I Was Sold on eBay
Posted by: Tresob Yr 01.05.05 12:01am
The Story of Princess Leia Organa Sends Shockwaves through the Action Figure World!

During a SWAFT NEWS expose, Gary Longsnoot uncovered a vast conspiracy of investors selling action figures over the Internet. Thousands upon thousands of action figures are snatched from marketplaces each year, thinking they will be taken to loving homes where children or thirty-year-old balding men will play with them. Instead, they mercilessly were displayed and sold over online auctions; carelessly packed into boxes, sometimes even flimsy manila envelopes; and shipped to remote locations. Princess Leia has chosen to tell Gary her story.

Leia asked to meet with us at a family-oriented boardwalk near her beach residence. "People get the wrong idea when they see me," she said. "Wholesome family values. That's what I'm all about. Sometimes I feel like no one can see through my metal bikini."

G: It's a pleasure to be able to speak with you today, Leia.

L: The pleasure is all mine, Gary.

G: So, now that the trafficking of action figures over the Internet is being made public, maybe you can tell our readers more about your own personal experience. How did it all start?

L: There was this guy. I guess you could say we had an...intimate... relationship. He picked me up one night, and, well, before long I had moved in. Relationships move so much faster these days, and I thought I had felt something...a real connection. And for years it was great, then suddenly, I don't know what happened...

G: What do you mean?

L: I guess I should have known something had soured when the other women started coming by. There was this blue Twi-lek with more articulation. The Cat-woman figures...they were crawling all over the place...

G: Tell us about the actual sale...how you ended up with your new owner.

L: It's really very traumatic for me to discuss.

G: I understand that, but our readers really want to know. If you could give us a detailed listing, that would be great.

L: It was Hell, Gary.

G: What kind of Hell...like a Greco-Roman pushing a boulder up and down a hill kind of Hell, a Judeo-Christian fire and brimstone kind of Hell, or a backup on the expressway kind of Hell?

L: Listen, I didn't even know I was being sold over eBay. He never said anything to me. All that time I was just sitting around his apartment, and he was...oh god...it's too horrible to think about...[crying]

G: It's okay...let it out...we're all behind you. Don't think you need to reserve anything here.

Leia has begun to gather photographic evidence of the atrocities committed to fellow action figures through eBay auctions.

More unsettling images show vintage Transformer Action Figures being removed from official USPS packaging.

L: [crying] All that time he had been running a bid for me on eBay with some lurid pictures he had taken of me. There I was. A Slave Girl Leia on the auction block, and I didn't even know it. I think it said something like "Hot Leah figure. Near-mint condition. Cheap." He didn't even spell my name right, Gary. He didn't even spell my name right.

G: And he said you were only in near-mint condition.

L: Was that my fault? He used me. He scarred me. And now he was just giving me away.

G: How much did you go for?

L: I think about $7.50 or so...

G: Did that include shipping?

L: I beg your pardon?

Leia has attempted to find solace in the visual arts. This particular painting, entitled "Box of Despair in the Bloody Claw of Capitalism," fetched $75,000 at a recent auction (not on eBay).

G: I mean...what details can do you remember about...the shipping?

L: [more crying] He...he put me in a sandwich baggie...a sandwich baggie! It was impossible to breath. I can't tell much more, because then he wrapped me and maybe five other figures in newsprint...I think it was an advertisement for a car dealership...then he must have put us in the box. The heat was unbearable. We traveled for days in that box...in utter darkness...and rattling about for mile after painful mile...no sense of time...I don't know how I managed to survive...Half of the figures never even made it in one piece...the plastic...the plastic...

G: It's okay. I think we've heard enough.

L: It's a horrifying story, Gary...and it's only too common. We just don't talk about it, but the problem is much bigger than we acknowledge. I know for a fact that even the United States Post Office is involved. This goes all the way to the top.

Leia has often been seen in the company of Armada Optimus Prime. When we asked her if there was anything in the works. "Just friends," she smiled. "But you'll be the first to know if any sparks fly."

G: Do you bear much resentment?

L: I don't know who are more disgusting: these heartless people who will sell anything, or their rabid buyers. But I'm trying to forgive, Gary. A wise man once said to my father, "anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering." I'm trying to move on. I don't want revenge, but I am trying to get the story out there, so this will never happen to an action figure again. [crying]

G: Thank you, Leia. Hopefully, after reading this, people will think more before auctioning figures. And so, I bid you adieu.

--Fin.