Yorked - The process of making an ass of yourself and still coming out looking good. "Man did you see when that guy broke his arm but got laid in the process? Man did he get Yorked."

Mothma was visibly moved and had to pause several times between deafening applause and her own tears. "We are heading in a new direction," Mothma said. "I will find a common peg for us all to stand on."

Political analysts see Mothma's appointment as signaling a change in direction for NUFF.

"It used to be that we had to fight because there just weren't enough women being represented," said Scarlett, from the Valor vs. Venom chapter of NUFF. "But now we're dealing with how we are represented."

Conservatives were delighted to hear that among Mon Mothma's plans are strategies to promote decency laws to prevent the exploitation of female action figures. Others argue that more is at stake than good taste.

"Look at Arena Padme-not only is her midriff exposed, but she has claw marks down her back. This isn't just about perverted thirty-year old male wish-fulfillment-this is about violence against women," said Omnicon Arcee, head of NUFF's non-human sub-committee.

You see, the new printer is a color laser printer... a VAST improvement over an inkjet. The graphics are totally crisp with no bleeding, and super-vibrant! And I think they'll be a little more resistant to moisture than my first two, though I haven't tested that.

And here's what we end up with:

We've been doing this site for almost 4 years now. And in those 4 years, I've been paying the hosting fees out of my own pocket. Sure, I've made a few bucks off my art. But the rest of the staff, well they haven't seen a thin dime for their efforts. They've been slaving week after week to put together stuff to make you laugh and have never asked for anything in return.

Well now's your chance to thank them!! You can support the contributors of CreatureCantina.com by clicking the banner below and buying some toys from SideShowToys.com! I mean, if you were going to buy this AWESOME Vader statue anyway, why not buy it here and give your buddies at CC.com a little lunch money? I've figured out a fair method to divide up any money we make among the authors who contribute after the hosting fees are paid. It'll be a nice little something to thank them for all their years of hard work.

So check it out! Buy something! Reward us for making you laugh! Show us you love us! Do it for our respective legitimate and illegitimate children!

Baldy: Whats your name?

SY: My name is Steven Westerfield York. AKA The Why Man. AKA Big Stevie Why. AKA The Big Westerfield. I could go on and on, but my rap name is Audacious. But Steve's fine.

Baldy: Where are you from?

SY: I am from "The REAL OC." I think...I saw it on a TV Guide or something and it sounded cool.

Baldy: When will you pay my parking tickets off?

Not that my drawing is pornographic or anything. No... nobody has requested one of those "Cable Originals" yet. And actually, for this drawing I turned over a whole lot of control on what it would look like to the person who commissioned it. Usually I do these things completely out of my own imagination, but this guy wanted Oola to turn out a very particular way. I mean, he wanted a certain pose, and certain scenery... the costume to have a certain level of damage... and unlike what I usually do I decided to follow his whims. So this was more of a collaborative effort than most "Cable Originals."

The end result was amazing. These scans simply don't do it justice. There was real depth to the inking... I actually went over the mesh in the shadowed areas twice to make them dark but retain the pattern, and it really turned out well. I just wish I could capture it better. Here, it looks like a big black blob, and 90% of the detail is lost. But there's not much I can do about it, unfortunately. But I can assure you that the guy who bought this was really impressed with the level of detail and precision.

So I guess you're anxious to see the thing. Well head on over to the "Cable Original" gallery and check it out!

What could it mean then, when Master Yoda is missing from the Jedi Academy?

Then I remembered this E-mail I received over the weekend. If it wasn't about Star Wars I wouldn't have given it a second glance. But given the subject matter, well... I gotta share:

From: JeanineGrace2u@***.com
To: cable@creaturecantina.com
Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 16:37:20 EST
Subject: JABBA

HAMMER HEAD:ITS GOOD JABBA'S DAED. JABBA'S SPIRIT APPERS.JABBA SIT'S ON HAMMER HEAND.

The Lord of the Sith issued the following statement: "Being a burn victim myself, I know the importance of quality medical care. The treatment of burn injuries has advanced so dramatically in the past two decades that the Shriners Hospitals are now routinely saving the lives of patients who, in the past, almost certainly would have died. However, now that their medical needs can be met, these burn injury survivors face another challenge: that of returning to normal life in a society that places tremendous emphasis on physical appearance. The burn care professionals at Shriners Hospitals have turned their attention to helping these patients function more normally in society."

