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Short ASS is better than no ASS...
Posted by: Marblehead 1-9-02 12:01am
CreatureCantina.com is honored
to have an embittered, laid-off former Hasbro employee on our
payroll, ready at your beck and call to answer any question you
can think to pose. Don't deny yourself the joy of seeing Scott
clear out his mailbox in this edition of "Ask
Scott Something!!"
WANTED: Industry Snitches
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-9-02 12:01am
As everyone knows, last week the
two biggest Star Wars collecting news sites merged into CollectScum.com.
As we take one step closer to reading THE news on THE site, we
at CreatureCantina.com are ready to take up arms and fight the
power! Thing is, we don't know nobody that knows anything.
If you'd like your industry insider news, previews, or photos
to be plastered all over the UN-scum COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY,
send me an E-mail!
We're ready to believe you!
Jar Jar calls out "Beat the Geeks!"
Posted by: Nite Stocker 1-16-02 12:01am
A recent episode of Comedy Central's
new game show entitled, "Beat The Geeks" shot an arrow
through the heart of one Jar Jar Binks. Binks, a self proclaimed
"likable guy", has decided to take legal action against
"The Movie Geek". In a recent episode, Mr. Movie Geek,
whose clever segues always bring forth a chuckle, struck a chord
in one particular Gungan outcast. "Meesa tinks, JAR JAR
STINKS!!" was the direct quote uttered by the movie genre
master. Jar Jar, as quoted by his lawyer was, "upset by
the blatant defamation of his character and vernacular. Mr. Binks
would also like to add he bathes daily."
Close friend and swamp rat, Shrek, had
this to say. "Ey, Jar Jar might be a lit'l clumsy, but he
is well groomed. Heck, I'm tha one who bathes in MUD!" Apparently
Jar Jar is not familiar with the English vernacular, as we all
know "stinks" just shows dissaproval. Now, if we were
to say he "****s ***" or is a "****ing ****-****er",
we'd have Captain Tarpals on our tales. The first hearing is
set for next week, meanwhile "Beat The Geeks" can be
seen on Comedy Central every weeknight, it rocks!
Another Cantina comic.
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-16-02 12:01am
I'm trying to keep all my comics
set in the galaxy's most putrid drinking establishment (excepting
Cleveland Browns Stadium), but sometimes it's tough. Can I continue
to abide by my goal? Find out in this week's "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!
Rantings of a raving lunatic - by toasty
Posted by: toasty 1-16-02 12:01am
Our newest contributor at CC.com
has his own feature... the stream-of-conscious rantings of a
coked-up paranoid schitzo. Enjoy the visions and delusions...
Princess Leia admits herself to the Betty
Ford clinic "Too much partying on Endor" sources claim.
Rick McCallum states 'Attack of the Clones'
is "The best f***ing Star Wars movie EVER!".
Rebelscum buys CollectStarWars.com, Phillip
Wise quoted saying "The circle is now complete." Rumor
has it that he has his sites set on Creature Cantina next....
Eager fans line up for Episode III. "We'll
get in Guiness, even if we don't work, shower, or have sex for
3 1/2 years!"
N-Sync dropped from Episode II; Lucas states
"I'm really more of a Backstreet fan!"
 SPY
REPORT: Our spy at Lucasfilm (who only used the initials "G.L."
sent in a look at the new Clonetrooper figure that will included
in a special "Happy Meal"!
Episode III plot reveiled: Anakin becomes
Darth Vader, all the Jedi are wiped out, except for Obi-Wan and
Yoda!
Reader poll: If there were Star Wars underoos
in your size, would you wear them? (Ladies, please send pictures
to toasty@creaturecantina.com)
SPY REPORT: Since Pepsi has pulled out
of Episode II, George Lucas has struck a lucrative deal with
the Royal Crown Company! "I've always liked RC cola anyway.
I'm too cheap to buy brand-name soda."
And that's it for this week!
Nimrod's COOLEST movie list continues!!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 1-16-02 12:01am
You know, if N'Sync makes it into
E2, there might just be a SW movie rated lower than E1 in my
top 100 list. But that is the future... focus on the here-and-now.
And the here and now are my movies ranked 50-26! See my justifications
in this editon of "The
Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!"
LucasFilm Licensing Slicks - For Sale!
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-16-02 12:01am
After weeks of begging other sites
to post a link to our Licensing Slick FS page, and failing miserably,
Ed and I finally decided to just dump the thing here. I guess
it's better than nothing. Crappy humor site...
But anyway... you've read the history.
You've seen the images. Are you ready for... the PRICES??!!!
We've posted them and priced them, and now they're ready for
your consumption. Don't miss you chance to obtain a piece of
Star Wars history! And these puppies are priced to move! Get
them before they're gone!!!
RARE LucasFilm Licensing Sheets!
Ask Scott Something - PLEASE!!!
Posted by: Marblehead 1-16-02 12:01am
Scott, our expert disgruntled former
Hasbro employee and resident Q&A letter columnist, is brimming
with energy! He's ready to answer any of your collection queries.
The problem is, he doesn't have any questions in his mailbox
awaiting answers! So I ask you to Ask Scott Something! Help contribute
to the funniest feature at CreatureCantina.com. You can E-mail
your question to marblehead@creaturecantina.com.
