I bought one of those V.I.P. passes that granted
me admittance an hour before the regulars. At
least Steve Sansweet (head of Lucasfilm’s
fan relations) and Missy Peregrym (the girlfriend
of Satan’s bounty hunter in the T.V. show
“Reaper”) showed up. So the guest
list wasn’t a complete loss. After I got
her autograph, I walked the aisles and aisles
of vendors, examining their wares. There was
everything one could want or hope for: Posters
for the new “Clone Wars” movie, the
latest and greatest Indy and Star Wars toys,
compromising pictures of Bill Cable, hard to
find video…wait a minute! What did I see???!!!
I went back to be sure my eyes weren’t
playing tricks on me and sure enough, there
they were, pictures of CC.com’s founder
in a…in a…Star Trek Uniform! Oh the
pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could tell by looking at the photos that these
were created in photoshop, and really bad photoshop
at that! Like my boss would ever be caught dead
wearing on of those…things. I sensed immediately
this was a plot to destroy our fine fansite,
and I knew it was my job to put an end to it…but
how? Then, an idea came into my head. Perhaps
I could play to the attending fan’s sense
of morality and use it to our advantage!
I
approached the dealer, and the following dialogue
is what transpired between us. (My words are
in italics.)
“I
see you have pictures for sale of Bill Cable
in a Star Trek Uniform.”
“That’s
right! Once these get dispersed among the public,
CC.com’s reputation will be ruined and
our website will take its rightful place as
purveyor of fine fan fiction. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I
see…well would you agree that Star Wars
brings out the kid in all of us?”
“I…guess.”
“And
having a pillar in the Star Wars fan community
like Bill Cable pictured in a Star Trek uniform
is downright pornographic!”
“Yessss.
Isn’t it wonderful!!!!”
“So
what you’re saying is you’re openly
engaging in the sale of child pornography!!!”
“YES!!!
I…wait, what??? NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
But it was too late. Some of the surrounding
fans heard his exclamation and were none too
happy about it. Needless to say, the incriminating
photos disappeared while the poor shop owner
was being thrashed, pummeled, and being dragged
away by the police. But before he was hauled
off, he whispered a final statement in my ear.
“You
may have me, but there are three other dealers
that are selling photos like these, and they
won’t be as easy to stop! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
He was a fool revealing his hand, or their hand
as it were. Now my mission was clear. Enjoying
WizardWorld would have to wait. I was on a mission
from Bill.
It didn’t take me long to locate the second
vendor. His pictures showed Master Cable standing
in front of the Star Trek Experience in Las
Vegas. Now all in all, that wasn’t so bad,
but they were being sold at a measly $5.00 apiece!
I mean c’mon, shouldn’t the price
range be in the same neighborhood as a picture
of Harrison Ford??? Anyway, a shapely young
brunette dressed like Princess Leia in her slave
bikini was checking out his wares. Next to her
was what appeared to be her boyfriend, dressed
like Conan. He really looked the part, bulging
biceps and all. He looked like he got his exercise
bench-pressing motor homes. Then, another idea
surfaced in the dark recesses of my mind. What
this situation needed was a little…Force
persuasion on my part.
The seller came around from behind the table
to better hock his wares. As he sidled up to
the brunette, I used my Force ability to take
control of the seller’s right hand, which
rose up and smacked the girl right in her behind!
She let out a shrill squeak, spun around, and
slapped the vendor square in the face! That
was nothing compared to what her boyfriend did
to him, picking him up off the ground and spinning
him around in the air. He body slammed him down
on the hard concrete floor. Then the barbarian
proceeded to grab the back of this poor mope’s
underwear and pull it completely over the seller’s
head. I don’t think there was anyway he
would ever be able to pry those Fruit of the
Looms out of that Temple of Doom! Expo security
came along to break up the fight, but not before
the incriminating photos had performed their
disappearing act, along with yours truly.
Now it was on to find vendor number three. It
didn’t take long before I found him, selling
pics of Bill dressed like a Klingon, and these
were supposedly autographed, no less! They were
all signed “Best Wishes, B.C.” I could
just smell the forgeries, but how to acquire
them? Force choke? Sith mind trick? What would
work best? Let’s see, perhaps if I…
“Big
fan of Star Trek, eh?”
“Oh
yeah. HUGE fan!”
“So
you must be upset that since you’re working
here, you have to miss out on the ultra exclusive,
top secret, Star Trek fondue party being held
right here at WizardWorld Chicago!”
