Interview: Hasbro Research
Posted by: Tresob Yr 02.25.05 12:01am

This week, Gary Longsnoot conducts an interview with head of Hasbro Research and Marketing, Mr. Percival Cranrattle. During the interview, Gary asks some tough questions concerning Hasbro’s Fall line up of Star Wars action figures.

G: Let’s cut to the chase, Mr. Cranrattle. Fan reactions to some of Hasbro’s upcoming Star Wars toys have been ambivalent. While many of our readers are certainly looking forward to hours spent in fruitless pursuit of short-packed clone variants, many of them find the pursuit rather discouraging.

PC: Oh, Gary. You say that as if it’s a bad thing! No, you really must understand the method to our madness. It’s psychologically proven that in order to encourage repetitive behavior, it is much better to only sometimes give the test subject what they want. Think of consumers like squirrels trapped in boxes. There’s a button in the box. If the squirrel presses it, he’ll get an action figure. Now, what if we suddenly stop putting action figures out there when the squirrel presses the button? Well, he’ll soon think the figures have run out, and he’ll stop pressing the button permanently. BUT, if you randomly select when the button will bring action figures, that poor little bugger will just keep pressing that little button to no end, because he’ll always think there’s a chance a figure will come out. Now, instead of the box, think toy store; instead of the button, think cash register; and instead of the squirrel, think consumer.

G: And instead of action figures?

PC: Heh. There’s nothing besides action figures, Gary. Except maybe vehicles...

G: I see. Then there’s the matter of the other non-clone repaints slated for release this Fall. The collectors I’ve talked to seem less than enthusiastic about these figures. Aren’t you a little afraid they’ll become peg-warmers?

PC: Not so long as there are completionists, Gary. And wait until you see all the variants and cardstock typos we have planned for these figures.

G: Do you really think there are enough completionists to create a sufficient demand for these toys?

PC: Not really, Gary. Let me level with you...we’re just seeing how much we can get away with. Personally, I want to see how far collectors are willing to go.

G: What do you mean?

PC: I mean, fans realize that in order for us to keep making figures, we have to know it’s a lucrative market. If they don’t buy these toys, we’ll have to close up shop. If we stop production, they’ll never ever get their hands on their beloved Commander Cody figure...or the Ice Cream Machine Man for that matter. The squirrel has to keep pressing the button if he ever hopes to get the action figure he wants.

G: Gee, that sounds like a kind of threatening tone...almost like you are extorting the fans.

PC: That’s because I am, Gary. That’s because I am. I hope your readers are paying close attention to this.

G: That’s a bit creepy, Mr. Cranrattle. Now, let’s move on to another controversial issue: Star Wars Transformers. What are your hopes for this line?

PC: It’s obvious, really. While we know that some fans like to dabble in multiple franchises, our main hope is to cross-fertilize. By combining the two lines together, both Star Wars and Transformers completionists will feel compelled to buy these figures...and then, hopefully, they’ll feel compelled to buy all the figures in both lines. The guy I stole it from was a genius. I also suggested making fruity scratch-n-sniff allegiance stickers and adding a Strawberry Shortcake logo on the package, but in the end, we were afraid it would cost us most of the younger demographic.

G: Rumor has it that these toys are going to be popular Star Wars characters who transform into Star Wars vehicles. How will this affect playability?

PC: To be blunt - pretty badly. I mean, how the heck does a human being transform into a spaceship? It’s stupid. Kids will never buy into it.

G: So why not create a crossover where Transformers become Star Wars vehicles, and include Star Wars characters as pilots or Targetmasters?

PC: Wow. That’s a really cool idea.

G: Mean you never considered it?

PC: Sarcasm, Gary. Yes, We considered it. Do you think I’m an idiot? But the licensing issues alone would be a nightmare, not to mention one very important problem.

G: What’s that?

PC: Transformers in the Star Wars universe would be too cool.

G: Too cool?

PC: Yeah. I’m about to let you in on a little secret. We’ve conducted very scientific studies and discovered that all consumers have a coolness quotient. See, a collector can only handle so much cool. Let’s say the average collector can absorb about 20 units of cool per week. A popular Star Wars toy has about eight units of cool, whereas a popular Transformers character has about 15 (he has the coolness of a vehicle toy AND a robot).

G: Fascinating...

PC: Thus a Transformer character that became a Star Wars vehicle would have 23 units of cumulative coolness - and that’s all in one toy. Purchasing that many units of cool could send the consumer into coolness overload, and he or she might not buy another toy for a month.

G: Sure, sure...

PC: We discovered, however, that a Star Wars character who transforms into a Star Wars vehicle actually has a mean average of 11.5 cool units, which leaves the consumer open to buying a second whole figure that week.

G: Of course...

PC: If you think about it, it explains a lot. For instance, this is why there’s always at least one really sub-cool figure in a multi-pack. Remember the cinema scenes? You’d get two cool figures, and maybe one lame one. That’s because two cool figures add up to 16 units of cool. You only have four units left, which is about how cool an uncool figure is. It’s also why the TRU Exclusives generally had several figures nobody wanted. Just try spreading 20 units of cool across four figures and exclusive accessories. Do you see now what I’m up against? The poor guys in the G.I.Joe department have even been experimenting with negative coolness factors in order to come under the coolness limit for their exclusive six packs.

G: Sorry, you were saying?

PC: I was just saying thanks for the interview, Gary. All these and other fine Hasbro products will be available this fall for fans, collectors, and children everywhere!