I dreamed up this article's headline over a week ago, back when I hoped I'd get to see it at a sneak-peak screening. That didn't happen, but I did get to see the film over the weekend. And after seeing it, I think the proper headline should be "Bill Cable endures what he expected to be the humiliation that is Star Trek." But that's just too damn long...

I went into Star Trek expecting to be blown away. It received gushing reviews from just about everybody. That's unusual for any movie, much less a sci-fi movie. So I was ready to see a fantastic movie that would truly bury the Prequels... expose them as the embarrassment that they are. Star Wars would go from mainstream to repulsive nerd geeky. Trek was about to become cool... pretty much for the first time ever. And in the eternal Star Wars v/s Star Trek war, Trek would finally have the upper hand.

That's not exactly what happened... at least not for me.

The only major reviewer I saw who didn't give the movie top marks was Ebert. It turns out, I agree with Ebert. The movie was just... shallow. It was fluffy. It was sci-fi light. It was sci-fi pasteurized and homogenized for mass consumption. And by being all those things, it didn't really feel like Trek.

I suppose I should reveal a bit of my history. I'm not a Trekkie. I saw many of the old Trek episodes in re-runs when I was really young, but I don't know that I could describe a one. I've seen a handful of Next Gen episodes. One or two DS9s. So I'm no devotee. But I have seen almost all the films. I didn't see the last two, but I saw all the others before them. I've seen Khan many times over. I actually really enjoyed the first one. First Contact was fantastic. So that's where I'm coming from with Trek.

And in my opinion, the new Trek doesn't hold a candle to the old Trek. It's shinier and 'splosionier, but that's all it is. It felt like a carnival ride... thrilling and fun, but ultimately empty. Most Treks have depth and philosophy. This one had Kirk with puffy hands.

I think most of the problems that happened with the film came down to how they handled Kirk. That's a real shame, because I loved Chris Pine's take on Kirk. But what they did with Kirk was criminal. He was always doing one of two things... running, or getting the snot beat out of him. So I guess the new version of macho hero is the guy who can either avoid or absorb the most punishment. Kirk should be dealing out the punishment, damnit! And they completely took away Kirk's enlightened side. I understand the new Kirk was an fatherless, uneducated punk. To do that to him was a disservice. And it's pretty much is how they handled almost all the other characters. The only character who actually seemed deeper than their old-school counterpart was Uhura... mostly because she really didn't do much of anything in the originals.

And I'd like to note that you don't make your characters seem smart by having them calculate interstellar trajectories in their heads... something for which any truly smart person would utilize a computer. Especially when you have one that talks to you... "Hey computer, what's that trajectory?" In trying to make them look exceptional, they made them look silly. Then they go from spewing a dozen mathematics terms that almost nobody in the audience could possibly understand to spending five minutes explaining the concept of a divergent timeline. I was ready to stand up and slap Spock and yell "We get it... we've all seen Back to the Future!" It was as if they were simultaneously pandering to and patronizing the audience.

In all these things, I think the new Star Trek betrayed the old Star Trek. It just wasn't very Treky. And that's why I feel that the Star Wars franchise holds up well in the face of this latest volley. Say what you will about the Prequels... they were undeniably, at their core, truly Star Wars. They may have been poorly executed, and they had Jar Jar and all that political garbage, but I never felt they sold out its roots. If anything it was far too slavishly dedicated to them. With the new Trek they decided to go the dumbed-down, shallow, mass-appeal route. As a result, the movie was a thrilling, fun action ride. I was hoping for something deeper.