Surprisingly, SirSteve was available for comment. He explained: "Take these Alpine video bypasses I'm selling right now... if I sell about 200 of them I end up making almost the same profit I can make off of a Toy Fair Vader!! It's really not THAT much extra work... and I can afford all the digital camera batteries I need. Best of all, nobody yells at me!"

Frankly, we here at CreatureCantina.com are stunned. Could one of the most notorious figures in the hobby have turned a new leaf? We suppose only time will tell...

Take for example the Geonosian arena battle. Sure it was a fantastic scene of dozens of Jedi sacrificing themselves against the Battle Droid hoards. But exactly why did they do this? What motivated Mace Windu to call for this mass suicide? It was a RESCUE MISSION. A rescue mission to rescue ONE JEDI. Note that Mace and the gang thought Padme and Anakin were safely hiding on Tatooine. So Mace Windu called in EVERY AVAILABLE JEDI to save Obi-Wan's sorry ass. He didn't go in covert-like with a squad of crack troops who specialize in hostage rescue... no he drops a couple hundred Jedi into the middle of a hundred-thousand seat stadium sitting atop a known Battle Droid manufacturing plant!! "Gee, I wonder if they'll have reinforcements??"

But the point is, Mace sacrificed hundreds of Jedi in an effort to save ONE Jedi. That doesn't seem like that logical of a decision. But Mace isn't the only Jedi Master who doesn't know his math. It seems the "wise" Jedi Master Yoda has the same flaw. Yoda was a few lightsaber strokes away from preventing the Clone Wars. All he needed to do was strike down Dooku. But Dooku knocked over that tower thing and Yoda got all distracted saving Obi-Wan and Anakin. So in an effort to save TWO Jedi - one of which didn't even have an arm - Yoda let Dooku escape to continue an intergalactic war. A war in which close to a million Clonetroopers would march to their deaths. A war in which untold thousands of innocents died in the cross-fire. A war which decimated the republic, threw back technical progress by generations, and allowed Palpatine to rise to power casting billions of innocents under his cruel reign.

What were these guys thinking??? These are the best and brightest of the Old Republic?? No wonder the Jedi were driven to extinction. When you want to save ONE Jedi, you don't send in every single available Jedi to the rescue! You send in ONE MORE! If Mace had any idea what he was doing he would have offed Dooku and Jango in one swipe of the lightsaber and the war never would have happened! And Yoda... when you're in a pitched battle to defeat the Supreme Commander of the opposition, you don't take a time out to save two grunts. That's especially true after 200 other Jedi just died in the arena! But I guess Obi-Wan and Anakin are so much better than all those other Jedi, aren't they?

When asked for comment, Nein was quoted as saying, "Mmmubub hoo ma subabba"...or some crap like that... I totally can't understand what the guy says. Where's Lando to translate when you need him?

Mr. Nunb can be seen Monday through Saturday, from 11:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., and on Sundays from 12:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m.. He performs every twenty minutes, and will even sing you a special birthday song if you phone ahead!

You've got me in suspense for next weeks' installment. Salad? What kind of salad???

Starkiller also said the arrests of several suspected Separatist members recently announced by the Republic did not quell concerns.

The Separatist movement, led by the mysterious former Jedi 'Count Dooku', has been blamed by the Republic for several terrorist attacks and assassination attempts.

Republic officials said they had intelligence suggesting senior Separatist member Alto Stratus was hiding in the Outer Rum and had advance knowledge of the bombing weeks ago in which 34 beings, including eight Clonetroopers, were killed.

For those of you that may not be aware, I am strictly a vintage collector. Kenner released some fabulous figures between '78 and '86, but there are a few aspects about some of the figures that I just can't get behind.

Take for instance Walrusman. What is the frickin deal with this figure? Is he supposed to be some sort of Praying Mantis Lifeguard or something? He looks absolutely nothing like the film character, except the butt crack in the middle of his face. Look at his eyes, for cryin out loud! He looks like he's been sniffing paint! He has a very "Crappy B Movie Sci-Fi Flick" look to him... like he should be battling it out with Mothra or something.

Walrusman gets my vote for "Lamest Figure Ever" award.

Tune in next week to see the First Runner-Up!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3132479281

Sources close to the investigation explained that; "The similarities between these two characters are identical. We can only conclude, at this point, that the creative ideas to create the character from The Empire Strikes Back, came solely from our client." They further stated; "This could cost Lucas Film, Ltd. some serious bling."

