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Kevin Smith to Write Episode III
Posted by: Big_E 4-3-02 12:01am
In a move likely to shock fans
everywhere, it was learned today that George Lucas has asked
Kevin Smith to write and co-direct Star Wars ­ Episode III.
Smith, during an appearance at the University
of Rhode Island spoke to fans about a phone call he received
from Lucas in April. According to Smith, Lucas called him after
seeing Smith's Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. "After seeing
Jay and Bob Lucas went and checked out some of my writing on
'Daredevil' and 'Green Lantern' and decided to give me a call
and ask if I'd write and help direct Episode III," Said
Smith. "I was really surprised, to say the least. But I
had to agree. You can't pass something like this up."
it's unknown at this time why Lucas would
call on someone else to write the final episode in his prequel
trilogy, arguably the most important as it will tie directly
into Episode 4, the first Star Wars movie released in 1977.
Smith continues, "Lucas didn't talk
about any particulars for the film yet, but I don't think he'd
have called if he wasn't looking for great dialogue and possibly
some off-the-wall humor."
Smith is known for his well-written dialogue,
pop culture references, and insights on relationships and world
goings-on in movies such as Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent
Bob Strike Back.
Another standard in Smith's movies are
his actors, several of whom have made appearances in all five
of his "Red Bank" movies. When asked if Smith would
cast any of his regulars in the final Star Wars movie, he replied,
"Wouldn't Affleck look great in some Vader armor? And Renee
[Humphrey] would make a great, young Leia."
Fans at the appearance had mixed reactions
to the news.
Dick Gifford from New York wasn't sure
of the news, "I don't know about that. This is Lucas' baby
and, although I think Smith is great on his stuff, he shouldn't
be messing around with something like this."
Says Tasha Tully, "I'm such a huge
fan of Smith's that I'll go see anything that he writes or directs.
I'm not a huge Star Wars fan but knowing that Kevin will write
it, I'll definitely go see it."
Calls to Lucasfilm hadn't been returned
at the time of this article.
Speculation in the industry is that this
could be just a ploy to garner some extra press just before the
release of Star Wars ­ Episode II ­ Attack of the Clones
opening on May 16th. Arguably, the press and news, although covering
Clones, isn't as excited as they were before the release of Episode
I in May 1999. One insider, on condition of anonymity, "I
think Lucas is happy that Clones is coming out on the down-low,
so to speak, but I definitely think that he wants all the press
he can get this close to the actual opening."
One thing for certain, Attack of the Clones
will be opening in just over a month and the word on the street
so far is that it's going to be quite a ride. Even Harry Knowles
of Aint-it-cool-news.com has given it his proverbial two-thumbs-up.
Scratching some more backs
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-3-02 12:01am
This guy Beedo has submitted more
"The Cantina" comic strip ideas than I can count. The
least I can do is plug his site, right? So this one's for you,
Beedo!
Greetings!
Since 1998, the folks at Beedo Sookcool's
Cool Sci-Fi Page have been collecting ideas for Star Wars toys
that the collecting community want to see made. The list has
been compiled over several years by poring over books, videos,
comics, games, and collectible cards, and asking fellow collectors
what they want to see made. The result, as it stands now, is
staggering. Still, more needs to be done. We are inviting people
to drop by, have a look, and we make suggestions for The Ultimate
Star Wars Wish List, which can be found at the following URL:
http://www.geocities.com/Area51...WishList.html
All suggestions will be given due consideration
-- except for that green abomination, Jaxxon. He is NEVER getting
on the list. EVER.
Regardless, this list is to be shared with
all the collecting community, and MOST ESPECIALLY WITH HASBRO.
(All right, so I don't do subtle.) So, if you folks would be
so kind as to post a small announcement and/or link to the Wish
List page, we would be most grateful.
Yours sincerely,
Nigel "Beedo Sookcool" Willis
Beedo Sookcool's Cool Sci-Fi Page
Keeping the HoloNet weird since September 1997!
P.S. This is just between you 'n' me, but
I have it from an inside source that Hasbro is just LOOKING for
an excuse to do Droid Variant Multi-Packs. Something to think
about, eh? The question is, what would be the best way to do
it? The Wish List suggests ways of pulling it off, but it's not
going to do any good if nobody from Hasbro sees it. (Again, so
I'm not known for my subtlety.) And this is NOT an April Fool's
gag, folks; I do NOT mess around when it comes to collecting.
Star Wars: The Exploitment Continues
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 4-3-02 12:01am
Just these past two weeks there
have been floods of Star Wars fanboys yapping about the leakage
of "Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones" action
figures prior to their release date of April, 23rd. Little did
they know there was yet another leak. However, these are some
"figures", most female..er some male.. Star Wars fans
would love to get there hands on.
The release of a surprise 12 month, Star
Wars themed calender was slated to debut on April 23rd as well.
However, an advance copy has been leaked to one female Star Wars
enthusiast, who wishes to remain anonymous. She chose, me, Dark
Hybrid, to break this story. "Oh my gawwwwd you guys! This
calendar is like..so hot!". As she let me take a sneak peak
at this "surprise" calender, I come to find it was
in the vein of the popular "Manmeat of the Month" calenders
of past. This calender, aptly named, "Jedis, Lords, and
Lovers", depicted scantly clad pictures of Jedi Knights
and Dark Lords such as Mace Windu, Anakin Skywalker, and the
real shocker, Ol' Palpy himself!!
"OMG..like Anakin..he's got such a
big..LIGHTSABER!". Ms. X quickly flashed Mr. October, Anakin
Skywalker, and his strategically placed lightsaber. As she flipped
through, we came to a rather revealing shot of Dexter Jettseter,
decked across a metal serving table. Not a pretty sight. Upon
complete review of this calender, needless to say..the exploitation
of Star Wars has now reached a new high. Party favors..shower
curtains..and now "revealing" calenders. Woman usually
get the shaft when it comes to female geared Star Wars collectibles.