And he REALLY IS a former Hasbro employee, so he REALLY
CAN answer your questions!!
Lucasfilm Missing Marketing Opportunity
Posted by: Big_E 1-23-02 12:01am
On January 8th a federal judge
overturned an injunction that had placed a ban on the sale of
an anime porn movie called "Star Ballz." Lucasfilm
had won the injunction back in October by saying that the theme
and names in the movie were infringing on the popular Star Wars
brand. Although sales of the film have resumed, Lucasfilm will
continue to fight against this movie in court.
I think that Lucasfilm is missing out on
a great marketing opportunity.
Erotica has proven time and again that
it sells, both online and in brick and mortar stores. Lucasfilm,
along with their licensees such as Hasbro could cash in on toys,
video, clothing and other merchandise related to this animated
feature. I can see it now:
- R2-D2 with vibrating head for those lonely
nights when your Jedi is at the office.
- Princess Leia's Metal Bikini and Garter,
sure to turn your Jabba into a love slave.
- Han Solo Real Doll (as seen on the Howard
Stern Show). Lifelike rogue that won't spend his Friday night
playing Sabacc with the boys.
- C-3PO's Hot Cinnamon Oil Bath.
- Luke Skywalker's Power of the Force "light
saber."
The list could be endless.
And with a franchise like Star Wars there
are already 3 other movies to be made, not to mention 2 more
prequels. Who could resist movies like Star Ballz: The Booty
Got Back, Return of the One-eye, and Star Ballz Episode I: The
Phallic Menace?
The too-slow turn-around time for comic strips...
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-23-02 12:01am
Did you ever read an edition of
Fox Trot and see how it refers to a trend that's just so 10-minutes-ago.
One I remember vividly is a reference to "All your base
are belong to us" two weeks after the fad died. That's the
curse of doing comics 6 weeks ahead of time. You'd think with
me doing my strip the Sunday before each update, I wouldn't be
subject to that phenomenon... But I am, in this week's "The Cantina" Comic
Strip!!!!
Competition for Cantina coming soon!
Posted by: Nite Stocker 1-23-02 12:01am
"Hooters, known for it's trademark
waitresses, is sure to be a hit with the smugglers and freighter
pilots on Tatooine. Adds Hooters Ribbon, "and I can't wait
to audition the three breasted aliens!' "
Our roving reporter, Big E, first broke
this story back in mid December, hinting at the influx of a rare
breed of a three breasted female species. I am here to tell you
my friends, they do exist. A new film by the name of "Kung
Pow: Enter The Fist" is the mainstream breakthrough for
one member of this race. The character looks to be an Asian Kung
Fu master. (see Mileena/Kitana of Mortal Kombat fame)
This species have all the characteristics
of a normal human, aside from a bulbous THIRD breast in the center
of it's chest! Is this a marketing test by a Hooters exec. with
connections to the movie? Perhaps it's all smoke and mirrors?
Might it even be the works of plastic surgery? I think not, as
a strong supporter of the extra terrestrial. However, the world
may never know. Experience the tantalizing trifecta that is the
3 Breasted Woman in "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist" when
it hits theaters near you.
Vintage Collector desperate for money
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-23-02 12:01am
There's nothing more pathetic than
a long-time collector that paid top-dollar for the then current
"fad" vintage item trying to recoup his "investment"
a couple years later by putting those items on eBay with high
opening bids or big reserves. The best example I can think of
for that is POTF "Last 17" figures. Back in 96-99,
POTF1 was the hottest line of vintage toys... those cool coins...
that gorgeous layout... that perfect photo of 92 figures on the
back or the card... so sweet! Plus, those suckers were hard as
hell to find. But then the bloom fell off the flower once eBay
kicked in and everyone began to realize these figures weren't
superultrauber-rare. Right now is a bad time in general to be
selling vintage Star Wars, and it's about 10 times worse of a
time to be selling vintage POTF figures. And it's 100 times worse
since the great Jim Bull discovery of 2001!!!
So my buddy R. J. Coulston E-mails me earlier
this week... asks me to plug his eBay auctions. Three guesses
what he's auctioning... yep. And do you think he used reserves?
You know it. Sad, isn't it? So now I'm stuck trying to drum up
some excitement over these auctions. Sometimes I wonder if it's
worth the bribes I take to do this job.
But then again... these are very nice.
Remember in Raiders when Brody is looking over Indy's trinkets
and is like, "We'll buy them as always" dismissively,
but then takes a closer look and is like, "they are very
nice." That's the same reaction I had when I saw these.
And Coulston told me the reserves were "mostly under $100,
except for Amanaman & Luke Stormie." So it might even
be worth your effort to drop a bid on these suckers... especially
the high-grade ones. Here's what he has to offer:
So if you missed out on the Bull-rush last
year, here's your chance to make up for it! Jason's a nice guy
who paid a lot of money to have me say that, and he deserves
your business. Bid away!!
Dianoga mucks up some more eBay filth!
Posted by: Dianoga 1-30-02 12:01am
From the creative, to the INSANE...
eBay runs the gamut. These auctions here give a nice cross-section
of all of the above.
Trust me... the card is in FANTASTIC CONDITION!!!
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem=1697972046
Come on now... Leia was never skanky like this! Lando, OTOH...
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem=1696194941
The most crack-headed eBay description I've seen... EVER!!!
