Lucas Drops Bomb on SW Fans
Posted by: Jedi Tronzo 07.23.03 12:01am
In an effort to capitalize one last time on the Star Wars phenomenon, George Lucas today made a major announcement about the upcoming Episode III. An insider at Lucas's ILM, who wishes to remain nameless (will call him Bob R.) told Creature Cantina reporters that Mr. Lucas wants to "soak" Star Wars fans for all they are worth and that Mr. Lucas it not overly concerned about the overall quality of the final Star Wars movie. Amidst countless accusations and rumors, Lucas spoke publicly this afternoon at a press conference at Skywalker Ranch.

"It seems as though with all the baseless accusations spreading, the Star Wars community believes that Jar Jar Binks will become a Jedi Knight and Luke and Leia will actually be conjoined twins at birth. I want to dispel these rumors by saying that these are false. I would like to let the fans and movie goers know that I have bigger plans for Episode III", Lucas stated.

"Rest assured the final Star Wars movie will be the greatest of all. Since this is the final chapter of the Star Wars saga, I have decided to include celebrity cameo appearances and product placement throughout the movie." When asked why he is doing this Lucas simply stated. "This is an opportunity to tap into a new viewing market and make billions of dollars instead of millions. Celebrities are paying me one million apiece to play cameo roles. The Back Street Boys were rumored to be in Episode II Attack of the Clones and that didn't happen. But the Boys paid me up front in full and will now be cast as Jedi. Little teeny-bopper girls that had no interest in Star Wars before will now be going crazy buying action figures, posters, and shirts. I am going to be rolling in the money." The Back Street Boys along with several recording artists will also be featured on the Episode III soundtrack.

Also, appearing in the film will be Brittany Spears, who will play one of Padme's handmaidens. Anakin is doing her on the side in the film and Lucas says that this is the real reason Anakin turns to the "DarkSide." Fans can also expect to see appearances by Rueben from American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith as Jabba's dancer, Snoop Dog, Carson Daly from MTV, Kevin Bacon, and Michael Jordan who plays Mace Windu's younger brother.

Also be on the lookout for product placement throughout the movie. The Federation droid army will all be sporting new patches that resemble the Pepsi wave logo and Obi-Wans's star fighter will be referred to as the BMW star fighter. At one point in the movie Mace Windu is quoted "Colt 45 works every time" as he is slaying battle droids in the final battle. Ironically, at the end of the battle as he lays dying, he gasps for breathe saying "I should've had a V8."

"This is the last chance for me to make millions of dollars on Star Wars. Yeah, I know I am one of the richest people in the World, but c'mon I have been making my fortune off of the fans for the past 25 years. Star Wars fans will buy anything related to Star Wars. Besides, you will hardly notice anything different. Also, don't forget to buy all five versions of the film on DVD. After all without you, the fans, I wouldn't be so damn rich!"