So ladies, here's to you. The FEMALE Star wars collector. Now..how
about that.."Babes of the Arena Battle" calender, Georgie..?
Sith Shopping Spree!
Posted by: Darth Paul 4-3-02 12:01am
 Apparently the Dark Side of the Force did not help
Darth Maul in a shopping spree he entered and lost last week,
which aired on cable televisions Home & Garden Channel. Kim
Smith, the winner of the shopping spree, said she was not intimidated
at all, when she found out her opponent would be the fearsome
Sith Lord. "He may be able to hunt down and destroy the
most venerable Jedi, but he ain't got nothing on a supermarket
regular like me!" Smith said in a T.V. interview after the
event. When asked about his unusual strategy of "willing"
the items into his shopping basket with his Force powers, Maul
said, "I sense a great disturbance in this fruit!?"
Stay tuned next week for the Home & Garden Channels new program,
The Gungan Woodcraft Workshop where everyone's favorite Gungan,
Jar Jar Binks, uses large power tools.
RebelScum plans to dominate Star Wars Internet!
Posted by: toasty 4-3-02 12:01am
Mergers and Star Wars. It would
be hard to picture Star Trek and Star Wars becoming one, but
that's just part of the plan with Rebelscum. Since Rebelscum
merged with CollectStarWars.com and Phil Wise gained a controlling
interest in TheForce.net, the Star Wars on-line collecting universe
has been getting smaller and smaller.
Last week, "Trekkie Webb" was
swallowed by Rebelscum. The reason? "We liked their CSS's
and design layout", was the reason given to me by an anonymous
insider who would only refer to himself as "Star Wars Dealer".
Rumors are swirling about, some almost too crazy to believe.
Almost. "They had Gus down on the ground with a gun to his
head, but he refused!" is the tale from the forums at Toys
R Gus.
Internal documents indicate that after
RebelScum and TFN are merged under the RebelScum banner, Wise
plans to compel LucasFilm to send Cease and Desist orders to
EVERY OTHER unofficial Star Wars web site in the glorious tradition
of Paramount Pictures. This would give RebelScum an unfettered
monopoly on all Star Wars information on the Internet. Only parody
sites would have the legal protection to weather such a storm
of censorship!
Another anonymous poster tells of plans
for Rebelscum to take over StarWars.com after Episode III. "Come
on, man! Can't you see it? There will be no new toys. No new
toys equals no Star Wars news. What are they going to do, become
a fan site?".
With the end of Star Wars a mere 3 years
away, the management team of Rebelscum (rumored to be the Al
Queda) has set their sites on other fandom properties. "Star
Trek". "Lord of the Rings". Even "Dr. Who"
isn't safe from being merged with. Or should we say EATEN ALIVE!
State of Star Wars Address: One Year Down
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 4-3-02 12:01am
A year in the making... and celebrating
a scant 6 weeks until a brand new Star Wars movie graces movie
screens across this magnificent nation... this is your anniversary
issue of "The Mighty
Nimrod Speaks!!!"
Scratching some backs
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-3-02 12:01am
Dave from EssentialComics.com
has been a valuable asset to both PSWCS
and CC.com... offering great merch at BELOW MSRP. Now he has
an affiliates program so I can get a few bucks for sending people
his way! Too cool!! But of course I haven't signed up yet. Go
buy something anyway from EssentialComics.com!!
Also, Jason Coulston has paid for plugs
for his eBay auctions on numerous occasions over the course of
our first year. Yeah... he did a piss-poor job on his listings
9 time out of 10, and he probably lost money more often on items
I plugged here than he made profits which pretty much demonstrated
CC.com to be an awful marketing tool and drove away every future
potential customer we could hope for... but it did help pay for
hosting!! So thank you Jason... here's a freebie plug to your
auctions:
http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewListedItems&userid=rjcoulston
It's a damn shame you're not selling anything right now...
A Whole New Meaning to Broad Street Bullies!!
Posted by: Darth Paul 4-3-02 12:01am
In a resolute attempt to quell the rebelling Philadelphia,
PA Region, The Empire has dispatched Stormtroopers to the area
to contain all rebellious activities, and promptly arrest any
Rebel insurgents. When asked to comment, Garrison Carida commander
TK-076 said, "We've got control over most of the region,
although some of the outlying areas still hold some pockets of
resistance." The Imperial presence is extremely visible
to local residents, one South Eastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority
(SEPTA) commuter complained about Imperial troops being assigned
to driving duty on some downtown routes "They can't see
(expletive deleted) out of those helmets, yet they expect to
drive a freakin' bus!!!!" The Mayor's office has declined
to comment, on the Imperial activities in and around the city.
Top 10 Reasons CreatureCantina.com Survived a Year
Posted by: Big_E 4-3-02 12:01am
10 Bill's ego.
9 Too many funny cartoons to draw.
8 We keep writing this crap to be posted.
7 Fan support.
6 Plenty of free time at work to do updates.
5 ASS (Ask Scott Something, get yer mind outta the gutter).
4 Nimrod's top 100 movies.
3 Someone has to pick on Greedo.
2 Cool nicknames for the writers like Nimrod, Marblehead, Toasy
and Dark Hybrid
1 It sucks.
Happy Birthday CreatureCantina.com!!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-3-02 12:01am
You know, I'm one lucky man. CC.com
was founded on 4/1. My wife's birthday is on 4/2. I'll never
forget Lynda's birthday again!! Woohoo!!!
So here we are... one year later... about
52 updates in the can. I'd like to think we've brought some smiles
to some faces. I'd like to think we've brightened a few days.
I'd like to think we've become the bane of SirSteve's existence.
And I think I'd be right on most accounts.
