And finally,

11. Does the emperor where underpants?

A recent discovery has been made that will shock the world. Not only will this make you fall back in your chair. It might even make your spill that beer you have been cradling since Episode II. In a recent interview, an independent source has confirmed that a Seventh Bounty Hunter did exist. Who is this mystery Bounty Hunter and why has it been nearly Twenty-Four years since this information has come to life? This story will not be confirmed by any other Star Wars sources, expect for the words "no comment" and "what the hell are you talking about?"

After a month of sitting on my ass doing nothing, I finally got around to creating another new "Cable Original" drawing. I've really been in a rut of late... can't get the juices flowing, and what I can muster is directed at the miniscule list of "Reserved" drawings in my gallery.

Which brings me to a suggestion - Now is the best time in the past 18 months to reserve a "Cable Original" drawing!! Eventually I will snap out of my rut, and when that happens I won't have anything lined up to draw. In November 2002, the wait time for a Cable Original drawing was TWELVE MONTHS!! Right now I only have one drawing on my slate... if you reserve today your wait may be as little as 4 or 5 weeks!! So if you've been wanting to get a Cable Original, now's the time to do it!!

Out of nowhere a moderator known simply as "Bounty Hunter GNT" posted that "what they'll cost here doesn't concern you."

Coming to the rescue of a fellow staffer, Big-E, jumped in with a comment about the arrogance of GNT and the "great" job he was doing as moderator.

And that's when moderating went wrong. Had GNT simply answered the question, harmless as it was, this story would have ended here, but instead he went on the attack. GNT deemed it of no concern to the collecting world to "anyone her (sic) except for Australian members,"as to what price point these toys would be. He continued, "it's not like any US members are going to go to the effort to buy/ship them" here.

Well, not any more GNT. Not any more.

Then there's the other times. Like when I run into half-wits in the course of promoting the site. You know the type... do-nothing nobodies who can't really form a coherent though, so they validate their existence by contributing to on-line forums. I ran into one such goober when I promoted my Clonetrooper art over in Wuher's in the RS Forums. I asked for opinions of my latest artwork, but this guy felt it necessary to throw in a jab at CC.com.

Of course I'm having none of that... and I put the smack down on this dope. You know you've owned a guy when he resorts to blurting "Go **** yourself."

Click on the "Snapshots From" banner

http://forums.rebelscum.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005660

A few more months and my wife and I will be having our first child, a son. So in anticipation of my first son, who will one day inherit the old man's Star Wars collection, I have started a collection for him. He already has the full line of Playskool Star Wars toys and a few other little items that when he is a toddler he may enjoy. As father and son we will rule the Star Wars collecting community!

To celebrate this monumentous milestone, we're introducing a number of "new" features. I say "new" in quotes because most of them are just ways to link to old crap. Check out the snazzy new navbar on the left to see what we've added! Aw hell... let me walk you through them...

• News Archive!! Probably my most ambitious undertaking to date! The first two years I was using and editing a static html page for this site. When stuff was gone, it was pretty much gone... unless you knew the URL where I stored all the archived stories (I never published it). In 2003 I started using PHP and a database. And it's awesome. Now all the news is easily available on line... all I need to do is write the right PHP coding. But that old news was still inaccessible. Well, it was until today! I started entering all the old stories into another database, and I've written the code to display the first couple months of content!! In the coming weeks I'll be entering all the rest of the old stories... hundreds of them... so that everyone will be able to see everything ever written on this site. Don't ask me who would want to... but it'll be there.
  I'd almost forgotten what funny stuff we posted here in the beginning. Those stories really bring back some memories... Stofer's stuff was gold. Marblehead was (and still is) a genius. Bobby Sharp was just a lunatic. And Ric Nimrod really had his finger on the pulse of the collecting community. It was great stuff... and I really enjoyed going back and reading it again. Of course entering it into the database is a royal pain in the ass... but once it's there, it's great.
• Staff Bios!! Meet the guys who make you laugh and cringe on a weekly basis. What does it take to be a Cantina contributor? Go there and find out!!
• GPD Archive!! It's a step up from our sticky link in the Cantina Forums - a dedicated link to an archive of all the past episodes.
• Multimedia Archive!! OK... there's not much there yet. But Sandy whined so much about not wanting his "3PO Dress UP" Flash game being readily available that I threw him this bone. Maybe it'll motivate him to put together more Flash goodness!! We'll see...

