PAGE SIX: Famous gas miner's disturbing outburst!
Posted by: TK-0076 04.02.03 12:01am
It seems that Lando Calrissian was seen the other evening drunk at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Sources say he put down several bottles of Colt Malt liquor. While playing a friendly game of sabac , he became extremely intoxicate. He suddenly jumped up on the table, ripped off his shirt, exposing a ladies halter top, and declared that the Rebels were; "P*ssies". He further bantered on that; "I hate my life"! "My dream is to be a woman. For God's sake, I've got a terrific ass"! "I've always wanted to be one of Jabba's dancers"!

As the patrons feared that either Lando would fall off the table and injure himself, or break out into medley of Judy Garland Show Tunes, a squad of Stormtroopers arrived and manhandled pitiful Calrissian off in binders.

Due to the Imperial budget crunch, a normal transport was unavailable to take Lando of to the Detention Center. A wise Stormtrooper Commander ordered Calrissian be transported by Dewback. Within minutes after being precariously harnessed to the great beast, Lando became violently ill. He vomited and urinated on himself and the animal. Two unsuspecting Stormtrooper escorts were also affected by the loss of Lando's composure. One Rookie remarked; "It was the worst thing I've since training on Carida"! "These suits weren't designed to take such punishment"...

After a night at the Detention Center and singing old Barry White songs, Calrissian was brought to the local Imperial Magistrate. At trial, Lando was found guilty of Public Drunkenness and Disturbing the Peace, mostly due to his choice of songs. He was sentenced to 40 hours community service, psychological counseling and ordered never to sing: "We are the World", again, or face immediate termination.

It seems that old pirates never learn their lesson. Sources close to Calrissian stated that when he was released, Lando went on a drinking binge and was arrested for trying to score crack at an undisclosed location.  He was dressed as Mara Jade and singing old Culture Club tunes, badly.