But we'd be nothing without our loyal readers!
One day I think your ranks will swell to the level where advertisers
will pay money for banner ads here and I can quit my day job.
That's probably a long ways off. So in the mean time, we have
to work to retain our current readership. So how about some BRIBES!!!
You heard right... CC.com is celebrating
our birthday by giving YOU presents!! That's right! We're giving
gifts to you! Now that's not saying we won't accept gifts from
you (E-mail me privately for shipping information)... just that
we love you guys and appreciate your patronage. So what sort
of cool swag have we dug up??
First Prize: A "Cable Original" Portrait Series drawing!! MSRP $50!
Character to be determined later. Suggestions accepted, but I
make the final call. And no, you can't have Amidala in her sexy
skin-tight white outfit unless you're paying for it...
Second Prize: A POTF2
R2-D2 wit Holographic Leia proof card!! MSRP $35!! This is an
unused backing card obtained directly from a reliable Hasbro
source! Click the thumbnail for a full-sized image!
Third Prize: A "CreatureCantina.com SUCKS!" T-shirt from CafePress.com!
MSRP $19! Click
on this link to view the shirt or to order one for yourself!!
 Fourth Prize: An
Episode 1 Jar Jar Binks proof card!! MSRP $25!! Another unused
backing card obtained directly from a reliable Hasbro source!
Click the thumbnail for a full-sized image!
So what do you have to do to enter? I thought
of asking people to E-mail me with headline ideas, and choosing
the best entries as the winners. Then I thought, "we'd end
up getting about 7 entries... the lazy bastards." Then I
thought of simply asking people to E-mail me. Then I thought,
"we'll end up getting 12 entries... the lazy bastards."
So I finally decided to take out ALL the initiative and put together
an on-line form. You don't even need to go to another page! Just
fill out the form below. One entry per person, please! Multiple
entries will be deleted, and perpetrators will be hunted down
and ritualistically sodomized. CC.com staffers are not eligible
for sodomization (Sorry, Nimrod!).
Once you're done entering, be sure to come
back here and read the anniversary update! It's friggin' HUGE!!!
The entire page is new... all the way to the bottom!!! If you
can't get through all of it in one sitting, bookmark us and come
back later! Every word... every character is like ambrosia! You
don't want to skip a syllable!!
Here's your official entry form:
Since we've already given LFL ample reason to sue us...
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-10-02 12:01am
Why not post a link to some pages
from the forthcoming "Episode 2 Visual Dictionary??"
Be warned there may be SPOILERS scattered throughout these pages!!
http://www.chicken-vs-the-egg.cc/
The one comic I thought I'd never draw...
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-10-02 12:01am
There are a couple basic gags that
have run through my series of comics. Today, I violate one of
those! Some ideas are too funny to pass up even if it means destroying
everything you've created to date... So what happens today that
never happened before (and may never happen again...)? Find out
in this week's "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!
Famed bounty hunter's former life exposed!!!
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 4-10-02 12:01am
WARNING: SPOILERS!!!
Dangerous..elusive..unclean? Dirty
little secrets of the deadly diva, Zam Wesell, have surfaced
as of late. It seems as if in Wesell's pre-bounty hunter days,
she served as a "fantasy escort" in Mos Eisley. Being
the equivalent of a intergalactic truck stop, Wesell's "services"
were a hot commodity at the wretched hive of scum and villainy
that was the Mos Eisley cantina. Wesell put her clawdite attributes
to good use, needless to say. One Cantina patron, Bo Shek, was
quoted saying Zam was "anything and everything". Shek
also went into graphic detail, which I will save for my book.
"He..she..it....IT was never a bother
to me..a paying customer like the rest." says former cantina
bartender, Wuher, of Planet Naboo. "Funny thing is..I swear
a saw a bearded man..a 2 ft tall Ewok..and I don't know what
else..wearing the same getup as her! An underground cult perhaps?".
I quickly clued Wuher and Jango Fett, who was enjoying a blue
milkshake at the time, of Zam's dark past.
"A HORSE ? A PILLOW ! A BLENDER !
WHO DREAMS OF DOING IT WITH A BLENDER !" exclaimed Jango
Fett, in a fit of rage. It was quite moving to see something
so revolting move even a hardened bounty hunter, such as Jango
Fett himself. Upon further review, Zam Wesell has been able to
elude guardsmen everywhere, due to her Clawdite shape shifting
abilities. Of the 7 times recorded that she was caught, by undercover
Stormtroopers nonetheless, she was prost..I mean..prosecuted
only 4 times. What swayed the high courts decision..her stunning
beauty..her mystic..the fact that she could probably shapeshift
herself into a sail barge cannon and literally blow away the
entire courtroom? Who is to say. What can be said is Zam Wesell
is more than a notorious bounty hunter..she's a loaded cannon..a
beastly man..and anything else your mind can conjure up.
END SPOILERS
Anniversary Contest Continued!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-10-02 12:01am
You know what... I'm a nitwit.
In all the work and planning I did for last week's update...
creating the contest database, programming the form, formatting
and posting a dozen new stories, sending press releases to web
sites all over God's green earth... I forgot to do one stupid
thing. In my give-away description I forgot to mention the deadline!!!
GHHHHAAA!!!
So to keep from being sued, we're gonna
have to run this bugger for another week. One entry per person!
The entry deadline is Tuesday, April 16th at 7:00pm EDT. Hear
that??? Next Tuesday!! There... I said it! Now just try and sue
me you greedy mother-effers!! It's not like we have a stack of
these JarJar proofs sitting around!!!
Here's the form, again. Scroll down to
the last story to see the prizes. And good luck!!!!
**Contact information will only
be used for this contest, and will not be sold or distributed
to any other entity for any purpose.**
A note from toasty...