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem=1067382411
No droids allowed!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-30-02 12:01am
You know, Wuher really has a bug
up his ass over this whole No-Droids-Allowed-in-the-Cantina thing.
Watch THE MAN lay down THE LAW in this week's episode of "The Cantina" Comic
Strip!!!
A vast, Vlix-wing conspiracy begins to unfold!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 1-30-02 12:01am
My greatest vintage collecting
prediction - dubbed the "Vlix Conspiracy" by some,
is beginning to come to pass. The evidence is this auction:
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem=1698116171
Yes, that is a carded Vlix... a BEAUTIFUL
carded Vlix! What does this have to do with a conspiracy? Well,
a long time ago, I saw a series of carded Vlix auctions on eBay...
several major collectors deciding to sell all at the same time.
I theorized that they knew something the rest of us didn't. My
best guess of what bit of information could cause a big sell-off
of Vlixes was that they knew Vlix wasn't as rare as believed.
The only way that would be possible would be if new Vlixes were
discovered! So I concluded that someone in Brazil uncovered a
bunch of cases of Vlixes!
As a result, lots of people called me crazy.
There was wide-spread denial from all the people who have bought
or sold Vlixes recently. And with each new loose Vlix that popped
up on eBay - an unnaturally large number, I might add - the theory
was discussed and dismissed.
But now, we have the best evidence of a
new discovery of Vlixes - this CASE FRESH example of a carded
Vlix. Where would you get a case fresh Vlix? Obviously from a
newly-discovered case of carded Vlixes!!! It's true, folks! There
will be a Vlix in every pot! Prepare for the flood!!! The Vlix
Conspiracy has come to pass!!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!
Nimrod's TOP 25 COOLEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 1-30-02 12:01am
This is it - the final fourth of
movie coolness ratings from our resident filmographer, Ric Nimrod.
You already know the movies in the top 25 if you've read the
previous columns, but you don't know why they're there until
you've read this edition of "The
Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!"
More ramblings of the resident lunatic!!
Posted by: toasty 2-6-02 12:01am
Lucasarts has sent a cease and
desist order to Hasbro to stop using their "valuable copyright
pictures". The scuttlebutt quotes Hasbro top brass: "What
a bunch of dumbasses".
Chewbacca to to appear in a new Viagra
commercial with longtime spokesperson Bob Dole.
Rick McCallum asked to comment on Rebelscum/
CollectStarWars.com merger: "When I first heard it, I was
like 'No F***ing Way!', now I'm like 'F*** yeah!'."
New Mace Windu figure revealed! Has new "Force
Speech" feature, where the action figure talks! Lines include
"Sh*t, Yoda! That's all you had to say!" and "You're
going down, motherf***er!".
Mark Hamill to play Harrison Ford in new
made-for-TV movie about Harrison Ford rescuing people with his
helicopter.
Seen on eBay today: lots and lots of Star
Wars items.
Yoda to play bass guitar on new Rolling
Stones album. Keith Richards reported as saying "He's the
only person I know older than me."
Jar-Jar rumored to be staring in new gay
porn video. "Meesa was confused..."
Rick McCallum asked to comment on Jar-Jar
gay porn video rumors: "What the f***?!?".
'N Sync sues LucasFilm for 14 minutes and
59 seconds.
New Episode I DVD to be released, George
Lucas promises this one to be "Really special."
Bith leaves cantina to play as opening
act for U2 2002 world tour. Dave Matthews Band scheduled to play
Mos Eisley cantina in the interim.
Because you didn't know it was coming...
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-6-02 12:01am
I thought I'd surprise everyone
this week by posting another edition of "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!! Will wonders never cease???
Brand New "Cable Original" Art!!!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-6-02 12:01am
I was doing my update, and I almost
forgot to post this!!! It's been a long time since I've posted
a new drawing. It's not because I haven't been drawing... quite
the contrary! I've actually done 3 drawings since I last posted
anything. It's just that 2 of them are "works in progress."
So no, I haven't been lazy! Without further ado, I'm happy to
reveal my latest Cable Original drawing - it's 4-LOM! Check it
out in the Cable Original Art Gallery!!!
Speaking of having $210 to blow...
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-6-02 12:01am
If you're looking for a very unique
vintage item, please check out Ed & my vintage
licensing slicks for sale! You won't find a cooler collectible
for sale anywhere!!!
EXCLUSIVE: E2 C-3PO carded photos!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-6-02 12:01am
I know everyone saw the auctions
on eBay for the 8-figure E2 sets. But what good is a tiny little
picture? For the first time anywhere (well, for the first time
anyone's done it publicly), CreatureCantina.com is proud to reveal
larger images of the front and back of one of those E2 figures
- C-3PO! This figure is particularly sweet, as 3PO has removable
"coverings" and a trunk to store them in. Very nice
looking! Also, the back gives some detail about the plot of E2
- beware of SPOILERS!!! Click on the images for a larger view.
I got these by asking the seller for some
photos of the C-3PO, and he happily provided them. He also indicated
that he had more sets available. If you have $210 to blow, you
should send
him an E-mail.
Lucas to ruin ANOTHER classic Trilogy character!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-13-02 12:01am
Our friends over at RebelScum have
uncovered the latest LFL conspiracy, and they don't even realize
it! Let's go to the image, first. Check
this out!
