AF&TB YULETIDE NEW YEAR FEAST!

by Beedo Sookcool
on 2011-01-01, 07:08:54

Wa tetu dat uta, gang! It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I know, but I’ve had several time-consuming projects on the go at once, and now here’s one that’s finally ready: the return (again) of Action Figures & Their Beers, just in time for Christmas! (Between work, holiday preparations, and the fact that my photo submissions somehow got shunted into Bill’s Spam folder, unknown to the both of us and unnoticed for a week, I’m afraid this one’s a bit late. Sorry!)

Every so often, the beer turnover here in Torbay (whether it be seasonal editions or whether the supermarkets just want to try new and/or different products) will bring to the fore some ales, bitters, or stouts I’ve rarely drunk, or have never even laid eyes on before. And it was only a matter of time before I could gather enough samples to bring you another series of AF&TB!

And extra thanks to Bill for alerting us to the beer-fetching robot some months back! Hmmmm.... After the August-to-January toy blitz, funds are going to be a little tight until March. Do I get a beer-fetching robot, or that latest set of Geonosis 2-Packs? Or neither, and just get more beer? That’s a tough one! Stay tuned for more alcoholic beer-soaked infotainment in the upcoming weeks and months!

Oh, and just to crow for a bit, Admiral’s Ale (which I’ve been touting as one of the best beers on the planet for a while, now) has won three more awards in this year’s various beer-tasting competitions since I reviewed it. So the experts and I are of roughly the same opinion and taste. Which goes to prove what I’ve always said: when it comes to food and drink, always trust a well-travelled fat man. And speaking of well-travelled fat men, we feature the best-known of them all in our . . . .

CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! Action Figures & Their Beers & Snacks!

There aren’t that many Santa Claus figures on the market, apart from the Rankin-Bass one I passed on a few years ago. So fronting for this feature is a Playmobil Santa I happened to get along with either a sleigh and some reindeer, or a light-up Christmas tree, I can’t remember which. Some prop or other I want to use in a future Christmas photocomic, anyway.

After hitting all of Britain and wolfing down mince pies and sherry, and then covering the States where it’s milk-and-cookies, surely Santa must want a bit of a change from the monotony. Besides, Santa’s a guy. Chances are good he’ll like beer and snacks just as much as the next overweight cheerful fella. So instead of the traditional stuff that normally gets left out for him on Christmas Eve, put a little variation in Father Christmas’s diet; I’m sure he will appreciate it.

Christmas Pringles: We’ve actually got loads more flavours of Pringles here in the UK than in the USA, which is the birthplace of that particular potato-based snack crisp. Paprika remains consistently popular, and for a while, we had Curry-flavoured ones. Every so often, they bring out limited-edition flavours like “Gourmet Beefburger” (which actually tasted like Marmite, overly-salty and thirst-inducing). We’ve even got Pringles Xtreme, a line of hot(ish) ’n’ spicy flavours like Wasabi, Chilli & Cheese, Chilli Sauce, and Spicy Sour Cream & Onion (I know, the last one sounds weird for a “hot” flavour, but they’re very nice). And now, we have Merry Pringles in time for the festive season. The Roast Turkey ones aren’t perfect, flavour-wise, but they’re tasty. The Pigs-In-Blankets ones perfectly capture the nuances of pork sausages wrapped in smoked streaky bacon. Outstanding, but a tad salty, and you will need to drink a lot to de-parch yourself afterwards. Hence, the following Post-Solstice beer selections . . . .

Jingle Ale: I quote from the label: *Ahem* “All singing, all dancing christmas bitter! Deep amber in colour with a subtle sweetness throughout - easy drinking with a festive hoppy finish!” Note how “Christmas” isn’t capitalised, and the hit-and-miss punctuation. A local Torbay 4% ABV brew from Bays Brewery, I had a half-pint of this stuff, draught and slightly chilled, during last year’s office Christmas party. Wasn’t terribly impressed with it, then. It was all right, but nothing I would write home about. Bottled and ice-cold, however, I taste . . . Brussels sprouts. Honestly. It starts out promising, with a delicious aroma and a nice, winter-spicy beery taste, which almost instantly turns into a cabbage-y sort of brassica flavour, and then leaves an aftertaste. I can’t even tell what the aftertaste is. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it’s not strong, it’s not definable. It just . . . is. The closest thing I can liken it to is the sort of tingle you get at the back of your tongue if you brush with baking-soda toothpaste. As much as I’d love to show support local businesses, I can’t in any good conscience suggest you leave this stuff out for Kris Kringle, unless you’re a masochist and actually want coal in your stocking.

