Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag! PART ONE
Posted by: Sandy Rivers 04.06.05 12:01am
First, my apologies for keeping this little gem under my hat for so long, but I wanted to make sure my research was complete before the grand unveiling. It came to me as an innocuous package one brisk November day while I was in the midst of lamenting the pitiful performance of the Dallas Cowboys, a bright beacon of hope on an otherwise bleary and gray day. As I opened the box, the faint waft of pineapple and coconut filled my nostrils and I could hear the distant sound of a steel drum. The day had come, I'D BEEN BAGGED!!!

After screaming like a first-time teen beauty pageant winner, I decided that I would take up the cause and become the Bag's historian. After months of exhaustive research, here are my discoveries:

The Bag was found in a dumpster outside of Kenner by long-time collector Steve Denny, where he kept it as a novelty souvenir from one of his many "diving expeditions." Soon after the Bag's discovery, Steve inexplicably disappeared from the public eye. In 1989, almost a decade later, he was found in a cave surrounded by proof cards and mumbling something about "My Precious.”

After convincing him that he'd be better off without the Bag, founding Inner Circle Members took the Bag as their own where it was sent for extensive testing to determine its origins. Upon examination by IC Member and all-around science guy Michael Mensinger, the Bag and its festive beach imagery was determined to actually be composed of dynacast, carbalon, and trace amounts of Tom Neiheisel’s urine. Used as an initiation device since 1990, new Inner Circle Members are required to wear the burlap-esque Bag under their clothes as a loin cloth/diaper for 60 days.

Sometime in 1995, this initiation process caused John Wooten to break out in a serious rash, and several packages he was preparing to mail were significantly delayed while he was hospitalized for treatment.

Unfortunately John never fully recovered from the incident, and has recurrent outbreaks every time he heads to the post office to mail a package. Hence the term "Wootening" was born.

The Bag had to be repaired because it ripped when it was used to send Archive Editor Duncan Jenkins 3.7 tons of Jar Jar Binks toilet paper rolls in late 1997.

After removing items sent to me, I began noticing other items left by previous Bag recipients. As it turns out, I stumbled upon a bounty of old items left by former IC initiates. For starters, I found a big clump of Mountain Man beard hair (at least I think it's beard hair… God I hope it's beard hair!) and several 9mm shell casings. Pouring through my research, I think I've discovered who left these items behind.

There is much more to the story. Tune in next week to see what other shocking discoveries I've unearthed about the Bag and its contents!