Notice the character names. No, you're not seeing double, it
says "Bobba Fett."
Smelling something fishy, we sent our crack
reporters to the ranch to dig up the REAL dirt. And what we found
will shake you to your soul. Ever the revisionist, George Lucas
plans to "update" the character of Boba Fett to broaden
the appeal of Star Wars to rural America. Lucas revealed: "This
was just the first step. Once we get fans to accept 'Bobba Fett,'
it'll be child's play to get them to embrace 'Bubba Fett!' Once
we associate the galaxy's favorite bounty hunter to the NASCAR
crowd, the licensing possibilities are endless!! We'll have the
broadest appeal of any pop culture phenomenon, and people will
be scooping up Bubba Fett mudflaps and Bubba Fett spittoons left
and right. It'll surpass our wildest aspirations." Lucasfilm
wrapped up his comments by stating under his breath, "If
we could tweak that bastard Harrison by totally emasculating
Han and making Greedo shoot first, we sure as hell can knock
that pr*ck Bulloch down a few notches..."
Reports indicate that 10-10-220
spokesman Toby Keith has already been signed to re-dub all of
Boba Fett's lines from the original Trilogy in the upcoming "Uber-Extreme
Absolutely Last And Final Complete" edition of the Star
Wars Saga, due on DVD in 2007.
Back by popular demand - COMICS!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-13-02 12:01am
You know, I was just about to hang
'em up on this whole comic strip gig. They're a ton of work.
Nobody's paying me gobs of money to do it. Only a few people
ever offer me money or vintage carded figures for the original
art. But then I got this wonderful E-mail from a person named
"Esther Criscuola de Laix." And Esther told me I drew
good comics. So I'm back in the saddle again! This one's for
you, Esther! Now read the latest "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!
Top 10 Signs You Take Your Star Wars Hobby To Seriously
Posted by: Big_E 2-13-02 12:01am
10. You
can quote more than 5 lines of dialogue from each of the four
movies.
9. Can still place correct weapon with vintage figure
even though you haven't unpacked the toys in over 10 years.
8. Your toy collection is worth more than your car and
occupies it's own line on your monthly budget.
7. You had/have a pet named after a Star Wars character.
6. Silas Carson is a household name to you...as are the
4 characters he played in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
5. Every time you are faced with a challenge the words
"Do or do not, there is no try," races through your
brain.
4. You already have your vacation planned so you can see
Episode III opening night in May 2005.
3. You have ever found yourself heading to Wal-Mart at
midnight on a weekday because you can't sleep and there is just
a chance the new wave of figures will be on the shelf.
2. Three words: Star Wars tattoo.
1. Still trying to use the Jedi Mind Trick to get a raise
at work.
SirSteve proves he's SCUM!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-13-02 12:01am
(no offense intended towards RebelScum)
OK folks... it's time to revert
into beating-dead-horses mode. You've been warned.
Many Kudos go to YakFace.com
for bringing to the light of day the fact that SirSteve continues
to solidify his position as the biggest A-HOLE in the hobby by
listing his own Toy Fair 2002 exclusive chromed Darth Vader up
on eBay. Do you maybe offer it to a friend who couldn't make
it to the show? NOoooooo! Do you offer it as a raffle or something
to one of the thousands of loyal supporters of your site? NOOoooo!
You list the damn thing on eBay and get a cool $200! Check it
out for yourself:
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem=1704631040
Now you'll excuse me if I don't trust SirSteve's
honesty in his auction. He says selling it on eBay for "a
friend" who doesn't have an eBay account and spent $250
on batteries. Yeah... that sounds like a REAL likely story. eBay
accounts are hard to get, after all. And who could expect someone
with a digital camera who works for a collecting web site to
have an account on eBay. That would just be too unusual. And
there's no way SirSteve could get his hands on two TF Vaders...
him being the Internet unknown and all.
Besides, SirSteve is the pillar of honesty.
It's not like he ever used his status as an early Web presence
to get the newest figures at cost and then scalp them on RASSC.
And he never EVER stole images from other web sites and posted
them on his own pasting his little "property of SSG"
disclaimer on them. Oh, and it was HIS COUSIN, not him, who ripped
off Kirsten Schaulin - selling her a "MINT" Uzay Emperor's
Royal Guard which arrived on a trashed card with a cracked bubble
and a BEHEADED FIGURE!!! His cousin... you know, the one who
lived in his same apartment, shared the same phone line, shared
an E-mail account, and shared a Post Office box and WAS NAMED
STEVE!!! Yeah, that cousin!
It's bad that a guy like SirSteve uses
his fame and influence to line his pockets. But what's worse
is that people enable it by supporting him! So I've composed
a list of enabling morons to share with everyone. Here goes:
If you're of the mind, take a minute to
click on some of their names and let them know how you feel about
them supporting SirScalper's profiteering. After all, you don't
become a user without gullible people supporting you. What I
really hope is that someone bids up this auction to $2 million
dollars and forces SirSteve to pull it. That would be nice. Not
that I'm encouraging that or anything... just saying it would
be nice... maybe have two people snipe it at $2,000,000 and $2,500,000
so his credit card is charged the final value fees. That would
be... hilarious.
Top 10 Lines Sam Jackson should have in EPII
Posted by: Big_E 2-20-02 12:01am
10 - They called me Mr. Glass.
