New Star Wars video game plans scrubbed (Part II)
Posted by: Darth Danno 09.26.07 12:01am
All right folks! By now, I'm sure you've all been wondering what could possibly have gone wrong with plans for such an awesome and cool game such as Dejarik. Like I said, the game was meticulously crafted; yet one crucial element was lacking. Thanks to my network of spies and informants among the wretched hives of scum and villainy throughout the galaxy, I was able to acquire a recording of the conversation between the head of Lucas Licensing and the video game designer. So here it is, uncut and unedited for your reading pleasure. (I've put the dialogue from the head of Lucas Licensing in italics to help differentiate between who's speaking.

This video game idea sounds fantastic! I can really see you put some work and thought into this. I'll just have to run all this by George to get final approval, but I don't see anything here that's not to like. If all goes well, we can start designing this for a Christmas 2008 release. I just have one question.

Absolutely!

I've read a lot of Star Wars publications, which is a necessity in my business for coming up with new and different Star Wars games. Nowhere have I ever seen any instructions on Dejarik. So tell me, how exactly is it played?

How do you play it???

Yes, I know you have different creatures that move around the circular board, but do specific creatures have specific directions they can move, like chess. Also, how may moves can each person make per turn, do you have to wipe out all of your opponents holomonsters, or is there a specific beast that is essentially your king that once they've been taken, the game is over.

Yes.

Yes what?

Well, you see, you move your creatures around the board and...they can attack the opponents creatures when...

I understand that, but it can't always be the case of the biggest creature wins, otherwise what is the point of playing with the smaller ones?

Good point! You see, the game of Dejarik requires skill, in addition to concentration. You need to plan your moves, in addition to your opponents countermoves...many moves in advance, and...

Do you mean to tell me that you planned out this whole elaborate video game design, and never even stopped to consider you don't have the slightest idea how Dejarik is played?

Well...um...uhhh...yeah.

I...see. Okay, here, on my desk next to my phone, are four red buttons, do you see them?

Yes.

Good! Now pressing the first one will bring in four incredibly strong, incredibly nasty security guards who will personally and forcibly remove you from the premises and bar you from re-entry. Pressing the second button will cause the seat you are sitting in to tip backwards, the floor behind you to open up, and you will slide down a chute and be deposited in the dumpster behind the building. The third button encloses me in a protective forcefield, while a panel in the far wall opens, and three hungry kath hounds emerge and essentially rip every ounce of flesh from your bones.

And the forth?

That simply opens the door and you leave quietly.

I'll take the fourth.

Most people do!

But don't I even get a little something for all the time and effort I put into this???

Like what?

I don't know, something...anything!

Hmmmmmm. Let me think, what could I possibly give...a-ha! I have it! Let me just look in my closet here to see if I got rid of it or...no, that's not it. Maybe it's back...no. Let's try over...Hello! I found it! You can have this!

What is it?

It's a genuine Wookie costume! Someone gave it to me, but it doesn't fit, so it's just been taking up space in my closet. I think it will fit you though. Here, try it on. Okay, just put one leg in at a time, there, that's it! Now the body goes on like this, and zips in the back, I'll get that for you. Now here are your hands, and here's the mask! There! You look great! I'm sure you'll win first place at any costume party you go to.

Thanks...I think. It's kind of warm though, could you help me take it...

Oh man! Look at the time! Got another appointment in five minutes. When you leave this office, just go down the hall and to the left, there's a bathroom and you can change in there.

But I can't reach the zip...

Great meeting you! Come back if you ever figure out how Dejarik should be played! Phew!

He then crosses to the intercom on his desk.

Miss Sacul, would you please let those Trandoshans on the twelfth floor know there's a Wookie stuck in the men's bathroom on the eighteenth floor, they still hunt them for slaves, don't they?

Darth Danno