So there you go... we at the Cantina are working hard to give our readers that little bit more to keep you coming back. Hopefully one day we'll actually attract a sponsor or two... generate a little revenue to pay for these hosting fees. Ah... one can only dream...

Humans and Their Furry Friends
Television producer Glen A. Larson was a huge Star Wars fan. Mr. Larson was so struck by the camaraderie and friendship between Han Solo and his co-pilot Chewbacca that he penned the television series "BJ & the Bear" which ran on NBC from 1979-81. The similarities are unquestionable. B.J. McKay was a good-looking young trucker who traveled around the country in his big red and white rig, with a single companion, his chimp named Bear. Han Solo was a good-looking young pilot who travels around the universe in his big white and gray rig, with a single companion, his bear-looking buddy named Chewy. Both of these guys lived as gypsy's letting business take them where it may while wooing women along the way. CC.com informs but you can make the call for yourself. Han Solo & Chewy......BJ & the Bear.

This week starts with a certain Canadian Collector that hangs out at many online
spots. Follow me through his world.........

Baldy: What is your real name?
CC:Count Chocula! Ah, ah ah! Well it's really Mike but don't write that out please.

Baldy: Where do you live and where are you from?
CC:Toronto, and a galaxy far, far away. (Fanboy alert!)

Baldy: Do you have a website?
CC:Yes, it's www.womprat.com and it is so much better than that crappy www.creaturecantina.com . Whoops....

Click here for the rest of the story.

Want fun? Just add alcohol!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 04.21.04 12:01am
There are distinct benefits that can be derived from an alcohol-saturated college education. One of them is the inspiration one can summon when they need to draw a comic strip and can't come up with anything... A good example of that would be this week's "The Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!

Another great reason to use AFA
Posted by: Bill Cable 04.21.04 12:01am
AFA provides a sealed, acrylic case to protect the condition of your figure for posterity!! Check it out:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3186968909

The Origin of Bubba
Posted by: Steve 04.21.04 12:01am
Since Galactic Postal Delivery has begun appearing here on CreatureCantina.com, one character has stood out among the rest, Bubba. Yes, the large, beer-swilling gorilla has become sort of fan-favorite to those loyal readers of GPD, and now has come the time to reveal the ORGIN OF BUBBA!

Click here for the rest of the story.

The Top 5 Obvious Usernames Created By Albert
Posted by: Durge 04.21.04 12:01am

5. I Am Not Albert
4. TK-SLT
3. AFA = God
2. Alberta, Alberts Widower
1. You okeoke Abdyr inoarticykar

Marblehead's News of the Weird
Posted by: Marblehead 04.21.04 12:01am
Banned In India
The original 1977 release of Star Wars, "A New Hope" was initially banned in the country of India over a simple beverage that many of us take for granted on a daily morning basis. India regards the cow as a highly religious symbol, any consumption of any bovine matter is considered sinful behavior. In the first cut of the film Aunt Beru was serving milk, chilled to a frosty and yummy 38 degrees. However, it was sour to the Hindu religious society. After much delineation George Lucas agreed to an alternative. He submitted the scene to the ILM special effects house where they performed their automagic marvels and transformed a rather sterile white into and intriguing shade of blue.

Ooooh, That Smell, Can't You Smell that Smell
Recent reports show that Sand People otherwise known as Tuskin Raiders prefer Old Spice over Speed Stick regular scent. Right Guard came in a disappointing third.

Stormtrooper scrounging for work...
Posted by: TK-0076 04.21.04 12:01am
Seems that TD-0124 lost his job with the Empire and had to look for another line of work. Bugs Bunny and the gang picked him up and took him to Six Flags and sure enough, put his a$$ to work. Unfortunately, this trooper's having trouble adjusting!?!

Baldy's Meet & Greet!
Posted by: Baldy 04.21.04 12:01am
Welcome back fellow collectors! This week on Meet and Greet I talk to a collector from Europe! He frequents the Rebelscum boards and also Galactic Hunter. Say hello to Leegray! Lets get going!

Click here for the rest of the story.