"Unbreakable"
9 - You refer to the prophecy of The One, who will bring balance
to the Force. You believe it's this boy? "Star Wars: Episode
1 - The Phantom Menace"
8 - Nature is lethal but it doesn't hold a candle to man. "Deep
Blue Sea"
7 - Crazy is on the bus. "The Negotiator"
6 - The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel. "The
Long Kiss Goodnight"
5 - Why the hell do you keep calling me Jesus? Do I look Puerto
Rican to you? "Die Hard with a Vengeance"
4 - Normally, both of you would be dead as f***ing fried chicken
by now, but since I'm in a transitional period, I don't want
to kill either one of your asses. "Pulp Fiction"
3 - I like you. You have a goal, and you have the balls to reach
that goal. You have this blind stupid belief in yourself. "The
Great White Hype"
2 - York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for
five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before
that, we played high school football together. Before that, we
were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed
together. "Loaded Weapon"
1 - You know me. It's my duty to please that booty. "Shaft"
A dose of comic chicanery
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-20-02 12:01am
Ahhh... I'm too damn tired to write
up a witty introduction for this weeks comic. It's funny, that's
all you need to know about this week's "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!
George Lucas: Fashion Designer?
Posted by: Nite Stocker 2-20-02 12:01am
George Lucas..a genius..an enigma.
An innovative man of fashion? Perhaps. Lord Lucas' fashion drug
of choice has always been the simple yet striking, plaid flannel
shirt. Like the Yukon lumberjacks before him and the grunge scene
fans that followed, Lucas continues to stay true to the squares
and stripes.
To this day, George continues to take pride
in his flannel saturated wardrobe. Although the flannel shirt
has seen it's revival and downfall, George is keeping it real.
With his numerous business ventures, all branching from his motion
picture brainchild, Lucas has decided to dabble in the fine art
of fashion designing.
"Basically, I wanted to share the
joy of flannel with the public. It's always been a dream of mine
to bring flannel enthusiasts of all origins together someday
in a pure plaid nirvana." Lucas along with designer, and
now uncloseted plaid freak, Tommy Hilfiger plain to start a joint
venture. Aptly named, "Plaid Pride", Lucas hopes that
plaid lovers the world over will show their dedication to the
furry yet tough shirts they have grown accustomed to over the
years.
George and Tommy, being the thrifty and
unspoiled men they are, have decided to start this company out
of pocket, and devote all earnings to the "PPSA", the
Plaid Preservation Society of America. The only earnings the
two will see are gratitude and appreciation. Those are two things..money
just can't buy..unless you are a politician.
SirSteve: SHOW ME THE MONEY ORDER!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-20-02 12:01am
Dedicated readers will remember
how last week SirSteve auctioned off a Toy Fair 2002 exclusive
Vader on eBay, then bowed to public outrage and added a blurb
that all the money will go to the Red Cross and the Liberty Disaster
Relief Fund. If you're not a dedicated reader, just scroll down
4 stories and catch up.
So this figure ended at $343 idiot dollars
(as opposed to smart-people dollars; dollars spent by people
of high intellect). And we know every cent of that $343 is going
to the WTC charities... IF we trust SirSteve at his word. I think
everyone here know what SirSteve's word is worth. So I'm making
a public demand of SirSteve - SHOW ME THE MONEY ORDER!
I want to see an images posted of US Postal
Money orders in the sum total of $343 paid to the order of the
Red Cross and Liberty Fund. You owe the bidders on your auction
at least that much proof that your charity claim wasn't some
scheme to bump up the final bid. If you fail to post your proof,
then we can only assume your promise of charity was fraudulent.
And if I find out that you defrauded the victims of 9-11... the
good people who lost loved ones... the families of the courageous
firefighters who ran into those burning building to sacrifice
their lives to help others... I swear to you that I will follow
you to the ends of the earth to make sure every Star Wars collector
that's exposed to your site knows that you'd stoop this low as
to prey on the sympathies of honest people to line your pockets.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
BTW Steve... donating the money from the
Vader was such a nice gesture... it's a shame you didn't see
fit to donate the other
hundreds of dollars you're earning off the Toy Fair 2002 exclusive
wrestling figures and Hot Wheels cars you have on eBay. I
suppose those are for your "friend," too. Gotta defray
the cost of those $250 rechargeable batteries somehow, huh? As
long as you're not scalping to Star Wars fans it's OK.
A comic that's NOT "The Cantina..."
Posted by: Nite Stocker 2-27-02 12:01am
What am I doing here??? Plugging
a comic strip that's not mine? Do I have no concept of competition?
Do I really want to be supplanted by another artist? It doesn't
really matter... the thing's funny so what the hell. Enjoy
This Comic!!
Ms. Cleo and Mace Windu: The Truth
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 2-27-02 12:01am
Recently, one of America's premier
tele-psychics, Ms. Cleo had her credibility as a true psychic
tested. Florida was the first to lay the proverbial smackdown
on her. Cleo, aka "The Jamaican Gypsy".. had this to
say in defense:
"I don't know why da people don't
be tinking I tell da truth! I been erie for so many years, I
am at one with meself, and been given da power to tell tha future!
Believe me or not, with Jah as me witness, I can tell no lies!"