Posted by: toasty 4-10-02 12:01am
Wow! Talk about an anniversary
blow-out! First, I have never seen that much midget sex! I'd
like to thank everyone who made the anniversary such a big deal
– Bill Cable. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'd also like
to thank all the sites for plugging Creature Cantina's 1st birthday,
including NewsAskew.com,
ArtoosNews.com, DeathStarPlans.com,
Sandtroopers.com,
Yakface.com, TheJawa.com,
KennerToys.com (the
actual list is like 2 websites, all ran by midgets *bad joke*).
I'd also like to thank Philip, Dustin, and all the other folks
at Rebelscum. Basically
for putting up with my continual razzing!
Next, allow me to address my first
complaint email. It would appear that not everyone at Rebelscum
is such a good sport. YES! One "J.B." writes:
Guy, you are talking utter sh*t.
Remove the post immediately. It is slanderous and defamatory.
If you really believed anything you had written then you'd know
that the consequences for you would be dire. Since you aren't
worried about the repercussions, then you don't believe your
own words. Which makes you a liar and an antagonist in the Star
Wars community. Star Wars fans and collectors don't need people
like you.
Sincerely,
*BIG CRY BABY*
Admin, Rebelscum.com
Yeah, it's really that funny. Why the hell
would someone write me to complain? Oh, I guess it's so that
I can continue to mock and screw with their head! Apparently,
I am a "liar and antagonist" in the Star Wars community.
Well, guess what J.B.?
YOU SIR, ARE A TIGHT-SPHINCTERED TEA SIPPER!!!
There. I said it. We here at the Creature
Cantina have the right given by our forefathers (who chased out
your forefathers in the process) via the first amendment to mock
and blast whomever we see fit. God bless the US! Please read
the following definition, and stop taking this all so seriously.
Remember: it's only plastic and cardboard. That's all it is.
It won't get you laid, and it certainly doesn't make me like
you.
sat·ire (s t  r )
noun
- A literary work in which human vice or
folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
- The branch of literature constituting
such works. See Synonyms at caricature.
- Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to
attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
"Anniversary Reflection"
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 4-10-02 12:01am
So our big anniversary has come and gone, another year under
our belts.
So many stories beaten out of us, we can show your our welts!
Han and Chewie in love, A sterile Anakin too boot.
Our stories may have been crappy, but writing them was a hoot!
From satirical comic strips to video leaks, you heard it here
first.
Dare I say that Bill's contributions always turn out to be the
worst?
A sick sense of humor..tons of free time..and a Star Wars geek
intellect.
These, traits of a Creature Cantina writer, of which you have
come to respect.
You may say Creature Cantina.com sucks..you can even label us
queer..
Spoofier..sicker..wittier and funnier..we might just make it
another year!!
Thanks to all the creaturecantina.com writers,
readers, and groupies. We love you all..keep on keepin' on!!
$10 off at Amazon from EssentialComics.com!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-10-02 12:01am
Our good friends at EssentialComics.com
wanna give you $10!! If you haven't already ordered the AT-ST
(Endor Vehicles Set) or eitther of the Simpsons Exclusives (or
anything else) now is your chance.
Go to http://www.the21mall.com/camera.htm
and click the Amazon Camera/Photo banner you'll link to the Camera
section but from there you can shop all of Amazon.
At check out enter these 2 codes:
905513
MAPMCEXCLUS2
They are each good for $5.00.
A Retraction...
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-10-02 12:01am
As all of our regular readers know,
CreatureCantina.com is a parody news site. Occasionally we post
real, legitimate news, but 9 time out of 10 our stories are complete
fabrications. Take the story last week about RebelScum taking
over the Internet. My inspiration for that story was a rumor
I heard while in a chatroom. Toasty asked if I had any suggestions
for his piece in the Anniversary update, and I told him to run
with the rumor.
So this story is posted... Our anniversary
is plugged EVERYWHERE... we get 2000 unique visitors in 3 days...
and SOMEONE decided that of all 12 stories in our anniversary
update, the RebelScum article was true. Who was that someone?
None other than my arch-nemesis... SirSteve!! That's right...
the webmaster so beloved that he's scared to reveal his own name.
And what did SirSteve do after reading
my article? In a raging panic he started a new thread in his
forums contemplating whether any fan site should become the "official"
site. I guess he was scared that Phil would be sending a C&D
his way first. And this got many of SS's blind denizens in tizzy...
and a huge thread of RebelScum bashing ensued. If you want to
read some hilarious rantings by the panicked masses, check out
this thread...
http://www.sirstevesguide.com/forums/...&threadid=5822
All that venom. All that backstabbing.
All that writhing agony. All over a silly, fictitious story.
It's friggin' hilarious when you sit down and think about it.
Way to go SirSteve!!!
Beedo Sookcool is a genius!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-17-02 12:01am
Time to wrap up our weekly update,
and it's just as sweet as a "Happy Ending" sundae at
Friendly's. Beedo came up with a good one this week! So what
better way to cleanse the palette than by ingesting this week's
edition of "The Cantina"
Comic Strip???!!!!
MORE ILLEGAL IMAGES???
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-17-02 12:01am
The little clucker decided to post
some more images from the forthcoming "Episode 2 Visual
Dictionary." Enjoy!! Be warned there may be SPOILERS scattered
throughout these pages!!
http://www.chicken-vs-the-egg.cc/
What a Wicked Web He Weaves?
Posted by: Darth Paul 4-17-02 12:01am
EP II SPOILERS
Ok, so this is my first rant here
on good ole Creature Cantina, but I just had to bring it up,
since it disturbs me so. Has anyone else noticed the sick &
twisted familial ties Uncle Georgie incorporates into his beloved
movies?? Let's start at the beginning?.