Rosey Nosey: This Christmas-themed ale from Bateman’s is 4.9% ABV of strong-flavoured wallop which proclaims on the label to be one of Britain’s most popular seasonal beers. To be honest, there ain’t usually a lot of competition in that category, less so since this year I couldn’t find my two previous favourites, Bah Humbug! and Christmas Pudding ales (in short: those two totally ruled). The label says the aroma is rich and fruity — and it is — but it doesn’t translate into the taste. All you get is the beer equivalent of a thick pair of woollen socks from your Great Aunt Betty for Christmas. Sure, you’ll appreciate them when your toes are nice and warm (or the buzz is starting to kick in, depending on the context), but once you unwrap the thing, it’s the kind of letdown that makes you say in a flat, slightly offended manner: “Oh.” There is nothing festive about the taste at all. In fact, it’s slightly dry with a long-lasting bitter aftertaste . . . so maybe it’s right on the money for some people’s holiday periods. This is a bit of a disappointment, because Bateman’s brewery also makes Dark Lord, which I reviewed very favourably a while back, as well as some other very good beers which didn’t have an action figure connection, so I never covered them in this series. In the Bateman’s family Christmas gathering, as far as I’m concerned, Rosey Nosey is the shiftless, no-good uncle who’s always bumming smokes and lounges around drunk and unshaven in his wife-beater and sweatpants all day, refusing to help set the table or wash the dishes, then passes out on the couch venting horrendous Brussels-sprout farts for hours. So, yeah, I’ll pass on this one next year. But as for all the other Bateman’s beers, I’d happily recommend them.

5 a.m. Saint: Another Brew Dog product from those fine gents up in Scotland, the only tentative connection I could make with Santa is that he’s also called Saint Nicholas, and at some point, he’s still gotta be doing the rounds at 5:00 a.m. I mean, it’s always 5:00 in the morning somewhere, right? Okay, then. Now, as for the beer, this is more like it! It’s fruity and spicy and malty and hoppy in all the right ways, kind of like Cajun-spiced, caffeinated gingerbread & plum pudding soaked in beer. It tastes far more Christmassy than the other beers in this review (whether intentional or not), and is sure to guarantee a jolly time. A 5% ABV brew-ha-ha in a bottle, there are only two things wrong with this product: Firstly, it’s still stuck in the smaller 330mL bottles. Secondly, it lives up to its punk roots by spitting on its fans. Seriously. In the space Brew Dog usually uses for its brainy, irreverent waxings, the first words are: “You probably don’t know much about beer.” And then it goes on a Johnny-Rotten style diatribe that would leave even the most mellow and self-assured beer connoisseur feeling insecure, emotionally violated, and fightin’ mad. Don’t know much about beer, eh? Well, most of the international beer experts seem to have independently agreed with my assessments (as if they read this stuff), so I must be getting something right. And I know to use Bud to kill snails and slugs in my garden. I also know I have yet to give a Brew Dog beer a bad review (see an earlier AF&TB for a triple coverage, and an upcoming review in a few weeks for one of their newest concoctions). So in true punk style, I spit right back at them to show my appreciation. Hey, Brew Dog: you left out a terminal apostrophe in “corporate brewers’ huge advertising budgets” in your rant. Yerwhat?!

So you know what? Forget the beer. I drank these three in one sitting to review them and was peeing like a diuretic elephant for half the night. (Also, it’s my excuse for any uncaught typos.) If enough people gave Santa beer, he’d probably explode into a giant ball of frozen urine before he was finished with Tuktoyaktuk, NWT. Keep the 5 a.m. Saint for yourself and mix up a batch of really good home-made egg nog for Santa. After all, a gift you made yourself shows the most love. I found a recipe for egg nog in spy-thriller author Len Deighton’s Action Cookbook, of all places, and modified it slightly to suit my own taste, since half a bottle of whiskey and half a bottle of brandy was taking it way too far for my liking. This recipe should be adaptable enough for everyone to enjoy, especially if you live outside the USA and can’t get the stuff ready-made in cartons or flagons . . . .

1. Basic Egg Nog
2. 6 raw egg yolks
3. ½ lb. sugar
4. 2 pints (40 oz.) single cream or full-fat milk
5. ¼ - ½ teaspoon powdered nutmeg, to taste
6. Alcohol of your choice, to taste (added after the above ingredients are blended)

Mix the first four ingredients in a large blender, chill the concoction, and when ready to serve, pour out some servings into cups or glasses, and then you and your guests (if any, as it’s tempting to drink it all yourself) can make the stuff as spiked as you like with whatever alcohol you choose. Because this recipe uses your own favourite booze, in the amount you like, there is practically no chance you won’t enjoy it, unless you happen to be averse to eggs. Myself, I’m a traditional rum man. But there’s nothing to prevent you from mixing up a batch with, for example, crème de cacao, for a chocolaty egg nog, sort of an Egg Nog Crème. Say, now there’s an idea . . . .

And there we have it, gang! Go forth, eat, drink, and be merry! I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (or at the very least, a nice day off), and Happy New Year!