In Cleo's defense, Mace Windu spoke at
her most recent press conference. Windu, who has been romantically
involved with Guinan of the USS Enterprise, Halle Berry, Vanessa
Williams, and Ms. Cleo herself had this to say.
"I sense that she tells the truth.
The force is not very strong with her, but look, the woman tells
me what I want to hear, ya dig? Haha..yeah..according to her..I'm
gonna have a slew of **'s..lots of dough..and I'll be runnin'
the Jedi Council before too long!" During this interview,
Windu was Commteched to Ms. Cleo's residence as I was issued
a restraining order.
Take Windu's banter for what it's worth,
I see it as an admission of guilt. Ms. Cleo..a fraud..a phony..a
failure in the telecommunication business. You're likely to get
a more accurate reading from the good folks at The Nat'l Enquirer.
So folks, don't always believe what you hear. This is Dark Hybrid..MTFBWY.
The Cantina Comic Strip
Posted by: Bill Cable 2-27-02 12:01am
How's that for a creative headline??
I'm hitting on all three cylinders tonight!! Go ahead... I dare
you... read the latest (and quite timely) "The
Cantina" Comic Strip!!!!!
Emperor testifies after Enron collapse
Posted by: toasty 2-27-02 12:01am
"It's all a big mistake."
That was all that Imperial Accounting Officer
Tom Pappas had to say before the Senate sub-committee last Monday
on the increasingly stronger ties between the burning husk that
is Enron and the Galactic Empire. The Empire has already endured
many scandals as of late, the biggest the apparent cover-up of
the fact that the Empire will not allow any non-humans in the
Imperial Navy.
The paper trail is getting longer and longer,
and a few high ranking officers who spoke off the record said
matters can only get worse. Enron officials were unwilling to
issue any comments due to pending legal action.
Emperor Palpatine appeared before the Senate
yesterday afternoon. After enduring several grueling questions,
counsel suggested that the Emperor invoke his 5th amendment rights.
Immediately after pleading the 5th, the Emperor killed everyone
in the Senate chamber with lightening bolts from his hand. "Foolish
people, to think that I would let myself be mired by baseless
rumor!"
The remaining members of the Senate are
debating if they should subpoena the Emperor's personnel director,
Lord Darth Vader, for questioning.
Those hit the hardest are some 100 million
retired Imperial Navy officers.
"We were told that Enron stock would
let us retire to any system we chose.", said retired Captain
Bob Oswald. "Hell, we heard that the Emperor and Vader had
back door deals that gave them all the money they could ever
need. How do think they funded the first Death Star? Hold on,
scratch that. I meant the Death Star."
The remains of the Senate are looking into
a series of corporations on an outer rim planet named "Tatooine".
Sources claim there to be thousands of shell corporations, all
based on Tatooine. The local law on Tatooine is very lax, and
many gangsters and scoundrels use the planet's banking system
to hide illegal funds, or in Enron's case, to hide bad debt from
investors.
Chairman of the First Bank of Tatooine,
a Mr. Jabba T. Hutt had this to say: "I am deeply saddened
by this news of Enron using my banks to launder and hide their
true performance from stock holders." When asked regarding
rumors that Mr. Hutt himself was using the bank for hiding illegal
funds, he issued a hurried "No comment!" and slithered
away.
In this reporter's opinion, this matter
can only get worse.
Comics! We got your comics here!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-6-02 12:01am
One of those crazy guys over at
the Fighting 501st submitted
an idea for this week's strip. You'll like it! See it in the
latest "The Cantina"
Comic Strip!!!
New official CC.com T-Shirt!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-6-02 12:01am
Show your love for CreatureCantina.com!
Order the official T-Shirt from CafePress.com! If I was smart
I'd price the thing a couple bucks over retail and use the profits
to help support my site, but I'm not... get it now for the base
retail price and help support the Cafe Press site! This is the
perfect T-shirt to wear at Celebration2. All the cool people
will be wearing it!!
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/product=2057583
ALF To Make Episode 3 Cameo
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 3-6-02 12:01am
Beloved 80's television star ALF
aka Gordon Shumway, is scheduled to make a cameo appearance in
the supposed final Star Wars film of the new trilogy. "Gordo,"
saw his reign of intergalactic television supremacy come to an
end in 1990. Mork and Mindy, My Favorite Martian, The Great American
Hero..then ALF. All bound for a syndicated television hellhole.
However, ALF has seen a resurgence in television as he appears
in a new 10-10-220 commercial, along side Steeler great, Terry
Bradshaw.
George Lucas saw something in ALF that
nobody else saw...credibility. After reasonably short negotiations,
ALF inked a contract and will service Lucas in Ep.3!
Shumway's character is still in development,
but it's sure to do him justice.
ALF had this to say. "Ya know..Melmac
just doesn't have much of an outlet for Hollywood has-beens such
as myself." As he discreetly pushed a litter of cats back
into his suitcase, he babbled on about his mistreatment by the
Tanners and Willie Tanner's violent fits of wanting to play "dress
the alien." "So, Star Wars may be my calling back into
the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Girls..money..cats..what
could be better?"
Gordon Shumway takes back his rightful
place, in the hearts of those still stuck in the 80s. Hair metal,
slap bracelets, Ninja Turtles..and ALF. And you though Crystal
Pepsi was cool.
