I don't care what you smell!
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=586522345

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more revolting...
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1141567197

Lopez said his purchase will not interrupt the work flow for Episode II, but plans to move the entire Marin county complex into his home in Seattle after the new film is released. "I'll have to do a little remodeling and move some stuff around, but I think it'll fit," said Lopez.

Not only does he gain the corporation, but other collectible resources including the Lucasfilm Archive where many of the props to create the Star Wars movies are stored. "I've already been in there trying on the Chewbacca costume," says Lopez. "It was a little too big. I'm not quite as tall as Peter Mayhew." Gus also gained into his employ the master collector Steven Sansweet. "I practically own him now," Gus commented. "I control his paycheck, so now I can finally get that last Empire three pack from him that he'd never sell me."

"I am just to busy," the flanneled director said in a recent interview. He went on to claim that "I have a load of work to do, what with destroying my Star Wars franchise and all... I just decided that, since I had a different alien portray Fortuna in Episode One, that ol' Bib deserved a break, so I figured I would let him write the script to Indy 4"

Fortuna was very excited about his opportunity. "I am thrilled. I plan to do a lot with this chapter in the Jones story. I feel that Indy should have a gay lover, I think that we should explore that side of Indy. Also I feel as if Short Round will be re-appearing in this episode. I have talked with Jar Jar about playing the role and he is considering it. He has MANY offers to destroy film franchises as he did with Star Wars and with a little luck, we can convince him to destroy Indiana Jones"

Though still several years away, the Republican party are preparing its candidate for a brutal battle for the coveted New York Senatorial seat currently occupied by Hilliary Clinton. In what insiders consider a mild surprise, the Republicans have tapped Naboo native Jar Jar Binks to undertake the task at which Rick Lazio so badly failed in 2000. Jar Jar is currently serving as the Senator from the planet Naboo in the Galactic Senate, but will forego reelection in that post to attempt a run at governing in the United States Congress.

In an official press release, the Republican Party revealed their strategy, commenting: "We wanted to select a candidate that reflects the intelligence of an electorate that would put Hilliary Clinton into power. We felt Senator Jar Jar Binks (G - Naboo) perfectly fit that mold."

Republican spokesman Rod Stanley fielded questions from reporters. When asked about Jar Jar's non-earthling status, he noted, "There's not law that requires Senators be native-born Americans, only naturalized citizens. And though Jar Jar currently resides in a galaxy far, far away, he has begun looking at Albany-area real estate in order to establish residency in the state of New York. If things go well, Jar Jar will have been a New York resident a full two years longer than Ms. Clinton was when she was elected to office."

Stanley continued, "It's not about who's been an American longest, or who has the most distinguished education... it's about who will represent the people of New York the best. Jar Jar Binks has shown his deep caring for people on numerous occasions, one time lamenting, 'Yousa means peoples gonna die?' He really does care about our children. He also has a distinguished military career, and has server honorably in the Galactic Senate. He brings much more to the table than Ms. Clinton did when she got this job."

Political analysts are split on whether Jar Jar stands a chance against Clinton. Chris Matthers observed, "The people of New York have shown a willingness to accept leaders who had never visited their state before deciding to run for office, so I can't see how his alien status can hurt him. He leans to the left on environmental issues, which is sure to appeal to New York voters. And his minority status will resonate with the urban minorities across the state. I just wonder if his service on the Galactic Senate for Naboo has prepared him for a ruthless political campaign. And he'll have a tough time getting beyond the 'idiot' stereotype that plagues him."

Anne Krychick stated, "This thing doesn't have a chance! Honor? Honesty? Dedication? They have no place in New York politics! Does this Jar Jar know what it takes to increase the Wellfare roles in New York? Can he force through a prescription drug plan or a tax hike to fund new government programs? We don't even know if his species is born or hatched, so how do we know what he'll do to preserve a woman's right to have an abortion?"

From the deleted scene where the Empire attacks Wonderland!
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=588469608

Stylin' attire for the Cantina scene baby! Stroll into the Cantina wearing these, and Bea Arthur will be sitting on your lap calling you daddy.
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=589503646
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=588441591

Here is the list of suspects currently under investigation:

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely on LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it, her personality? NOT!

8. Jar Jar Binks
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious. Combined this with his inability to walk right, speak correctly or do anything with out making a mess Binks is one f#!*Ed up Gungan.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"?

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. Mushrooms! The campers are their damn dealers. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? -- Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.

Collector's are going to have to wait a bit longer however. Hasbro spokeswoman Gail Withers dropped a bomb on the collecting community last week with the announcement that the EEU line was experiencing delays. "We hope that everyone will please be patient with us on this line," Gail said. "We want these figures to be top notch, but it's taking us longer than we had hoped."