OK... it's time for a rant
Posted by: Bill Cable 04.21.04 12:01am
I haven't written a good rant in a while. I guess the good life has made me soft or something. Or maybe it was because there really hasn't been much going on in the hobby of late. And you don't want to rant without being passionate about it... it'll come off stale and lame.

Click here for the rest of the story.

My comic just kicks ass...
Posted by: Bill Cable 04.28.04 12:01am
How do I keep pumping out inspired comic strips week after week after week? Simple... I'm brilliant!! Bask in my genius with this week's "The Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!

Collectors world-'WIDE' lodge complaints against FX jackets
Posted by: toasty 04.28.04 12:01am
So, have you seen the new 'Star Wars' FX jackets? Yeah, the jackets with light-up fiber optic stars and green "laser blasts"? Dorks across the world are racing to purchase the most bitchin' collectable since Darth Maul and his bitchin' Camero. Only there's one small (or is that large..) problem.

No matter what other clothing Ebay may offer, nothing else will matter when standing in line next year for the swan song of the "Star Wars" saga. Of course, Bill Cable will once again strive to 1-up Rebelscum. One has to doubt that he can top last year's "Creature Cantina" shirt. Let's hope for a shirt featuring Mace Windu kicking ass with a light-up fiber-optic lightsaber!

The Top Five Rejected Names for General Grievous
Posted by: Durge 04.28.04 12:01am

5. Captain Obvious
4. Bad Guy
3. General Meannie
2. Robot
1. The big and mean and scary robot with the alien brain and robotic body from outer space who plans on annihilating the Jedi with his super duper powers.

Marblehead's News of the Weird
Posted by: Marblehead 04.28.04 12:01am
Your Filthy Little Mouth
During the audition sessions prior to casting for the Star Wars prequel trilogy, many surprise appearances were seen. However, non was more astonishing than the arrival of Diamond David Lee Roth himself auditioning for the roll of C-3PO. Anthony Daniels had assumed a few extra pounds during his absence of nearly 15 years so a safety fall back was being sought. Unfortunately it was during Dave's climatic, encore rendition of the X-rated C-3PO trading card that George Lucas, wanting to keep a family-friendly environment, decided the flamboyant front man may be too much for the suit.

The Top Five Star Wars Terms We Don't Want to Hear in a Presidential Speech
Posted by: Durge 04.28.04 12:01am

5. "The United States does not negotiate with bantha fodder."
4. "The economy is strong. Yipee!"
3. "May the force bless America."
2. "Iraq's hidden weapons are more powerful than the Death Star."
1. "We're in big doodoo this time."

BONUS! "The United States is okeokeokeoke."

Sandy's Quick Shots!
Posted by: Sandy Rivers 04.28.04 12:01am

Meet Bill Cable - Saturday!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 04.28.04 12:01am
Slowly but surely, my fame continues to grow. This site gets thousands of unique visitors every month. My art is beginning to make its way into the elite circles of this hobby. My comic strip has been "picked up" by TheBigJoke.com (all publicity is good publicity, after all). Hell, I was even quoted in the Bantha Tracks section of last month's Insider!!

I'm becoming "Bill Cable - the man... the myth... the legend." And it's time, I think, to make myself available to my public. So this Saturday I will be "appearing" at the Pittsburgh ComiCon and Pittsburgh Toy Show at the Monroeville ExpoMart!! Much of the day I'll be manning the PSWCS booth on the Toy Show side of the ExpoMart. But I'm also going to swing through the ComiCon to see who I can see (and who's willing to pose for a "CC.com Sucks!" photo. I'll be wearing the latest PSWCS T-shirt which should help you pick me out of a crowd.

If you don't really care about seeing me there, you should still be sure to stop by the PSWCS Booth. We'll have interactive games, prizes, displays of collectibles and PSWCS exclusives. You'll have the opportunity to enter a drawing for a convention exclusive custom carded SW action figure, as well as win other PSWCS goodies. Plus you'll get the chance to gab with the good people of PSWCS. It's an event not to be missed!! I hope to see you there!

A fool and his money...
Posted by: Bill Cable 04.28.04 12:01am
OK... I'll admit it. I love every chance I get to make a few bucks off this web site. Not a lot of people take advantage of our unique advertising style, so when someone does fork up the money I always try to do my best.