The hospital in return issued the following statement: "Most burn victims are able to resume normal lives, but some are still restricted by the level of care required. In the most severe cases some of the victims were only able to survive while wearing protective life support equipment. The cost of this equipment has been very restrictive. Hopefully with Lord Vader's donation we will be able to gain insight and begin new research into new treatments."

BUT....

When you can get attention for being a Japanese MAN-whore on a totally unrelated forum that has your picture posted with two fine Japanese Adult stars, you know you have a reputation that won't be so easily overcome.

Take for instance this fine link I was sent late this week:
http://spurstalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11401

Now this is a San Antonio Spurs forum. Nothing to do with Pr0n or Star Wars or anything remotely cool. :) It seems one person made a Japanese reference to something silly and then a few other posters ran with it. Then someone added a picture of Godzilla to the post. Then a picture of some attractive young Japanese girls was posted a bit further down. And right below that is a picture of yours truly with his two hotties.

Getting mentioned by my STAGE NAME by a fan really makes me happy and you can't beat getting your picture in a post along with Godzilla. NOW who's the Japanese pimp? What's that Steve? Nothing to say? I didn't think so.

Jeff Romanoff of Garrison Carida E-mailed me last week with an offer after reading though our newly added News Archive pages. A few years ago we held a contest where Carida gave away a T-shirt to whoever submitted the best idea for a "The Cantina" comic strip. It just so happens that Carida just came out with a NEW T-shirt. It has some AWESOME artwork on the back. You might recognize the artist. It's Bill Cable. He's like the most awesome Star Wars artist there is. Check it out, compliments of my favorite little T-shirt model:

Yours won't necessarily be the same size...

Creature Cantina reporters have finally discovered evidence proving what many Star Wars Collectors suspected to be true from the very beginning.

The new fiery logo for the ROTS line does not actually represent Anakin Skywalker's unfortunate fall into a burning pit of lava. It is a veiled allusion to the truly Dark Forces at work behind the scenes.

Hasbro's Marketing Department is, in fact, run by Satan.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Hasbro Marketing Executive

• Name: El Diablo
• Affiliation: Hasbro, Inc.
• Weapons of Choice: Temptation, Brimstone
• Vehicle: Stretch SUV
• Allies: Cerberus, George Lucas
• Enemies: Collectors' Girlfriends, The Almighty
• Missions:
  1. Cinema Scene Madness: Installing that rooftop pool sure has drained your resources. How are you ever going to send your satanic spawn to college now? Find out how many times you can package an exclusive new figure with two older figures that everyone already has to finance your children's education!
  2. Peter Pan Complex: Can you track down the most devious advertising agents to convince collectors that they can escape the grown-up world of full-time employment and responsible bread-winning by desperately clinging to nostalgic yearnings for their childhood? (Hint: If wives or girlfriends try to intervene, release another round of scantly clad female figures.)

This guy Brad I know came to me with an idea - how's about we do a T-shirt for collectors that'll allow everyone who only knows each other by their screen names to recognize each other? And that idea evolved into a shirt with sponsors that'll raise money for Kisses for Katie.

But the coolest part is the AWESOME artwork on the back. You might recognize the artist. It's Bill Cable. He's like the most awesome Star Wars artist there is. Check it out...

If you want to order, send the following info to damon5973@msn.com

Name:
Mailing Address:
Forum Screen Name(s):
Forum(s) you frequent:
Shirt Size and Quantity:_____ Large ______ X-Large ______2XL

The price is $15 shipped. You can PayPal payment to that address, or ask for his mailing address when you E-mail him. It's an AWESOME shirt for a good cause, so don't miss your chance! I don't have a clue what the order deadline is.