There has been no confirmation from the Lucas Camp on these allegations. One low level employee from Industrial Light and Magic did say; "There are no comparisons. Next thing ya know they'll say we got the idea of Yoda, from the Muppets."

The investigation is continuing. Let the readers decide.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3132349297

Now pick your jaw up off the floor, and take a few deep breaths. We don't want to send anybody into shock right now. At least not on the basis of the auction alone...

Let's talk about this... NINE HUNDRED SIXTEEN DOLLARS for a Jedi carded Yoda. Correction - a Jedi carded Yoda with an Emperor offer. Two of the four standards of value aren't even in play (those two being "premier card" and "offerless"). This is a non-premier, non-offerless example of a Yoda... and thus not really all that desirable based on the old standards of the MOC collecting hobby. And yet someone saw fit to spend NINE HUNDRED SIXTEEN DOLLARS on it just because it got an AFA95 grade.

So I have a question for the high bidder - WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU SMOKING??? When you sit down to take a dump, do $20 bills come out of your ass? I can't imagine any other reason why you'd be compelled to spend NINE HUNDRED SIXTEEN DOLLARS on what's essentially an $80 figure.

With that in mind, time to unveil another "What was Kenner thinking when they came up with that" figure award!

This week's lucky winner is none other than General Madine. Honestly I don't have too much to say about the figure itself, except that no kid would ever pick a crusty-old general with almost no screen time over a main character or a cool looking alien. Kenner did make the figure older than the actor though, what with the gray hair and all (unless you count the green hair variation... then Madine is PUNK RAWK!).

My main beef is with his accessory! What's with his "Battle Staff of Righteousness"? It looks like he broke a car antenna off a Dodge Neon and brought it to work with him! What does he use it for... to give his platoon nasty welts if they step outta line?

Kenner came up with several lame accessories. To find out which are the lamest... TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!

Troopers arrested and arraigned Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi last week on charges of panhandling and selling souvenir lightsaber novelties to local boys in and around Mos Eisley. No formal charges of misconduct with minors were made. Barely able to lift a hand, Kenobi attempted to use the Force on the Troopers to no avail - as they were unable to decipher the stilted speech and mumbles.

When asked for a statement, "old man" Kenobi explained he was recruiting for a New Jedi Order, however, the presence of an empty prescription bottle of Lithium indicated schizophrenia and paranoia. Living up to his reputation as a "crazy old wizard", Ben was found sleeping in a run-down landspeeder with no registration, filled with potato chip bags and one datari bill "handouts," and in his urine-soaked robe. Quite the undignified state for the once powerful man he claimed he was. Ten years earlier, Kenobi sold his only remaining possession, an R2 unit, to a junk dealer in Mos Espa for a mere 29 datari. The R2 unit was instrumental in keeping their income steady by projecting holograms of females outside of a "strip" club in Mos Eisley's "Red Light District". It was his fixation with resurrecting the Jedi Order that caused him to fall deeper into the bowels of poverty and mental illness.

The show felt bigger this year and at times I’m pretty sure there were more people in attendance than last year. This being, primarily, a comic book convention, the guests, programming and displays were geared to that medium which was fine with me, but left me with the feeling that I’m missing out on something by not reading comics much anymore.

Entering the convention hall brought you face-to-face with some hot comic and movie companies with Palisades, View Askew, DC and Marvel right up front. Wizard had a large booth as did CrossGen and Pioneer which was showing off some amazing multimedia and television setups. There were several gaming areas showing off the (relatively) new Hero Clix system as well as Magic and Yu-Gi-Oh.

It seems that Mr. Park went to lunch and left this Imperial with instructions to; "Watch my stuff." TK-0076 took it upon himself to start signing autographs, for the unsuspecting convetion freaks. One fan exclaimed; "It doesn't look like Ray... Oh well, he's behind the table, must be someone famous." Another fan said; "He's so handsome, but I thought Ray was shorter."

When confronted by Wizards Staff and local Police, TK-0076's only excuse was; "I told them I was Mr. Park's personal janitor during the making of EP1. That was good enough for them and .25 cents an autograph. No harm, no foul." He also said; "I needed the money for new white boots."

The TK was arrested and charged with fraud. He was released on $2,500.00 bail. He is currently writing stories for an online Star Wars Spoof/Satire site which pays "D#CK."

