT of time to think of ways to keep myself entertained so I didn't go stir-crazy. Needless to say, after buying and either watching or reading half the contents of amazon.co.uk, I ran out of ideas and went stir crazy. Which is the only excuse I have for this bit of pointlessness:

TRACKER:

Not really a chocolate bar, it’s a granola bar (or “cereal bar with crispies” on my sample) with chocolate chips in it.  The wrapper proudly proclaims “The only bar with the three layered CRUNCH, GOO & CHEW topped with delicious choc chips.”  Sounds disturbing, I know. Still, it’s got healthy, wholesome granola for goody-two-shoes Matt Trakker, and naughty, indulgent chocolate chips for Scourge, the Tracker (and presumably, his huntsmen, the Sweeps).

MARS:

What is known as a Milky Way in the States is known here as a Mars bar.  Ironic, considering that the man who invented Mars and Milky way did so over here in England . . . and he was an American.  Then, when he'd made his mark and brought the chocolate back to his homeland, the names ended up being changed, probably For Legal Reasons.  But anyway, what we call a Milky Way over here doesn’t even have an American counterpart, as it’s most like a Three Musketeers with whipped white chocolate fluff in the middle instead of milk chocolate.  Why’d I bring all this up, apart from the trivia?  Well, in the original cantina character sketches for Star Wars, a design that was labelled as “Martian” eventually evolved into two species: Rodians and Morseerians. Hence the connection.  Man, I’m really stretching it, aren’t I? Okay . . . .

GALAXY:

What do you get for a man who owns the galaxy?  Well, pretty much everyone enjoys chocolate. Britain’s answer to Hershey’s Symphony, nowadays it’s targeted solely at women who belong to book clubs (talk about niche marketing!), although originally it was for everybody.  For manly English chocolate (it’s even got “No Girls Allowed” on the wrapper), you need a Yorkie bar: a thick, chunky brick of milk chocolate you can concuss somebody with if you threw it hard enough.  It's like a Chunky bar, but stretched out instead of square-shaped.  Sexual dimorphism in confection: who’d’ve thunk it?

Anyway, if you want something you can beat a troll to death with, try the 1-kilo Christmastime Family-Sized Galaxy bar.  That’s right.  A kilogram.  For those of us who still use the good old Imperial measurement system, that’s 2.24 pounds of Hershey’s-Symphony-quality chocolate.  To give you a sense of scale in the picture above (taken in the summer of 2000), I’m just a shade over two feet wide in the shoulders.  So that bar is about a foot and a half long, eight inches wide, and half an inch thick. That’s a lot of chocolate.  Took me over three weeks to get through . . . and I had help.

BOUNTY:

The English version of a Mounds bar: two thick ingots of moist, chewy coconut coated in thick milk chocolate.  Again, obvious connection with the figures.  There’s no English equivalent of Almond Joy, but we also do a Bounty covered in dark chocolate, which ain't bad, either.

DAGOBA:

I first tried a Dagoba bar while visiting Columbus, Ohio’s German Town and found a bar of their Hazelnut Milk Chocolate in a gift shop.  And it was gooooood.  Normally, I avoid anything labelled “organic food,” because I find it painfully smug and pretentious.  (ALL food is organic; I challenge anyone to find me an edible silicon-based chicken — and I don’t mean a dish called “Robot Chicken” from some Chinese take-away.)  But if it’s beer or chocolate, I’ll make exceptions to my usual avoidance of organically-labelled food.  Still, once I mentioned the stuff to my West-Coast friends known online as Findswoman and Schmuckuss, they very kindly went out of their way to track down a selection of other flavours and send them to me, including Lavender Milk Chocolate (fragrant, very tasty, and soothing) and Xocolatl.  Xocolatl is based on the original Central American recipe, which means it includes chilli, spices, and roasted cocoa nibs.  All-natural, weird (but delicious; it’s my favourite flavour of theirs), and called Dagoba — this stuff’s got Yoda’s name written all over it.

TO WRAP UP:

Yeah, I know.  I need to get a new gag.  In my defence, that's what a diet of painkillers and Monty Python will do to you.  Until next time, gang, take it as easy as possible, and may your hunts be rewarding!