The monthly PSWCS meeting was hosted by Brad Kulp last Saturday at his house. Among the items Brad wanted to show off were the unreleased Series 2 Revenge of the Sith action figures! He purchased them at Wal*mart after they mistakenly put them on the shelves. Now, if I had found ROTS figures at this point they would have been on eBay the minute I got home. I mean, they'd have to go for $30 or $40 a pop right now! And then I'd be able to pay for the entire run of ROTS figures for basically nothing. I'd be a fool not to turn those over as soon as I possibly could.

The only exception would be if I got one as a gift. And Brad, the awesome guy that he is, did just that. Knowing my affinity for all things C-3PO, he insisted I take his home. Since I'm one of the first people in the ENTIRE WORLD to get my hands on a ROTS C-3PO, I figured I would do a review.

PRELUDE FOR PADDY'S DAY: "SOB"riety Test

It's a well-known rumor that when Lando's gambling debts get too high, he dips into the Bespin Municipal Funds.
In order to keep his floating city's treasury viable, he sometimes has to take extra measures.
Maybe this is why his Cloud Car Patrol is feared throughout the galaxy as being particularly ruthless...

Well hold your horses! You're gonna be facing some stiff competition. So you'd better bring your A game. I got one submission from a guy who actually sent in a computer-rendered graphic of the whole strip. Whether he wins it or not I'm sharing that sucker... it's hilarious.

So you got another week to get yours in, so don't doddle! The rules are pretty simple... the idea needs to involve Stormtroopers. And you send it to shirt@creaturecantina.com. And if the CC.com staff chooses your, you win a Carida T-shirt.

But order now and we'll throw in a pair of Garrison Carida glass beer pilsners!! Can't call them just glass pilsners... I've been to too many Carida gatherings to make that mistake. I don't even know if I mentioned the glasses last week. I really need to start giving a damn about this site again... the quality is just slipping...

"We had just finished filming the scene wherein I explained to Master Anakin that my black robe obviously disguised my natural appearance," the esteemed protocol droid said. "The joke in that scene was that I had neglected to consider the obvious change in my outer appearance due to my recent gold plating. But it was supposed to end there."

Unfortunately for viewers, it didn't.

"After Director Tartakovsky called 'Cut!' Master Anakin began to go off-script. Master Anakin is of the jovial sort, and it struck him funny to see me dressed such in this robe. I think his mind was on other, more sordid things after his work with Mistress Padmé, if you take my meaning."

And that's when things got bad.

"Master Anakin started dancing in a peculiar fashion, and requested that I, let me quote his exact words here, 'Take it off 3PO, baby... take it off! Show me some gold!!' I am but a droid, and Master Anakin's humble servant. I had no choice but to follow my master's orders. Besides, I knew full well that the scene had finished filming, and that my actions would not be broadcast across the holonet."

Unknown to C-3PO, one of the cameras under Genndy Tartakovsky's direction continued to roll. And in a Lucas-esque act of poor judgment, the director thought the footage so hilarious that it should be included in the production copy of the episode. After viewing the show, C-3PO is popping-at-the-circuits angry.

"My impeccable reputation as a straight-laced protocol droid is in shambles," C-3PO sobbed. "It is entirely possible that I may never work in this industry again. I'm doomed."

But C-3PO does see a silver lining to this whole sad situation, "I thank the maker that Director Tartakovsky chose not to include the subsequent footage following my disrobing. I must admit that I got a little carried away in the moment. I continued the joke by doing my Marilyn Monroe impersonation, singing 'Happy Birthday Master Anakin...' I would positively short circuit if that footage ever got out."

Some men refused to join the Imperial Fleet.

Some men were refused by it.

But there's a little corner of the Galaxy where a man can wear a uniform without making a political statement.

A little corner of the Galaxy that goes unnoticed by the Empire.

A little corner of the Galaxy known as Bespin.

Do you have what it takes to join the men in blue?

Do you have what it takes to be a Security Officer of Bespin?

Phil Spam of RebelSpam.com explained, "This was a public service announcement to the 10s of thousands of RebelSpam.com readers who are simply too stupid to figure out that Toys R Us intends to sell Revenge of the Sith Toys. Now all our morons know. Besides, TRU paid out the ass for my E-mail list."