Shmi Skywalker gives birth to Anakin. Shmi
then remarries Cliegg Lars, who has a son Owen. This makes Owen
Anakin's stepbrother. Anakin then marries Padme Amidala Naberrie
and produce 2 of their own children Luke & Leia. Owen Lars
eventually marries Beru Whitesun, who goes on to raise Anakin
& Padme's son Luke. Meanwhile Leia is being raised by Bail
Organa on Alderaan, making him her foster father. Then you've
got Obi-Wan who was Anakin's master (& only father figure),
who then decides to take Luke, Anakin's son, as his apprentice.
Then you've got Jango Fett who is cloned to create Boba Fett,
and a whole army of Clones!!!! So in other words, by the time
we're introduced to Boba Fett in Empire Strikes Back, there's
about a million (or more) of Boba Fett's brothers out there populating
the universe!! I mean clones are people too you know, they've
got their desires and needs I'm sure. Who knows maybe Han Solo
is the offspring of a clone & a normal human, making him
Boba Fett's half-clone / half-human stepbrother!!!!
Is this nuts or what? And we've still got
another movie in the prequel trilogy to go, God only knows who
is related to whom after Episode III. Did George have some family
problems we all are unaware of? Maybe Uncle George should visit
a shrink and work out whatever problems he had with Mommy &
Daddy.
Just my buck & a quarter.
END SPOILERS
Top 10 Ways to Kill Time 'til AOTC on May 16th
Posted by: Big_E 4-17-02 12:01am
10. Worry endlessly that Lucas will put N'Stink back in.
9. Spend large sums of $$ on Hasbro figures.
8. Bash Sir Steve....some more.
7. Sit in line with other geeks.
6. Scour the Internet for sexy pictures of Natalie Portman.
5. Eat General Mills serial to get the prize inside.
4. Contemplate RebelScum's takeover of the Internet.
3. Screw Episode II, I'm going to see Jason X.
2. Write Top 10 lists for web site that sucks.
1. One word: Spiderman.
THEY are the Champions!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-17-02 12:01am
Greetings and salutations Cantina
lovers! I'm proud and excited to announce the winners of the
CreatureCantina.com 1-year anniversary contest. Let's see...
I think I'll announce them in reverse order to build up the suspense....
The winner of Fourth Prize... a spectacular, minty
Episode 1 Jar Jar proof card is.... William Brantley
of Charlotte, NC!!! I hope this satisfies your Jar Jar fetish.
"Oh, Jar-Jar, everyone hates you, but me!"
Third Prize... an official "CreatureCantina.com
SUCKS!" T-shirt... goes to none other than... Mike Murphy
of Lewistown, PA! Yaaaayy MIKE! You'll be pimping my site in
no time!!
Now we're getting to the biggies... and the biggest
Hasbro-produced prize is next. This is it... the proof card of
the most famously difficult-to-get character in POTF2 history
(at least until they started to really pump them out... remember
when these suckers were fetching like $300 on eBay??? Ah... those
were the days. I wish I coulda found one of those back then.
Especially if it was one of the recalled round foot pin... those
buggers were hitting like $3 Grand! You know what I coulda done
with $3,000?? I wonder if they're worth anything at all on eBay
anymore...): R2-D2 with Holographic Leia! This proof card
comes in dashing green with California emissions... a Prize Package
worth $35! And the winner of Second Prize is... Jill Pesansky
of Sugarloaf, PA!!! Come On Down!!!
HOLY CRAP - a GIRL reads this site??!!!
What's this world coming to????
And finally, we get to award the final
prize... la creme de la creme... the big jackpot... bling bling...
yes, the uber-award: FIRST PRIZE!! First prize is a "Cable Original" Portrait
Series drawing of a character to
be determined later. I'll be doing this drawing as soon as I
finish the re-draw on that Zuckuss. So it's on deck. I hope that
doesn't piss off all the people who have already paid for their
"Cable Originals" and are waiting
patiently for me to finish them. But hell, what's an extra 6
weeks?? It's ART!!
So I guess I should just spit out the winner,
huh? OK then... the winner of the "Cable Original"
drawing is... Oliver
Clozov from Intercourse, Pennsylvania!!
Congratulations Oliver! And congratulations to ALL of our winners,
and... wait a minute... you say that was a gag entry? Wha?? Sound
it out? Oliver Clo... All of her clothes... I GET IT!! That's
FUNNY!!
Well crap, I guess I'm just going to have
to pick another winner. And that would be Kevin Ficek
of Champaign, IL!!!! Time to break out the bubbly, Kevin! I'll
be E-mailing you shortly to talk characters for the drawing.
So those are the results! Congratulations
to all our winners! We received 105 valid entries which is just
fan-friggin'-tastic! Thank you to everyone who entered, and a
special thanks to all our regular readers!! CreatureCantina.com
wouldn't have made it to one year without you!!!
Won't these droids ever learn???
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-24-02 12:01am
Yet another droid stumbles into
the place he's least welcome. Not since a Bespin side room has
a structure been less accommodating of the galaxy's silicon-based
citizens. Read all about it in this week's "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!
PlaySkool Wave 2 for CHEAP!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-24-02 12:01am
Wanna see the ugliest, least-functional
on-line comic store on the Internet? Then check out EssentialComics.com!!!
But don't let the stark blue background and yellow and white
text scare you away... there's actually a good reason to visit
the place! They're special this month is the next 4 PlaySkool
playsets... Hoth, Endor, Geonosia and the Millenium Falcon! And
each set is priced well below MSRP. $8.25 for the first 3, and
$24.75 for the Falcon. You can't beat this deal!! Check out the
new PlaySkool packs right away!!
http://www.essentialcomics.com/special.htm
We want to see THE WORST of C2!
Posted by: toasty 4-24-02 12:01am
Here we go, kiddies! Celebration
2 is right around the corner! We know there will be costumed
fan-boys and fan-girls running around, so we here at Creature
Cantina have a little contest! We call it "The Worst Contest!"
