Action figures and their beers
submitted by:Beedo Sookcool 01.20.10 at 12:01am
NOTE: This review was written immediately after the Scottish government released that convicted Libyan bomber, hence the somewhat dated, not-so-current affairs referecnces contained therein. Also, I was expecting coverage of the outrage to drag on for months and months and months, culminating in a backlash similar to that which resulted in "Freedom fries" and "Freedom toast" and other idiocies. Besides, fries are a Belgian invention. Anywho, we now return you to your regularly scheduled boozing . . . .

While shopping for Admiral's Ale at Sainsbury's the other day (which they no longer carry -- you have to go to a Spar or Co-Op or order it directly from the brewery if you want it now, dammit), I came across three beers produced by Brew Dog, a company comprised of two guys from Scotland . . . and a dog. Now, despite the fact that at least 50% of Scots want to destroy England and everyone in it, and the fact that almost any Scotsman who finds his way into high government office here in the UK lately seems determined to bring down civilisation (starting with England), I've actually really got nothing against the Scots, apart from the inability to understand them half the time. So, in an effort to build some bridges that both Britain's New Labour government (mostly run by a cabal of Caledonian cronies) and the entirely separate Scottish government have burned down over the past decade or so (with increasing rapidity as that decade has progressed, I might add), I'm reviewing these Aberdeenshire bottled beauties. Politics should never get in the way of beer, as far as I'm concerned: drinking is sacrosanct. Anywho, each bottle has some amusing, intellectual, and magniloquent blurbs on it, a trait which really ups the brewery in my esteem before I've even tasted their wares. Cripes, they quote the 17th Century philosopher John Locke on one of the bottles, fer Pete's sake! And if the company that makes these is called "Brew Dog," then its beers have to be fronted by the cantina-haunting wolfman, Lak Sivrak. On with the reviews . . . .

Dogma
Pity I never picked up any of those View Askew inaction figures of Ben Affleck & Matt Damon as fallen angels to go with this one, but I needed the money for building my Imperial forces at the time, and as many in the customising community will know, I detest both animated-style figures and inaction figures, making the View Askew mini-statues doubly repellent to me. Anywho, this ale is "brewed with guarana, poppy seeds and kola nut, all blended together with Scottish heather honey." Now, if that ain't some imaginative brewmastery, I don't know what is! Alcohol (a whopping 7.8% ABV!) and honey to soothe your systems, guarana and cola to boost them. It's like a Vodka with Rubicund Taurine cocktail, only delicious and nowhere near as bad for you. While Dogma is not the best beer I've ever consumed, it's certainly in the top ten, possibly in the top five, and it's definitely different enough to be a stand-out in any crowd. These guys deserve to win some serious international awards with this stuff. Because Dogma is super happy happy joy joy fun beer. And you can quote me on that. You'll look damn' silly doing so, but anyone who tastes it will know exactly what I mean. Actually, I think Crack might be a secret ingredient, because I've polished off the bottle I bought for this review, and now I NEED MORE. Tomorrow, after work. Sainsbury's is open until late. I will empty the shelves. Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket . . . .

Drink this if you also like: The wild. The unique. Brown ales. Flowery ales. Wild unique brown flowery ales. Beer in general. Artistry in brewing. Yeah, I think this stuff has just about entered a three-way tie with Admiral's Ale and Golden Glory for my favourite beer. I'd mainline it straight into a vein, but then I'd miss out on the taste and fizziness.

Chaos Theory
If I still had my Ian Malcolm figure from Jurassic Park, he would've made the perfect pitchman for this beer. Alas, I sold him off years ago to another collector who wanted some background filler characters for one of his Chiropteran FellowâãÔ displays. Anywho, this India Pale Ale achieves an impressive 7.1% on the ABV-meter. It has a rich, malted flavour to it, with just a hint of a tang at the tail end of the aftertaste. It's mellow, delicious, and an altogether excellent beer for sipping, gulping, quaffing, or chugging. Strangely, while labelled as an IPA, I happen to think it's got more in common with brown ales in terms of texture and flavour. (And I'm not the only one — I handed some samples around and got back the unanimous opinion that it tastes more BA than IPA). But in short, it's still a very good beer with a little something extra in the ethanol department.

Drink this if you also like: Admiral's Ale, Newcastle Brown Ale, Fuller's ESB, other good brown ales.

Hardcore IPA
Has a very strong, tangy, citrus-y flavour to it. It's a staggering 9% ABV, putting it on the octane level of barley wine, but somehow it manages not to taste revolting, like barley wine does. In fact, it's absolutely packed with flavours, guaranteed to make your taste buds and salivary glands work overtime to appreciate them all. One mouthful will give you an aftertaste that lingers for ten minutes or more, giving excellent value for money. But don't take too long to savour it, because if it warms up, it gets a tad too bitter for palatability. All in all, Hardcore IPA might be a little too much for some people, but for die-hard fans of the brew-ha-ha, this is some pretty darn good stuff.

Drink this if you also like: Old Empire, other good IPAs. But really, these high-test suds are practically in a class all their own.

Brew Dog Summary
My only complaint is that these brewskis only come in 330mL bottles. Other than that, I urge everyone to put aside any political differences you may have (because it's unfair to lay New Labour's mass-exterminations of all English livestock every time one cow sneezed, or the controversial release of a certain convicted bomber, onto the backs of a couple of darned fine brewers who had nothing to do with either) and support small businesses in these tough economic times by trying these Scotch beers as soon as you can. You take the high road, and I'll take the low road, and I'll be at Brew Dog afore ye, doing my level damnedest to drink their stocks dry. And if any blowhard over-reactionary twit with the brains of a concussed chimp so much as mentions "Freedom Tape" or "Freedom Whiskey," I will have no choice but to insert a caber into him/her where the sun does not shine, and hammer it home with the broadside of a lochaber pole-arm. Och, aye!






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