“What?
Where? When?”
“Like
I said, it’s an ultra exclusive, top secret,
Star Trek fondue party being held right here
at WizardWorld Chicago, in fact, it’s supposed
to start…in fifteen minutes, I believe!”
“Fifteen
minutes??? Well, who’s going to be there?”
“Only
the complete surviving cast of Star Trek, in
addition to the whole cast of Deep Space Nine,
Voyager, and Enterprise.”
“EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY DIDN’T THEY ANNOUNCE THIS???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO…”
“Shhhhhhhh!
Are you serious??? If word of this got out,
this convention center would be mobbed! There’s
the possibility of riots! The police force of
Rosemont isn’t equipped to handle that.
So this all had to be kept under tight wraps!”
“Well
then, just how did you find out about this?”
“I
happen to be Leonard Nimoy’s cousin’s
best friend’s nephew’s former landlord…
on his Mother’s side.”
“Oh
well, if that doesn’t make you a viable
source, I don’t know what would. But what
should I do with my booth? I can’t just
leave it unattended, but this is a once in a
lifetime opportunity, I can’t pass it up!”
“Tell
you what, I’ll watch your booth for you.”
“You
will? Great! But why? And how do I know I can
trust you? I don’t even know you.”
Time for a little Sith mind trick. “You
can trust me.”
“I
can trust you.”
“You
have nothing to fear.”
“I
have nothing to fear.”
“You
should be going now.”
“I
should be going now.”
“And
forget you ever saw me.”
“And
forget I ever saw you.” With that, he hurried
off, I took what I came for and before leaving,
hung a sign on the table saying: “FREE
STUFF – HELP YOURSELF”.
Now I was off to find the fourth and final vendor.
Word must have gotten out I was looking for
him, because he proved to be very illusive.
Time to call in my legion of Bothan spies. I
sent them out, and soon enough, I received word
as to the location of my quarry. He was at the
far end of the hall, right near where all the
artists sit. As I approached, I couldn’t
believe it, he had what appeared to be a Jedi
bodyguard! The Jedi detached his lightsaber
from his belt, ignited it, and took a defensive
stand. The seller rose and started mocking me
as I drew near, holding up his laptop.
“You’re
too late Sith! I’m just about to transmit
my picture of your leader, Bill Cable and all
of his motley crew onto the wide world web!
You may be able to destroy the copies I have
here, but you can’t stop the Internet!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
What is it with all the maniacal laughing anyway?
The vendor raised the index finger of his right
hand high in the air and brought it down hard
on the “ENTER” key. I had to act fast.
I pulled out my double bladed lightsaber which
I had cleverly concealed in my swag bag, ignited
both blades, and charged in. The Jedi deflected
my attack, but I could tell something was amiss.
No self respecting Jedi, or Star Wars fan for
that matter, would defend a filthy purveyor
of manufactured Star Trek photos.
“You’re
no Jedi!”
“You’re
right! I was hired to dress like this and keep
the likes of you away! I haven’t even seen
Star Wars!”
“You
haven’t seen…Star Wars??? Not one
of them?”
“Nope!
I’m a James Bond fan.”
“You
dare to put on the sacred garments of the Jedi
Order, and have never even seen…BLASPHEMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The vendor shouted that fifty percent of the
photo had been uploaded. No time for me to dilly-dally.
Calling upon the dark side, I sent a wave of
Force lightning into the Jedi imposter. He screamed
in pain and took off running in the direction
of the exit. I spun my lightsaber around and
brought it down on the laptop, cleaving it in
two and halting the upload. The vendor became
white as a sheet, turned, and ran after his
fake Jedi bodyguard, from the smell of things,
I think he soiled himself first. I scooped up
the pictures and was gone before security arrived.
Getting to a safe and somewhat secluded area,
I decided to take a gander at the latest stack
of photos. These were group shots of the whole
CC.com staff, each having their head superimposed
over one of the Star Trek crew. Bill was Kirk,
Tresob was Spock, I was Uhura…UHURA????!!!!
Someone was going to pay for this, and as all
my money had been spent in the artist’s
alley, it sure wasn’t going to be me! Never
fear fellow readers, next year WWChicago returns
to Chicago, once again in August, and Darth
Danno will be there, upholding truth, justice,
and the CreatureCantina.com way!
Darth
Danno
See
you back here next week for another thrilling
chapter of “Indiana Jones and the Sith
Stone”!