First let me say this, the figure is magnificent. Kenner did a spot on job with this one, and Ackbar has been one of my favorite figs since Jedi came out in '83. His accessory is another story. Another staff. Hmm. I definitely think Ackbar shouldn't have come with oh-so many blasters and weapons of mass destruction like his modern-era counter part... but this staff is... uh ... well let's just say it looks like it came out of the drawer at his bedside table... if ya know what I mean. No wonder he's red! He's embarrassed that he has to wave that thing at his fleet! If that was actually a screen used prop (which I know it wasn't), Return of the Jedi would be once step away from only being shown on Cinemax!

There are a few other accessories that don't quite match up to the figure. To see the next one, well... you know what to do...

"My goal is to not have to work at all," he explained.

Helpful collectors and fans by the droves helped him move closer to that goal, too. "When I was there I heard a rumor that proceeds will go towards providing more support to the community from my Rebelscum.com Collector's site, but unfortunately no such plans are in the works" Mr. Wise explained.

"I made sure that I quashed that rumor just minutes after the autograph tables closed"

As an admitted sniper, I say FEH on your self-pity! Always bid the absolute most you want to pay for something... that way if you get sniped, it's no big deal. It went for more than it was worth to you. There'll always be another.

Fabulous New listing from Empirical Realty: 512A LEVEL 41

4030-square-foot rent-controlled condominium on "Death Star". Located on a central living level of a prime and well-defended military installation. NON-MILITARY OK! This lease is open to anyone interested and it's priced to MOVE! Previous owner deployed to the Outer Rim - his loss is your GAIN!

Travel the Galaxy on this positionable space station that overlooks any scene you desire! (station location request results vary by relevance/political affiliation and are subject to review - actual relocation of space station 4 galactic months)

Don't let the name "Death Star" fool you - it's all HEART - you'll fall in LOVE with this unit. All new amenities and Imperial Training Facility A3F-4R School District (Rated Top 97 Percentile of the Empire). Five bedroom, three bath with ample nearby docking bay access: plenty of room for your speeder and TWO Corellian-Class Starships! Steel floors for easy cleaning. Central power and environmental controls. All condominiums equipped with Interrogation Droid and closed-circuit television. You can't beat our security!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2419109879

I know what you're thinking: "Why would I be interested in a stupid trailer?" Well, this isn't just some trailer-park cast off!! This is the long-time storefront for the esteemed Star Wars collectibles store "Hollywood Heroes!!!" Not only that... this shrine is rumored to have been the long-term resting place of the legendary Droids-line Tatooine Skiff vehicle. There's also a distinct possibility that this low-cost domicile also housed the Sarlacc Pit playset and a number of rare "transition" ROTJ/POTF production carded figures for a short period.

After the traumatic experience, the once highly regarded former TK was left curled up, like a baby, lying in his own tears. He was clutching the leg, only the leg, of a 1982 ESB Snowtrooper, saying: "They took it, they took everything." The once TK was banished from the 501st, Garrison Carida, stripped of his fine Star Wars Collection and ordered never to say the words STAR, WARS, FIVE, ZERO, or ONE, ever again.

After discovering these recent events of turmoil, the Police Department, which the TK had served for the past ten years as a six-time decorated officer, summarily dismissed him as a member of their force. They stated in a press release that: "This officer's actions were highly questionable. How can we allow him to carry a gun for a living when he's not even trusted with a blaster? We feel sorry for his wife and young child. They've had to live with his lunacy far too long. We wish him well."

The once TK had a secret set of armor, which he kept hidden next to the lawn mower in his garage. Here's an exclusive picture of the TK resting in a nearby psychiatric hospital. Let's all keep this poor slob in our prayers.

ANOTHER FRICKIN' STAFF!!! It seems that whenever the big K were left up to their own devices on an accessory, they never got past the staff! What kid wants to play with this many staffs, I ask you?

This one belongs to Luke's right hand man (literally), 2-1B. Again, magnificent figure... but the staff looks like an over-sized socket wrench.

It seems that Mr. 1B is not only a licensed practitioner of medicine, but can also tear down a transmission with the greatest of ease. I really would've like to have seen the scene in ROTJ where Luke has his hand lubed and tuned by 2-1B before heading off to Endor. And if he did get lubed, wouldn't that be considered a hand-job? (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

They specifically cited that although Darth Vader suffered from a lack of anger management, his son Luke still acknowledged the good in him and was "sensitive" to include him and invite him back into the Light Side of the Force. Therefore, when confronting a Sith Lord, the A.C.L.U. recommends classifying this viable contributor as member of The Absent of Light Side... This would allow the Sith Lord to feel more included in society.

As a sign of solidarity, the Rock Group, Pink Floyd announced that they have changed the name of their most celebrated album to; "The Absent of Light Side of the Moon". A spokesperson for the band said; "What the heck, we gotta get some publicity somewhere?"