Show us the very worst from C2! We want to see the Slave Leias
that don't look like Leia... or women for that matter! We want
to see the very worst you saw! And don't think we won't reward
you for your efforts! We'll post more details next week and give
a sneak peak at the prizes we have in store.
Remember: if it looks like crap, we'll give you crap! :-)
The frantic hunt for FIGURES WITH BACKDROPS!
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 4-24-02 12:01am
As a testament to the undying spirit
and drive of the "variant" collector, there is a new
drug fueling these new wave Star Wars figure collectors and completists,
and it's hotter than a junkies spoon. Grandmothers with grand
kids, fathers with sons, Asians with Puerto Ricans, this was
sure to be a great showing of hospitality and unity amongst Star
Wars collectors nationwide. However, some shocking revelations
were discovered in this festive, turned tumultuous treasure hunt.
"No! You're looking for the ones WITH
the background you mindless cretin!" exclaimed a crazed
Star Wars collector at his younger sibling. As I was passing
by, these sentiments were the most kindred spoken at my local
Wal*Mart amongst the rash of eager collectors. Backgrounds. Scenic
cardboard cards. Miniscule backdrops. Call them what you will,
but little did I know, they were to start a riot. As I cautiously
thumbed through the latest selection on a late night Wal*Mart
run, much like a pack of hungry wolves a SLEW of people, clad
in role playing battle armor stormed the toy section shouting
"Get the one with the backgrounds, get the ones with the
f****** backgrounds!".
I was then nearly trampled by a fellow
collector with, dirty hair, colored socks without shoes, wearing
soiled athletic shorts and a shirt that read "General Madine
in '04". As he removed his spectacles and wiped his brow,
he spoke to me. "The BACKGROUNDS are RARE, man!". Described
simply as an error packaging variant, unintentionally performed
by Hasbro's production plants, Hasbro seemingly pumped out tons
of first wave AOTC figures that contained background cards inside
the bubbles. These background cards were character and outfit
scene specific. The crazed collector showed me examples of both
figures with and without backgrounds. Was this unintentional?
A marketing ploy? Perhaps a intentional marketing ploy? Who shot
J.R.? Is it live or Memorex? These questions baffled "professional"
collectors worldwide. "They are RARE!" says Comic Book
Guy, of the "Androids Dungeon" comic book shop in Springfield.
"I was lucky enough to obtain 14 MINT cases of these backdrop-ed
beauties, and they have been selling like Xena shirts."
As I turned to find my car, the televisions
in the window of a local pawn shop were all turned to a station
showing NBC weatherman, Al Roeker, in front of a Wal*Mart in
Wisconsin. "COMPLETE and UTTER FAN-DEMONIUM here in Wisconsin!
Fans are risking life and LIMB to find these so called "variant"
packaged figures from the new Star Wars line, Attack of the Clones!".
As EMT's and ambulances blazed across the television screen,
shots from inside the building were flickering on and off. Images
of children wielding lightsabers, striking down adult collectors,
grandmothers tempting hoarders with shopping carts full of figures,
with her "homemade cookies." Humanity and pride were
all but lost at this point. Some figures with the background
have been auctioned off at Southerby's and Tiffanies for more
than $4,000 with an AFA Grade of 9.5. Is this going to lead to
the perpetual downfall of the collecting society, or will it
fall in the toy history archives like Furby, Shelby, and Robo
Chi? The world will just have to wait and see.
Episode II Backdrop Inserts - Not Rare!!!
Posted by: Big_E 4-24-02 12:01am
As the Episode II toys are hitting
store shelves around the nation, fans everywhere have been finding
figures both with and without backdrops inserted in the bubble.
These backdrops are separate from the card
art and show generic scenes that could be from the movie, Attack
of the Clones. For example, the Tusken Raider Female has a backdrop
of a hut in the desert.
But, by some twist (some might call it
twisted) of marketing, Hasbro has left some figures without backdrops
(henceforth known as non-backdrop figures) . Having seen many
figures on shelves with the backdrop as well as hearing stories
and reports on-line of people finding figures with backdrops,
it makes it almost obvious that the non-backdrop figures are
the short packed variation.
I don't doubt that soon we'll see auctions
on eBay for the variants, and collectors will be looking to complete
their set of non-backdrop figures.
It's uncertain yet if the future waves
of figures will have shortpacked, non-backdrop figures mixed
in with the assortments or if this was a one-time deal for the
debut of the toys on April 23rd.
So, get out there, check your figs, check
the stores, and grab up those non-backdrop figures now before
they are gone, swallowed up by scalpers and horders.
Nimrod getting that special feeling...
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 4-24-02 12:01am
The figures were just released.
The movie is less than a month away. Celebration2 starts in 9
days. It's a wonderful time in the universe, and Nimrod tells
you all about it in the latest "The
Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!!"
Comics Comics Comics!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-1-02 12:01am
All this crap going on with C2,
and I still took the time to do this week's comic. You better
damn well enjoy it! Speaking of C2, be sure to stop by the PSWCS table in the Fan Club room!
Say hello to all the friendly PSWCS
members. And if you're lucky you might even drop by while I'm
there! But photos of me don't count in THE WORST CONTEST. Until
then, enjoy this week's edition of "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!
Nimrod's going to INDIANA!!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 5-1-02 12:01am
Hide the women and children...
the Nimrod is on the move! Prepare for a geekgasm as Ric dwells
upon the coming Star Wars events in the latest "The
Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!"
More on THE WORST CONTEST!!
Posted by: toasty 5-1-02 12:01am
Last week we introduced the idea
of the THE WORST CONTEST...
That's right, Creature Cantina is having a contest: THE WORST
CONTEST! We want to see the worst that you see at C2! Send us
the 'manly' Princess Leia's! The dog-faced Amidala's! The 400
pound Biker Scouts! The geeks, the nerds - whatever you see!