Brand New "Cable Original" art revealed!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-6-02 12:01am
Yes indeedee! I'm at it again
with another new "Portrait Series" drawing. Who is
the character? You'll need to click on the gallery and see for
yourself. The one thing I will say is that this time around
there's NO OBJECTIONABLE GOO! Man, did I get in trouble for
that last time. You'd think nobody ever saw a droid give a Bantha
an enema before...
Without further ado, I'm proud to present
the latest masterpiece in the "Cable
Original Art Gallery!"
A "Cable Original Gallery" programming note!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-13-02 12:01am
Last week I posted that I was adding
a new drawing to the gallery. Shortly afterwards, they guy I
drew it for asked for a redraw! Drawing rejected!! DENIED!!!!
It's extremely rare that I have to honor my satisfaction guarantee,
but every customer has that option open to them and this one
took it. So enjoy that Zuckuss drawing while it's up there, because
it will soon be struck from the record and removed forever!!
Another comic strip? It's my mission!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-13-02 12:01am
"What are we going to do this
week Brain?" "The same thing we do every week Pinky...
publish this week's 'The
Cantina' Comic Strip!!!"
Episode Two Trailer: Subliminal Sabotage?
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-13-02 12:01am
The debut of the "Episode
2: Attack of the Clones" trailer was seen by millions of
people the world over tonight. Action packed with new CGI, new
characters, breathtaking landscapes, and..Steven Spielberg?
Soon after the trailers debut, internet
fanboys swarmed to popular BBS "Bounty Hunter Collective",
as seen on Rebelscum.com to express their feelings regarding
the new trailer. One by one, posts regarding "hidden messages"
popped up.
Viewers claimed to have taped the trailer,
then reviewed it in slow motion.
In their review, fans also said to have
seen frames in between shots of Mr. Steven Spielberg himself??
Another viewer posted their findings of a close up still of Haley
Joel Osment holding a sign that read "Star Wars Sucks!".
Is this sabotage? Upon further review on my own, I too am a believer.
I spotted Spielberg creation, E.T., with a Jar Jar Binks voo
doo doll! Again, is this a sabotage attempt on Spielbergs behalf?
Did Lucas do this himself? Does he wish
to destroy his own creation with something other than over abundant
CGI technology? I will keep everyone a breast on this story.
In the meanwhile, look out for the greatest
film of all time, "A.I. - Artificial Intellegence",
starring Jude Law and Haley Joel Osment. Coming to DVD!
Be sure to see the 20th Anniversary release
of world renowned producer, Steven Spielber...whoah..thats odd...*look
of surprise and disgust*
This Trailer ROCKS!!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 3-13-02 12:01am
So says the Mighty Nimrod! Why
does this master of cinema think the trailer lived up to its
hype despite the laments of fanboys across the globe? Find out
in this week's "The Mighty
Nimrod Speaks!!!"
The Old & Crusty Sith
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-13-02 12:01am
Hey folks, just been sitting here
thinking, after viewing the New EP II Trailer. Has anyone else
noticed, that if you  are/were/become
a Sith Lord, and you can survive all the lightsaber battles and
sneak around the Jedi long enough. You can get pretty old and
crusty looking??!!! What's up with that? I mean, take Palpatine,
he's obviously getting progressively crusty throughout the movies.
 And
this is something to look forward too? Come one, who's kidding
who. Yeah, you may get to be all powerful and stuff but you look
like S#@T. Look at Vader, he was in such bad shape by the time
he became a "Master of the Darkside", he needed to
build himself an iron lung to live in. And this looked good to
Anakin?? PLEASE!!! No wonder  Queen/Senator
- Padme - Susie -Amidala - Naberrie - Jones left his Crusty Dark
Side Ass!
Maybe that's why Darth Maul didn't stick
around. Live fast and die young...... And pretty.
CONGRATULATIONS.... AND SHAMLESS PLUGGING!!
Also, wanted to give a shout of congratulations
out to my Imperial posse. Congratulations to the 501st Eastern
Squad on becoming Garrison Carida!! These guys do great charity
work throughout the PA / DE / NJ / MD area's. Check them out
at http://www.garrisoncarida.com/
New comic
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-20-02 12:01am
Just like the rest of the CC.com
staff, I'm being lazy and slacking off on the comic intro. But
at least I'm posting SOMETHING! Buncha dorks... Anyways, here's
your "The Cantina"
Comic Strip!!!
Levis hires Rebel Trooper for commercials
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-20-02 12:01am
After the stunning success of its
Superbowl television ad entitled "Crazy Legs," the
people at Levis knew they had a franchise theme on their hands.
They were just about ready to film a series of six follow-up
commercials when the star of the original increased his contract
demands to over $7 Million per commercial. It seems Levis wasn't
the only people who knew they had a hot property on their hands...
So what's a billion-dollar multi-national
clothing manufacturer to do? They found a suitable replacement!
And the lucky actor is none other than the POTJ Rebel Trooper!
The Rebel Trooper displayed a natural talent for replicating
the computer-generated "Crazy Legs" walk of the actor
in the first film. As a result, Levis will save millions in production
costs... ironically those millions would have gone to Industrial
Light and Magic, who did the CL effect in the original commercial.
Talk about biting the hand that fed you - OUCH! The Rebel Trooper
won't have LucasFilm come knocking any time soon after that move!