Experts blame both his social withdrawal and his diet for his death. The coroner speculates that he was surviving on nothing but french fries and vinegar soaked lettuce until his lifeless, protein starved body finally gave out. He was found, slumped over a heap of Sears Wishbooks and a working draft of his latest Toysrgus.com special feature entitled: The Complete Collectors Guide to the Glamour Gals Display Stand."

His death went almost unnoticed... only a few dedicated collectors who were keeping tabs on him even realized he had died. At a small memorial service, the sparse crowd had a mixed reaction to his passing.

Chris Georgoulias seemed particularly affected. When pressed for comment, he blurted out "Ron Salvatore was the sexiest man I've ever known, and I'm not afraid to say that. All I can picture is his photo on the Toys R Gus web site. Ron, you will be missed..."

Another collector, a Ms. Virginia Jarvis Brooks, was heard muttering: "Great... now his fake micros are REALLY going to sky-rocket."

Jane Abbott refused to comment as she walked out of the chapel, but we heard her say under her breath: "One down..."

But the most memorable comments from the ceremony where when an incensed 30-year-old stood up in his pew, screamed at the top of his lungs, "YOU BASTARD!!!! YOU KILLED CHEWIE!!!!" and then ran up and defiled the coffin with various bodily excrements and fluids.

Well it turns out I was dead wrong! "Bill Cable" is in fact..................

A WARRIOR PRINCESS!!!

Want proof? Click here!

Sunday evening, I listed the bulk of my Playmates Simpsons collection on eBay. I'm keeping about two shelves worth of them, but the rest needed to go. I listed them all with no reserves and $1 opening bids. I know I won't get but a fraction of what I originally paid for them, and it breaks my heart to flush so much money down the toilet, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I even went so far as to list a couple of my SUPER RARE Vintage MOC Star Wars figures. This is the first time I've ever seen these two carded figures offered on eBay. Don't miss your chance to scoop them up with their super-low opening bid. Check them out: SUPER RARE MOC FIGURE #1; SUPER RARE MOC FIGURE #2

It seems CreatureCantina.com has a fan base that reaches all corners of the globe, because I was amazed to find that all three emails came from NIGERIA!

Alas, what my Nigerian brothers emailed troubled me to the core. Here are some excerpts of all three emails:

Text going along with it from those on the "inside" in Australia say that there are a lot of indoor sets for the next installment of our favorite movie franchise. Other news is that the movie will be a little darker and the actors will be sporting more of a '70's look to blend in with the look of the original "Star Wars: A New Hope" actors. This picture, debuting here on CreatureCantina.com seems to support that.

Our Tests and Results:

Safety tests also showed that the A-Wing was not quite as solid in landing and fuel efficiency as originally reported. Even with the intended single occupant, landing gear was sluggish to deploy, and could do very little to counter the inertia upon impact. No doubt the Dantooine-machined footpads contributed to the rough ride, with most Dantooine parts consistently failing safety and quality standards imposed by the Empire.

The A-Wing got about 12 parsecs per solid fuel pellet, while classics such as the X-Wing fared better, with 14 parsecs per pellet. The X-Wing also offers transit for your Astromech Droid - so if long trips are on your agenda, you may go with the old standard. For large family units - those with an abundance of progeny - transport ships (although not often trendy and quite clunky with low fuel efficiency and that ever-popular "dork-factor") are a better choice.

Recent recalls have also sparked controversy, as multiple A-Wings in proximity with one another tend to ignite their plasma exhausts - for a clearly "explosive situation" - one that the Republic Senate vows to tackle.

Well, that just cuts it. I just relisted the auction:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3137135209

To some, Hal Wamsley is supposedly the Jawa (Datcha) that shot R2D2 in the beginning of A New Hope. To others he is more evil than the Emperor and SirSteve combined, ruining prized possessions by autographing them. I had the chance to meet Hal Wamsley a few years ago at the Pittsburgh Comicon, and was extremely excited. I mean, I was up all night bouncing around my bedroom with excitement. Wow, I was finally going to be able to add an autographed Jawa figure to my collection. I would be the envy of all my friends.

I should have known that something was up, when Hal was sitting in a dull corner all by himself. The rest of the Star Wars guests were sitting together including Kenny Baker, Mike Quinn, and Jerome Blake. I had heard talk that Kenny Baker hated Hal Wamsley and thought he was a fake. Kenny claims that his old friend, the late Jack Purvis, played Datcha. Well, holy Hell Kenny stand up and tell the world if Hal Wamsley is a fake. I mean you were there when they were filming, weren't you.