Mail all the pictures to contest@creaturecantina.com.
The Mighty Nimrod will be judging the contest (kinda like taking
one for the home team).
REMEMBER: You give us crap, we'll give
you crap!
We've started to grub for prizes, and so
far we have an EPII Jango Fett with backdrop insert and a copy
of the Star Ballz DVD! And that's just the beginning! So keep
those cameras at the ready!!
Top 10 Fun Things to do at Celebration II
Posted by: Big_E 5-1-02 12:01am
10 Ask Carrie Fisher if she'll wear the "bikini" one more time.
9 Bid obscene amount at collectables auction, try to pay in Republic
Credits.
8 Open several Celebration Jorg Sacul figures in front of horrified
would-be scalpers.
7 Dress up as a Klingon, insult and start fights with Jedi and
Stormtroopers.
6 Try to impress girls with the size of your action figure collection.
5 Taunt Sir Steve with box full of Toy Fair Vaders.
4 Run a club table.
3 Dress up as George Lucas, tell people to skip Star Wars and
go see Spider-Man.
2 Tell Michonne Bourriague and Shannon Baksa you're with "Girls
Gone Wild," see if you can get a peek.
1 Ask Billy Dee to sign your Colt 45 bottle.
Programming note...
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-8-02 12:01am
Yes, this week's update is pretty
small. We're working on a HUGE one for next week... including
tons of photos and "CreatureCantina.com SUCKS" images.
We did FANTASTIC at the show. Props to Nim for getting his hands
on a press pass!! Here's a little teaser of what to expect next
week.
click to enlarge
If you have any CC.com SUX photos to submit,
please send them to cable@creaturecantina.com.
Thanks!!!
I'm not as lazy as I could have been!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-8-02 12:01am
I worked my ass off getting ready
for C2. I had every reason to slack on this week's comic. And
maybe I did... a little. But I still did what it took to bring
you this week's edition of "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!
Nimrod staggers back from Indiana...
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 5-8-02 12:01am
The Mighty Nimrod was very busy
at the celebration and has MUCH to say. Unfortunately it is finals
week + Graduation week SO look for an update next week INCLUDING
a slew of new CELEBRITY PIX a C2 review and a 2 days and counting
Clones statement. ALSO keep those worst of C2 pix coming in,
entries are due by next week. PEACE OUT!
Newest (sort of) "Cable Original" revealed!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-8-02 12:01am
Our loyal readers already know
the tragic story of the Zuckuss drawing. This beautiful, perfectly
serviceable
rendition of our favorite Gand was brutally REJECTED
by his new owner. So your favorite artist had to literally go
back to the drawing board and create a new image that more closely
approached the wishes of the man who gave me 50 bucks for it.
As of today, this drawing (click
on thumbnail) will be forever stricken
from the records of the "Cable Original" Gallery and
replace by the new image. Check out the replacement in the "Cable Original" Art Gallery!!!
WORST CONTEST request for entries!!
Posted by: toasty 5-8-02 12:01am
Celebration 2 has come and gone.
Now it's time for you people to send in your "The Worst
of Celebration 2" photographs. Mail all the pictures to
contest@creaturecantina.com.
The Mighty Nimrod will pick the winners.
Our prizes include an EPII Jango Fett with
backdrop insert, a copy of the Star Ballz DVD (must be 21 to
win this prize), and a certain special exclusive item you could
only get in Indiana this past weekend! So send in your photos
ASAP! All photos must be received by 12:01am on 5/16/02!!! Winners
will be announced in the 5/22 update.
PS: Captions are ENCOURAGED!!
Rick McCallum - Digital PIMP
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-8-02 12:01am
The only phrase heard more often
this weekend than "May the Force be with you" was "Call
your local theater and demand a digital projector!!!" And
the man saying it most was uber-producer Rick McCallum. The basic
premise is that theaters don't realize their patrons want the
best experience possible, and if this was revealed to them they'd
press on the studios harder to provide them with digital projectors.
Studios are stonewalling theaters claiming patrons couldn't care
less one way or the other. Rick wants the fans to call theater
owners and let them know the real deal, giving them the ammo
they need to force the studios into action.
I was listening to all of this thinking,
"You big whore... you know Lucas stands to make a billion
dollars if these digital systems become the norm. Save all your
'best experience possible' BS for the goobers and let us FANATICS
know the real deal. If LFL wants 'studios' to buy projectors
for all these theaters, why isn't FOX handing them out left and
right?"
But then I went to the screening of 8 minutes
of digital E2 footage. We were in this very cheesy auditorium
with light streaming through all sorts of doorways and windows...
barely dark enough to prevent you from reading a newspaper. The
screen was maybe 25 feet wide. We were sitting on a flat floor
in folding chairs... no stadium seating or cup holders. And it
was the most stunning audio-visual experience I've ever absorbed.
Take your highest-quality DVD on the best HDTV in production...
the picture was 1000 times sharper. It was better than photographic.
The picture was simply beyond description. The ships and landscapes
benefited most from this format... they were virtually 3D. Every
image was crisp and perfect. I was converted. In the immortal
words of Mr. McCallum himself... "Holy f#ck!"
I'm gonna road trip to New Jersey sometime
in mid-June to catch E2 in digital sometime in June. I suggest
EVERYONE who has this within their means to make the effort.
Words cannot describe the difference... the enhancements will
floor you. And call your local theater manager to tell him you
want digital. Let's hope EVERYONE can see E3 this way!!
Palpatine to open "Siths "R" Us" in Cloud City
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 5-15-02 12:01am
Dark Overlord of the Sith, one
Emperor Palpatine, has announced the grand opening of the worlds
largest Sith Lord supply store in the galaxy, Siths "R"
Us! "This store will service all those Sith Lords who wish
to slay in style, with brand name designer cloaks and weaponry!".