Here are several on-set shots of the Rebel
Trooper as he warmed up for filming of the first bit. As you
can easily see, this guy is a natural for the part!!
Wuher to open "Planet Naboo"
Posted by: Dark Hybrid 3-27-02 12:01am
Mos Eisley's cantina bartender
Wuher has announced plans to open his own "Planet Naboo"
on, where else, Naboo! In the vein of the once highly successful
restaurant chain, Planet Hollywood, Wuher decided to put a space
age twist on this celebrity hot spot. The Mos Eisley Cantina
is now headed up by Dr. Evanzan.
"Since the Droids got their way in
the high courts, the business has been booming. We stocked the
old Cantina with oil and rechargeable accessories and made profits
hand over fist since. With this new venture, I am sure we can
do the same!" When asked what clientele he hopes to see
in his new "Planet Naboo" location, with a gleeful,
yet sarcastic chuckle said, "No droids..haha!"
Wuher plans to hold a grand opening celebration
sometime within the next 3 months. Guest appearances include
Padme Naberrie, Jar Jar, and more. Special guest emcee will be
none other than Obi Wan Kenobi! Join the fun with live music
by Spacehog, refreshments and the dedication of Planet Naboo's
first celebrity archive contribution, the arm of Ponda Baba!
Ohhhh... the PAIN! THE AGONY!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-27-02 12:01am
I pulled the heck out of my back
last weekend cutting a stump down to below ground level in my
backyard. 200 strokes of a double-bladed axe will do that to
you. My ribs still hurt when I cough. But did that slow me down?
Did that keep me from making my appointed rounds?? No! I did
as I always do... I hunched over my drawing tablet (this time
in throbbing pain) and doodled out this week's strip! Are you
going to read it? ARE YOU???!!! Well here it is... this week's
edition of "The Cantina"
Comic Strip!!!!
Battle Droid unemployment way up
Posted by: Big_E 3-27-02 12:01am
With the onset of abundant, cheap
armies, thanks to the new Clone Troopers, unemployment rates
for Battle Droids is on the rise.
After the Battle of Naboo, where an army
of primitive Gungans fought and destroyed a Trade Federation
army of droids, warlords and federations everywhere have been
looking for new alternatives. The Clone Trooper seems to be the
alternative of choice.
"Clones are a much better choice than
droids," says a Genosian who refused to give his name. "They
are cheap to create, think for themselves and are easily replaced.
We save money on droid control ships and can use that money to
build new and better fighters and troop transports."
That's all well and fine for the powers-that-be,
but Battle Droids everywhere are suffering. "We have no
job opportunities, roger, roger," stated one Battle Droid
Commander.
Not designed to operate independently like
the IG-88 model droids, Battle and Destroyer Droids have few
alternatives to applying for unemployment benefits from the general
accounting office on Coruscant.
Says GAO manager Bob Geekdarian, "The
IG-88 models were independent warrior droids so they could sell
their services as bounty hunters and assassination droids, but
Battle Droids have to have a support staff to carry out services
like that. They don't make for good independent thinkers. Other
than unemployment, I guess they could sell themselves for scrap
to some Jawas somewhere. But that would defeat the purpose of
needing money."
If the Clone Troopers work out as well
as many believe they will, we may be seeing the beginning of
the end for the Battle Droid.
Anniversary Update NEXT WEEK!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 3-27-02 12:01am
Attention Anchorhead shoppers!
One week from today CreatureCantina.com will be celebrating our
1-year Anniversary!!! There will be a huge update, big surprises,
and AMAZING PRIZES!!! So be sure to tune in next week
for the celebration! (No, not THAT celebration) We'd like as
many people as possible to help us celebrate our anniversary,
so if you contribute to a Star Wars web site and would like to
receive our press release, please E-mail me at cable@creaturecantina.com.
In the mean time, please continue to the rest of this week's
update...
To wrap up... some SPOILERS!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-3-02 12:01am
OK, I avoid the spoilers. I don't want to know
what's going to happen. That's just me. But the rest of you might
want to know it all. Well, here's "it all!" First,
Gooney Bird dropped an egg off in my Easter Basket containing
a never-before-seen RealScan image of a MAJOR Episode 2 character...
click on the blurry image and all will be revealed!!
Second, how about a copy of the script
of E2? This was sent to my by Anakin Skywalker himself! I haven't
read it... for all I know it's 300 pages of lurid profanity.
Proceed at your own risk!! And this IS REAL! NO JOKE! You've
been warned!!! Read
it now!!
PS: I
just wanted to take a minute to thank the staff of CreatureCantina.com
for sticking with it through year one. You guys ROKK! This site
would be nothing but a silly comic strip and some occasional
art if not for your creative contributions. From the bottom of
my heart, thank you!!
What you've been scrolling down for...
Posted by: Bill Cable 4-3-02 12:01am
All the way down here at the bottom
of the update... it's what you've been waiting for for an entire
year. I've done a whole bunch of these strips over the course
of the year (this is #51, actually)... and it's been quite a
rewarding experience. I hope I can keep this up for another 10
years! (An official sponsor would REALLY help me in that effort
*hint* *hint*) Let's hope we stay below LucasFilm's radar that
long! So until the C&D orders start pouring in, enjoy reading
"The Cantina"
Comic Strip!!
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