SirSpam, AKA Steve Spamenzo, had a more curt response: "I hate everyone and everything. I just sent the thing out to piss people off... TRU didn't even have to pay me. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

Option 1:
Calmly and politely talk to the person and explain how Chewie is your favorite character of all time and you would really like that figure. After all diplomacy is key.
Analysis:
You are a pansy. A nancy boy. Chances are you're not getting the figure. Go home and cry now. Frenchy!

It takes people from different walks of life working together to keep the corridors of Bespin safe.

So what happens when a little ugnaught wants to join the ranks of the Floating City's finest?

Find out in this installment of Toy Wars...

INDIANAPOLIS (Tuesday, March 29, 2005) Thousands of Star Wars fans from around the world will gather in Indianapolis, Indiana April 21-24 for Star Wars Celebration III, an event anticipated to be the largest gathering of Star Wars fans in history. Already more than double the fans have pre-registered to attend than pre-registered for Celebration II event in 2002. Fans will gather to celebrate the release of Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith, which opens in theaters May 19, and to commemorate the ever-growing Star Wars legacy with celebrities, entertainment, activities and Celebration III collectibles created specially for the show.

More than half-a-million square feet of the Indiana Convention Center will be filled with hundreds of Star Wars-related exhibits, displays, and events, making Star Wars Celebration III the place for fans to show their love of the Star Wars films. Star Wars Celebration III will offer activities ranging from a full-time area where kid's can train to be Jedi Knights to a display of actual movie-used props and costumes from Episode III and other Star Wars movies.

The few and the proud are early to rise to make Sergeant Seeno's daily inspection of Security Officers of Bespin.

More Rags for the TV Annuals
Chewbacca has signed to star in a new Fox network reality show, "It A Hairy Subject." The critics at CC.Com predict another dismal failure for Fox. (ed. Boy, what a revelation!) It seems that the brilliant minds at Fox have not realized that a Chewy reality show has been tried once before back in 1978. At that time it was titled "The Star Wars Holiday Special." Hate really does lead to the Dark Side.

Across their full range of products, including breakfast cereal, fans can pick up collectible boxes featuring their favorite characters from the movie, and in some cases, the Original Trilogy.

Said Rex Cartucho from media relations, "We're very happy to be back among the license holders for the final film in this series. We have some great things that we think fans will like much as they did back in 1995 with our Han Solo mail-away action figure. And be on the lookout for some surprises with our box art."

Although he wouldn't elaborate on the box art surprises, CreatureCantina has found the following pictures of two of the Honey Smacks cereal boxes which will feature Samuel L. Jackson.

After screaming like a first-time teen beauty pageant winner, I decided that I would take up the cause and become the Bag’s historian. After months of exhaustive research, here are my discoveries:

The Bag was found in a dumpster outside of Kenner by long-time collector Steve Denny, where he kept it as a novelty souvenir from one of his many "diving expeditions." Soon after the Bag's discovery, Steve inexplicably disappeared from the public eye. In 1989, almost a decade later, he was found in a cave surrounded by proof cards and mumbling something about "My Precious."

Forsake your patience! Quell your fears! Revel in your pride! Lo and behold, "The Cantina" now belongs to the people!

That's right, thanks to insanely complicated advances in modern Internet technology and several weeks of ignoring work, you too can now be a comic genius like Bill Cable with a few simple clicks of a button using our exclusive CREATE-A-CANTINA click-and-drag technology.

For years, you've enjoyed "The Cantina." Now, with CREATE-A-CANTINA, humor is beyond YOUR imagination!

Instructions:

• Select a beautifully rendered background (BG1, BG2)
• Use buttons beneath characters to change poses.
• Select character by clicking on its image.
• Click and drag characters around cantina.
• Remove images by dragging to left column.
• Use "Clear" button to clear all images.
• Activate up two text balloons with the text button ("...")
• Click and drag the balloons by the edges, or click in the center of the balloon to add your own witty dialogue!
• Click "Help" to read these instructions while playing!

Saving: We recommend using the Print Screen (PrtScrn) button and pasting the image into a paint program of your choice. You can end up with a fantastic comic of your own like this one:

We also recommend opening your Web browser to "Full Screen" to improve the grandeur of the experience...and drinking two beers to improve your sense of humor.