But realistically, the only thing I really need to say is "Hey "All-Con" guys... I look forward to receiving another of your $15 checks sometime in November, when an ad for your convention will actually make sense!!! Until then...

My deadline approaches...
Posted by: Bill Cable 05.05.04 12:01am
Well, it's almost time to post the update, and I really don't have time to put together a witty intro for this week's comic. So I'll just say many thanks to Jon Truzinski for sending in this week's idea. It's always great to get a break from being creative. Enjoy this week's "The Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!

Death Threats Against RebelScum© Increase
Posted by: toasty 05.05.04 12:01am
As the death threats and attacks increase, Creature Cantina has learned that Rebelscum uber-dictator Philip Wise has taken on some new staff. What's their position, you ask? Expert vintage staff? Some asshole who thinks he knows everything about the Expanded Universe? Nope. Guess again - these new staff members are BODYGUARDS! We have acquired photos of these new bodyguards, at a great cost. Many a Kodak digital camera was broken. Fingernails were bent, almost to the point of drawing blood. Click here to see for yourself.

Intergalactic Propagandist Arrested
Posted by: Bill Cable 05.05.04 12:01am
After years of tireless pursuit, an elite unit of troopers finally tracked down and apprehended noted anti-Empire Propagandist Bill Cable. Cable was cornered while attempting to peddle his vile inaccuracies to a group of unsuspecting blaster-replica enthusiasts at a convention in lower Coruscant. His attempts to defend himself were laughably futile, since not one of the seven weapons he pulled had the capacity to fire.

After Cable was in custody, he was escorted to a remote facility where he engorged on dinner bread and Rigatoni with hot sausage. During his interrogation, he was peppered with questions about his propaganda network, and reportedly gave up the locations of many of his accomplices. (Baldy... Sandy... RUN!!!)

Now Cable has "gone missing," according to Carida Minister of Propaganda TK-0114. Here's the last known photo of the criminal:

Baldy's Meet & Greet!
Posted by: Baldy 05.05.04 12:01am
Hello again and welcome back to another Meet and Greet with a VERY special guest! Unfortunately this collector would not allow me to get a name or place of birth/nationality. But, they were pretty helpful with questions that every collector worth his salt has had for a long, long time. Let me introduce "X", an actual real person and member of the elusive and hidden "Inner Circle".

Click here for the rest of the story.

Headline writer pisses off editor
Posted by: Lord Melbury 05.05.04 12:01am
Well I've finally done it - I've gone too far. Week after week I try and come up with those pithy Star Wars-related headlines (among the others) and last week I really pushed the envelope. For the first time that I can recall, Mr. C had to edit a single word within one of my hokey bits of weekly Star Wars pop culture humor. Shall I mention the one? If I do will you be able to solve the mystery? Is it even funny WITH the unedited word? Do you even care?

Aw screw it - just keep reading will ya

CC.com Presents: The Creature Cantina Fan Club!
Posted by: Durge 05.05.04 12:01am
Hey kids! Do you love getting the latest news on your favorite films in a way that only CreatureCantina.com can give? Do you love to see people get humiliated, abused and stepped on? Do you like poorly wirtten articles and bad humor? If you answered yes to any of these questions, do we have the fan club for you!

Send checks or money orders to CreatureCantina.com or call 555-Cant to place your order by phone! We have a representative standing by waiting for your call!

Orli Agrees: CreatureCantina.com SUCKS!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 05.05.04 12:01am
CreatureCantina.com invaded the Pittsburgh ComiCon and Pittsburgh Toy, Comic & Childhood Collectables Show last weekend, and it was a stunning success! I walked away with a cherry, unpunched ESB Luke Bespin walking photo, an autograph from Orli Shoshan, and three great new "CreatureCantina.com SUCKS!" photos for the Cantina Celebrities page! And I ran into all sorts of CreatureCantina.com fans who recognized me by my shirt! Of course... I already knew all of them before... and most were from PSWCS and Carida... but still... I'm FAMOUS!!!

Another lame comic intro...
Posted by: Bill Cable 05.12.04 12:01am
Here is this weeks updated comic strip. Since all my writers suck this week, I figured its time for me to slack off too. so NO INTRO! HA! PS: This is all Baldy's fault. He is going down very soon... Until then, here's this week's "The Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!