UGH goes further out of control!
Posted by: Beedo Sookcool 08.16.06 12:01am
Pawtucket, RI - The brains behind Hasbro’s exclusives program, Mr. Richard Head, has struck marketing gold once again -- literally!

“I knew we were onto a good thing with the Ultimate Galactic Hunt,” said Head. “Website exclusives that take forever to ship, an exclusive Clone Wars Gunship that we made, like, ten of, a Target-exclusive Grievous that only shipped to half the stores in the USA, a San Diego Comic-Con-exclusive 501st Stormtrooper that’s only available in one building on the planet for about an hour, a mail-away exclusive George Lucas that required you to track down ridiculously underproduced army-builders to complete the coupon, and twelve different chase ‘pewter hologram’ UGH mini-figurines distributed amongst only ten chase UGH characters -- I was proudest of that last one -- it all adds up to what we think the collectors REALLY want from this hobby: a challenge! And we’re happy to give it to them.” But for all his successes with the UGH, one thing didn’t sit right with Head.

“I’m kind of annoyed that the Shadow Stormtrooper exclusive from StarWarsShop.com was so easily available,” he admits. “Sure, we limited the amount any one collector could buy to five, so nobody could actually get a full squad of them without a great deal of hassle and calling in loads of favors, but that’s still too many toys making their way into the hands of customers.” Head spits out customers as if it’s a swear word. “That’s when I had the idea of making Shadow Stormtrooper Commander chase variants,” he confesses. “Not one, not two, but FOUR!” His slimy faces beams with malefic delight. “I’d like to see those completist bastards try to get their hands on all of THEM!”

The first variant, dubbed the “Shadow Pauldron” Commander, has a light bluish-grey pauldron which perfectly matches the light bluish-grey accents on the Shadow Stormtrooper’s helmet. It will only be available at one Target outside San Francisco, the precise outlet yet to be determined. “I figured since there are so many fashion-conscious people in ’Frisco, that’d be a natural place to sell it,” said Head. “I mean, you know, it’s all color-coordinated, and they like that kind of thing out there in California.”

The second variant, the “Crimson Pauldron” Commander, was originally slated to be a Wal-Mart exclusive. But then Head had another one of his trademark strokes of genius. “The red pauldron for this commander of Carnor Jax’s forces was intended to be a deliberate insult to the Royal Guards to which Jax once belonged. Then I thought, ‘Where to they have REAL royal guards?’ Why, England, of course!” When asked how that would work, Head replied, “Fortunately, Wal-Mart bought out the British hypermarket chain ASDA, so we can offer the red-pauldroned commander in the UK, and ONLY the UK. With the airport lockdowns they have over there now, American collectors will NEVER get their hands on any of those!”

The third variant, the so-called “Stealth Pauldron” Commander, will feature the black pauldron with extra ammo pouches already found on the TSC basic Sandtrooper figure. “This will be the easiest variant to produce and therefore the most common,” assures Head. “But in keeping with his ‘Stealth’ theme, we’re not actually going to tell anyone where you can get it. You’ll just have to go out and look all over the place until you find one.”

The final variant, the “Gold Pauldron” Commander, was conceived of as the Ultimate Prize in the Ultimate Galactic Hunt. “The pauldron-flash is plated with actual 24-karat gold,” Head enthuses, “and the armor plates will be carved out of real semi-precious onyx!” Furthermore, the silver and blue-grey accents on the helmet will be made of real silver and opal. “We’re only making one of these, and we’re launching it blindly into space aboard an exclusive packaging-rocket shaped like a Star Destroyer,” he says. “That way, any collector who wants it will actually have to go out and hunt around the galaxy for it!”

Although none of these pauldrons ever appeared in the comics, Head insists these exclusives will be as accurate as possible for Expanded Universe fans. Each Shadow Stormtrooper Commander figure will come with a scale reproduction of the BlasTech DLT-19 “long rifle” which the Shadow Stormtroopers actually used in the Crimson Empire comics. “We get a lot of complaints from ‘purists’ saying they won’t buy anything from the Expanded Universe and that we blaspheme against The Lord George’s Holy Saga by even speaking of such apocrypha, but they’re such hate-filled fundamentalist sons of bitches, I have no qualms in pulling this kind of stunt just to thumb my nose at them.”

When asked if all these hard-to-track-down and expensive exclusives might lead to financial problems and possible bankruptcy for Hasbro (as happened with another exclusives-happy industry notable, Palisades Toys), Head dismissed the notion with a wave of his hand. “Palisades, Schmalisades. I begged the Dark Lord Satan to convince the Palisades bigwigs that thousands of ridiculously rare exclusives in every single one of their toy lines would be a good idea simply because I wanted to eliminate another competitor through bankruptcy. I’M the favourite of Lucifer, so I’m confident all MY ludicrous exclusive ideas will bring more collectors and their money INTO the hobby, not drive them away in droves.”