OK... so several months ago, a list of character names from E2 popped up on the Internet. Those names were derided, mocked, and dismissed. A month later, 3 scans of weapons from E2 (2 lightsabers and a blaster) were posted on CSW. These scans were rejected out-of-hand because the font on the page was a Trek font. Well, these things did not sit well with the Gooney Bird. The Gooney Bird finds your lack of faith disturbing! So to prove ONCE AND FOR ALL that the information you have received so far is legit, the big GB is submitting PROOF POSITIVE that the scans and names are real. How is he doing it? By revealing the RealScan image of the most critical character in E2. Shak-Ti is rumored to be the "Sneak Preview" action figure we'll be seeing this winter. Well, here's your chance to SEE IT FIRST. There will be no doubts when you gaze upon this image... CreatureCantina.com is proud to present: Shak-Ti!

76KB

END SPOILERS!!!

The really Real REAL Shak-Ti!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-13-01 11:01am
Last week an astute CreatureCantina.com reader was looking at my scan of Shak-Ti (see story below). On close examination, she saw a striking resemblance to an image she had seen before. It looks as if Mr. Lucas has introduced us to Shak-Ti before!! So if you want to see the REAL Shak-Ti (seriously)... the character believed to be the "Sneak Preview" figure for E2... CLICK HERE!!!

eBay links from Dianoga - SEX SEX SEX!!
Posted by: Dianoga 6-13-01 11:01am
Here's your dose of the odd and insane of eBay... scraped from the bottom of the trash compactor by your friendly neighborhood Dianoga.

AFA graded 100% certified PURE CRAP CONDITION! RARE!!
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1601894515

CC.com reader reveals HUGE conspiracy!!!
Posted by: Guest Submission: Toy Troll 6-13-01 11:01am
I am the Toy Troll and I thought you would be interested in this amazing news. Some inside sources at Hasbro have been caught in a plot that will rock the movie business forever. "I am deeply disturbed by this misjudgment in policy." said one Hasbro insider. In next months issue of Fanity Festivallia, Robert Kurchner reports the findings of an undercover story involving George Lucas. It appears that there is and never was a George Lucas. He was an invention of a decades old conspiracy launched by then Star Wars merchandiser, Kenner. Further investigation revealed that there is indeed a Modesto, California and a Skywalker Ranch. However, there never was a Mel's Diner and the Skywalker Ranch is owned by a militant religious fanatic prophesizing the return of Guldova, the ancient alien god whom created the rock of Gibraltor. Said a Hasbro spokesman, "This is a most unfortunate circumstance. Hasbro/Kenner made mucho bucks from this whole ruse. Episode II will still be released but we can no longer have Earl pose as the mastermind behind it all." Earl is the former Kenner janitor who has always read from scripts.

The Phantom Edit - Nimrod's View
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 6-13-01 11:01am
Everyone has heard of "The Phantom Edit," the re-cut of TPM that supposedly makes it 100% better. What do I think of it? You'll be surprised when "The Mighty Nimrod Speaks!"

STAND BACK... Greedo's Pissed!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-13-01 11:01am
My comic story arc cruises on towards its stunning conclusion! Make sure you don't miss the latest "The Cantina!"

Comic Arc wraps up!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-20-01 11:01am
The Greeta arc comes to a close in today's "The Cantina" comic strip. It's been a hard, long road, but we finally made it. Now I just need to come up with some more good ideas before next week! But until then, enjoy this week's "The Cantina!"

"In the fourth film, your ass goes down..."
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-20-01 11:01am
Imagine a boxer named Butch is really Obi-Wan Kenobi. Imagine a thug named Jules is really Boba Fett. Imagine Darth Vader as Marsellus Wallace. And that's just the beginning...

I'd just like to recommend this site - PulpPhantom.com. It's the funniest damn Star Wars site on the Web! Errr... well, maybe 2nd-funniest. But be warned, this site is NOT for children. There's rampant profanity! There's ultra-violence! There's random, senseless nudity! And Darth Maul dances!!! So this is not a site for children or other impressionables. But if you're not one of them, check out PulpPhantom.com!

Nimrod takes on the E1 DVD!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 6-20-01 11:01am
You know, it's about frikkin' time. But it looks like it'll be worth the wait! Read my thoughts in the latest "The Mighty Nimrod Speaks!"

Droids Skiff FINALLY UNVEILED!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-20-01 11:01am
In a stunning revelation, uber-dealer Barkley Hemback of "Phoenix Protagonists" finally revealed a heretofore unseen vintage variation: A Skiff in Droids packaging. For years the Droids Skiff was believed to be an internal packaging sample never put into production. For almost as many years Hemback has claimed he owned one. He explains, "I actually bought this off the shelves in 1985... I never realized just how rare it was until everybody told me it didn't exist. I was going to prove them wrong, but then I figured I could write a book and show the pictures in there first and make some money. You can't rely on millionaire Star Wars chicks for everything, you know."

"Did I mention that I was 'Kyle Katarn?' Those cut scenes in 'Dark Forces 2: Jedi Knight' - all me."

After his exclusive book deal fell through, Hemback decided to reveal his treasured item. "The time was right, you know?" Hemback reveals. "It was time to let the world know that I was telling the truth and not just lying. I work really hard to turn up all sorts of rare and super-expensive toys, and I need to get my props. Plus, I have a huge lightsaber. It's longer than my forearm!"