"A wide assortment of cloaks, lightsabers, and novelty items,
will be widely available in the new Siths "R" Us retail
chain by the end of the project", says CEO, Garth Mall.
After Palpatine's successful "force" out of toy store
giant, Toys "R" Us, "Siths" has full control
as well as use of the "r Us" moniker, likenesses, and
anything ever associated with the now defunct TRU Inc. A grand
opening celebration is going to be held at the Planet Naboo location
in Cloud City. Refreshments are to be provided by McQuarries
of Cloud City, with door prizes such as authenticated lightsabers
of dead Jedi, provided by the Sith Lords themselves.
A promising business is to be found in
this new venture, "Siths "R" Us. Not only do I
like the store, I got a job there...
Top 10 Fun Things Seen at Celebration II
Posted by: Big_E 5-15-02 12:01am
| 10. |
This girl |
 |
| 9. |
From Bricks to Bothans fan club table. |
 |
| 8. |
Jedi Starfighter movie prop |
 |
| 7. |
Billy Dee Williams signing |
 |
| 6. |
14' tall Yoda |
 |
| 5. |
Jedi Joe |
 |
| 4. |
Jango is SO money |
 |
| 3. |
Let the Clone Wars begin |
 |
| 2. |
PSWCS fan club booth (of course!) |
 |
| 1. |
Lines, crowds and SW everywhere! |
 |
Yes yes yes... I didn't forget the damn comic...
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-15-02 12:01am
You know... instead of requesting
people send in their comic ideas, I'm to the point of asking
people to send in their comic INTRODUCTION ideas. I'm scraping
the bottom of the barrel in these paragraphs drawing you in to
my latest work (as can plainly be seen). Just go read this week
"The Cantina"
Comic Strip!!
Nimrod is ready to BURST AT THE SEAMS!!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 5-15-02 12:01am
As you read this, there is 24 hours
or fewer until the Mighty Nimrod will have his ass planted in
a cushy seat at the digital theater in Cleveland. It's a good
thing, since he's still sore after the exhausting joy of Celebration2.
Read all about it in this edition of "The
Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!!"
Nimrod SLACKS on his contest duties!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 5-15-02 12:01am
The Mighty Nimrod has decided to
keep the WORST of C2 contest open another week. Keep those pictures
of freaks, geeks and ugly people coming in. Submit to contest@creaturecantina.com.
All photos must be received by 12:01am on 5/23/02!!! Winners
will be announced in the 5/29 update. The winner gets some great
stuff... tell 'em what they will win Bill:
Top 3 prizes:
- Star Ballz on DVD (must be 21 to win this
prize)
- EPII Jango Fett with backdrop insert
- CelebrationII official program
Wow... we really must suck!
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-15-02 12:01am
After all... 16 different world-famous
Star Wars Celebrities can't ALL be wrong!! I'm proud to present
the largest update EVER of the CratureCantina.com
SUCKS! Celebrity Gallery. Major props to Nimrod for scoring
a press pass and walking around unhindered to all these unsuspecting
individuals to immortalize them on film. We've got Top Brass
Imperials. We've got ill-fated Rebel Pilots. We've got sexy dancers.
We've got sexy Jedi chicks. These photos are just jaw-droppingly
cool! See them all at Cantina
Celebrities!!!
Darth Paul Reviews AOTC!!
Posted by: Darth Paul 5-15-02 12:01am
I Have Seen the Light & It's
Called SW EPII: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (Possible Lite Spoilers)
Ok, so I'm still trying to come down off
of the high I got on Sunday night May 12th. I was lucky enough
to be one of the people to attend the Charity Premiere of EPII
here in Philadelphia. So what was so great about this you ask?
Well, first and foremost we raised money for the Children's Hospital
of Philadelphia Fetal Heart Program, a damn worthy charity (in
my own opinion). Second, as a part of the local 501st
Legion Garrison we got to hang out with the Stars of the
OT!!! We were hangin' with Chewie (Peter Mayhew), R2 (Kenny Baker),
Darth Vader (David Prowse), and Boba Fett (Jeremy Bulloch), who
the MC kept calling Bubba Fett, which I thought was quite humorous.
Third, we got to see the FREAKIN' MOVIE!!!!!!
On to the review. This movie is definitely
not The Phantom Menace, not that I disliked TPM, but after seeing
EP II, TPM pales in comparison, actually I think most, if not
all, of the other SW movies pale in comparison to Attack of the
Clones. GASP!! Sacrilege you say! This movie is action packed
from start to finish.
Click
here to read the rest of the review!!!
Oh yeah... a matter of fairness...
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-22-02 12:01am
It would be awfully hypocritical
of us to make fun of all these funny-looking people this week
without showing you some of the funny-looking people who work
here! I hope you enjoy all these staff photos taken at Celebration
2! I got all the guys who attended except Stofer. And there's
no photo of me, but if you don't know what I look like yet you're
simply not trying hard enough. Hint... check the PSWCS
site.
What's this down here? A comic strip???
Posted by: Bill Cable 5-22-02 12:01am
Why, it IS a comic strip. A damn
funny one at that... almost as funny as the name of the guy who
sent me the idea! At least I think it's who I think it is...
I don't know any other Star Wars collectors named after the protagonist
of Grease. But enough of that... head on over and read this week's
"The Cantina"
Comic Strip!!!!
The Mighty Nimrod reviews EPISODE 2!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 5-22-02 12:01am
After a week of absorbing the latest
Star Wars film and five viewings, Nimrod is ready to share his
thoughts on Attack of the Clones. Hide the women and children...
then read this edition of "The
Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!"
THE BRADY'S GET A NEW HOUSEKEEPER
Posted by: Darth Paul 5-22-02 12:01am
Here's a story of a man named Brady..............
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