Hal claims that he was there all those years ago, but neither he nor Lucas films have any record of Hal playing the Jawa famous for shooting R2D2. But then again, nobody has any record that he didn't. So, if anybody has any information proving Hal Wamsley is either the real thing or a fake, please let me know. Because, if he is a fake I want to kick his fake ass and get my ten bucks back!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3135861134

And you thought only Chewbacca was produced with the rare green plastic that makes a green-limbed Chewie so desirable! And I bet you thought the light-blue limbed Max Rebo was a true rarity! Well... make room for another extremely rare variation!

I'm just so happy right now. This is my first published artwork!!! Well... it is if you ignore the 500 or so comic strips I did for the Cavalier Daily in college, and the hundreds of other art pieces I did as a Graphics Editor... and I don't know if you can count all the stuff I've had on the Web... But hey... this is my first published Star Wars artwork... except for that two-month run of SW-themed comic strips. OK... this ACTUALLY IS the first of my work that was published in an officially licensed Star Wars magazine... and that's just something to be damn proud of!

But I must admit, there are a few problems with the artwork. It isn't my best piece. First of all, it was kind of thrown together. I read a note on RS asking for art "inspired by the Clone Wars." Being a creature of the Internet age, I interpreted that as "DRAW SOMETHING RIGHT NOW!!" I was excited by the prospect of the upcoming cartoon, but at the time all we had was that poster from the SW Web site. So I did the best I could from the only source material I had available.

And I made one big mistake... I thought Asajj Ventress was a guy. A thin, kinda anime-looking pseudo guy, but a guy none the less. And it turns out that Ventress is actually a hot, bald chick like Aurra Sing. So in my drawing, she's a little lacking in assets, if you know what I'm saying.

But hey... it was good enough to get published! And it has the honor of being the only drawing published that was truly inspired by the Clone Wars cartoon!! All those other artists just sent in existing pieces (which, when thinking about it now, isn't that bad an idea...).

Lama Su, Prime Minister of Kamino, was today indicted for the largest scandal "South" of the Richi Maze. In an incredible display of Republic evidence, the Kaminoans Clone Army contract was revoked, and formal charges placed against the little-known race for many counts of conspiracy against the Republic.

Dr. "Roofoo" Evazan, second-string medical counsel for the Republic tribunal, stated that when the "product" (the Clone Army) began to exhibit tall-and-thin traits, the Kaminoans had lost their ability to guarantee the quality of their goods. Evazan also stated that since the Kamino facility had lost both their Six Sigma and ISO certifications two years prior to the delivery of faulty items, they should have been eliminated from the bidder's list long ago.

When asked for comment, Lama Su said slowly, "It was imperative that we substitute the DNA of the deceased Jango Fett with one of our own in order to fill the orders, because of the time involved to grow the mature clones". When asked what had happened to the original DNA, Lama Su explained that someone had mistakenly used it as salad dressing.

"On the original work order, there was never any indication that the product delivered be Mandalorian specifically. In fact, we considered the product to be superior to the previous run of clones, since the items delivered after the DNA substitution ended up far more balanced and graceful than the original host..."

"This is WAR, not a freakin' ballet!" Aqualish Senator G'und K'kar-tahk-tahl shouted. The tribunal recessed until later this week.

JangosApt.com was created by former CC.com contributor Jango Fettish (never has a screen name been more appropriate). Fettish abandoned CC.com earlier this year so he could write some bitch-and-moan column over on Jedi Defender. No, we're not bitter. And I guess with all the time he saved writing for that other site instead of for us, he was able to put together his own site to display his collection.

It's obvious from the start that Jedi Defender wanted Fettish for his writing skill, and not his web design abilities. White text on a black background. Minimal graphics. Pages that are essentially long, LONG bullet lists. Blue visited links that you can't read. It's a whole world of amateurish mistakes.

But the most important thing about any web site is its content... and Fettish's site shows you just how much money one man can fork over to LucasFilm. We're talking about 330 unique Jango Fett items; each one of the officially licensed. No need for anything REALLY interesting, like bootlegs or customs. Nope... this is all 100% white bread authorized Jango swag. So if you're in the mood to look at pages and pages of blue and silver images (admittedly a nice break from the pages and pages of white text on black), this is your place. But if you're not really interested in seeing a blurry photo of a pewter Rawcliffe Jango Fett Helmet Keychain, you probably will live your entire life never regretting that you decided not to check this site out.