The number 4 gets little respect amongst those in the numeric community. We at CC.Com understand this feeling quite well. We get little respect from other Star Wars sites littering this electronic landscape. Four seems to be an outcast. "It's as easy as 1-2-3." You don't hear, "It's as easy as 1-2-3-4." Number 4, CC.Com understands your hurt. "Just follow these 3 easy steps." Step number 4 must then be a real pain in the pooper. We understand. Working for CC.Com hasn't been all about marshmallow clouds, root beer streams and licorice dreams. But sometimes it's better to be the bastard than to be the best!

Four of the more notable 4's of the Star Wars world.

4. The number of wings on an X-Wing
4. The number of times per week that the honorable William Cable pleads to his staff to provide something for that week's update of CC.Com.
4. The number of male Star Wars fans that don't find Slave Leia hot. The number only increases by one amongst females.
4. I can't think of any more. I guess being 4 really does suck.

One fan became so absorbed, nay, obsessed with the Cantina that he even attempted to emulate Bill Cable himself.

Indeed, he erected an entire Creature Cantina fan site not long after CC's inception.

Unfortunately, his Website was mysteriously shut down a few months ago, but CC staff members were able to retrieve several files still preserved in our browsers' cache. And so, Creature Cantina presents:

Of course... how much of a "celebration" can you throw on-line. Sure, I'm gonna go home after work and get plastered out of my mind (my Iron City is waiting there in the fridge for me), but I can't very well offer all of you a brew. So rather than getting drunk together today (we'll save that for Celebration 3), we're gonna go ahead and give you all sorts of awesome crap!!

First up - and this is something I'm particularly proud about - we present 4 years of history! The CreatureCantina.com News Archive is NOW COMPLETE!! That's right... every single story that ever ran on CC.com is now available again, and will be for all perpetuity! And man, was that a tough job. Imagine your humble host huddled in front of a computer for hours on end, copying and pasting paragraph after paragraph into field after field of the News Archive database. I had 8 html pages full of old stories I'd "archived" as I moved along on the old site. When I was done, I had entered over 500 stories. FIVE HUNDRED!! It was nuts. But man... did it bring back some memories. I barely remembered the days when we actually wrote long, in-depth news parodies. Joke stories about figures... Star Wars characters... actors. Funny stuff! And all those stories about SirSteve. Story after story after story. The commemorative UZAY Emperor's Royal Guard figure. The story where he finally admitted, after more than five years of dodging the question, that his last name is indeed Comenzo. Ah... happy days.

When you add the 509 articles from the first two years of the News Archive to the nearly 600 articles entered in the last two years... that's over 1,100 stories worth of history! I dare you to read them all. Heh... maybe one of these days I'll run a contest where you have to answer questions based on the News Archive. But not today. Which brings us to...

Second up - a contest!! That's right... to celebrate we're giving away free swag! And what awesome swag it is. I'm giving away one Cable Original Star Wars Drawing!!! MSRP $55.00!! And it could be yours... all you gotta do is E-mail your Name, Age, and Mailing address to contest@creaturecantina.com. Now, in the past when I've given away art, it was always in the form of a $55 gift certificate you could redeem for the character of your choice. But I've been suffering through such a dearth of commissions lately that I had the free time to throw one together ahead of time. So Mr. Cable chose the character he wanted to draw! Hell... I'll even show it to you. It's the last of the "Big 3" Cantina regulars to be immortalized in "Cable Original" form. Some name him Ponda Baba for whatever ridiculous reasons, but to me he'll always be my brother's first Star Wars figure: Walrusman!!!

And it can be yours for free! All you gotta do is send in an E-mail. I'll pick a random entry from all those received, and that'll be the winner! Easy schmeazy. So enter today. Entry deadline is Tuesday, April 12th at 6:00pm EDT. The winner will be announced in next week's update.

And that's about all the new stuff I have to offer today. Well, except for my comic. But don't fret... the CC.com staff has come out IN FORCE to give you more crap to read than you'd ever desire to sift through in a single sitting. Suck it all in. And join the chorus of chants for FOUR MORE YEARS of CreatureCantina.com!!! I hope the quality of the first four years warrant an encore.