CreatureCantina.com is proud to reveal the first photos of the only confirmed Droids Skiff:

Amazing 12" Vintage set on eBay!!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-20-01 11:31am
You want to know the true sign of someone who doesn't have a frickin' clue what's they're doing on eBay? It's when they try to auction a really valuable collection AS A SET instead of in individual auctions! Take this yahoo here:

But hey, it ain't my collection to sell, it's just my auction to promote. Even if you don't have piles of money sitting around with nothing better to do than spend it, it's worth the visit. A 12" vintage set is a toughie to complete, so be sure to check it out!

Short update = OPPORTUNITY!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-27-01 9:01am
You know, some of you might click on CC.com today, see a one story and 3 new headlines and think, "This sucks!" Well, you should look at it another way... the lack of a lot of content gives you EXTRA TIME to check out the other links on the site! Have you looked at the Cable Art Gallery lately? Have you visited OSWCC or PSWCS down there on the right? How about KennerToys or 12-back? Great sites there!! Or you could read our 3-month-old letters column (we promise Scott's working on an update... he's still settling in from moving). Or best of all, you could send up your very own News Stories!! So when life gives you lemons, make some lemonade!

It never fails... your Wednesday comic strip!
Posted by: Bill Cable 6-27-01 9:01am
It's going to be a sparse update this week, due to numerous staff vacations. However, it wouldn't be a Wednesday without your regular edition of "The Cantina!"

Speaking of comics... The Phantom Edit conspiracy!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-4-01 10:01am
Fox Trot is an awesome comic strip. It includes more Star Wars culture than pretty much anything else out there (except maybe "The Cantina!!"). A strip from earlier this week was a real gem. Enjoy it here. We could only be so lucky...

First fan idea for "The Cantina" sees print!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-4-01 10:01am
The idea for this week's "The Cantina" comic strip was submitted by faithful reader Harry Portman. This is the first fan-submitted idea to see print! I need to apologize to Harry, as I pretty much butchered his script... and used different characters... and changed the ending a bit... But it's still exactly as he envisioned it I'm sure!! So go read today's "The Cantina!" If you'd like your comic ideas to receive the same sort of editorial courtesy I've shown Harry, E-mail them to me.

Tell me I don't know eBay...
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-4-01 10:01am
You know, I think I should change my name... to Cleo. Because I KNOW what the future holds, mon! Two weeks ago I'm given the task of promoting an eBay auction I knew wouldn't come close to reserve... Coulston's 12" set. That's too much cashola for anyone to drop all at once. So I tell the guy, "I'll plug your auctions again when you list them separately on eBay in two weeks." So what happens? Here's what happens:

Twelve separate auctions. Granted, he's still using reserves (gutless), but a lot of them are already met! So his reserve prices are very fair. The gem of the lot is the MIMB IG-88... something that you just don't ever see... extremely rare and cool! OK, that's enough whoring for now. E-mail me now and I'll tell you what your future holds!

Coming at you with a fresh stash of eBay hilarity - Dianoga!
Posted by: Dianoga 7-4-01 10:01am
You know, some weeks it's too easy. Others suck. This week is one of the former. Feast your eyes:

Check out this dork selling all these 12" figures separately...
http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewListedItems&userid=jcoulston

SirSteve to change DN!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-4-01 10:01am
For immediate release: St. Louis, MO. SirSteve's Web Site has recently learned there is some confusion over the identity of site founder SirSteve. To help clear up this confusion, SirSteve's site is changing domain names effective immediately. The new domain name will be SirSteveSansweetsGuide.com. We hope this move will clear up any misconceptions or confusion which our founder's name and the name of Steve Sansweet may cause.

Steve Sansweet IS NOT SirSteve!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-4-01 10:01am
In a revelation that stunned the mostly ignorant POTF2/E1/POTJ collecting community, CreatureCantina.com reports that esteemed collector and LucasFilm fanboy liaison Steve Sansweet is not website founder SirSteve. They are, in fact, two completely different people. Two different guys. They probably haven't even met. One lives on the left coast, and the other lives with his cousin in an apartment in Florida.

So there you have it... confirmed and undeniable... Steve Sansweet and SirSteve are different people.

And finally... some fun from the Trash Compactor
Posted by: Dianoga 7-11-01 11:01am
Did you see that someone paid $1000 for the green-limbed Chewie I posted last week? Man... I should be charging the folks I do this for...

Gay pride Luke...(not that there's anything wrong with that)
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1165071031

Nimrod - Back from the dead!!!
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 7-11-01 11:01am
You thought you were rid of me, didn't you? Well I won't go THAT easily. Feast your eyes on the latest horror that is "The Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!"

The comics keep on rolling
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-11-01 11:01am
Did you ever get to the point where there's no interesting new way to describe a regular feature on your web site? I feel your pain. Read the latest "The Cantina" comic today!

Newcomer Skywalker wins Wimbledon!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-11-01 11:01am
In an unparalleled upset, unranked and unseeded unknown Luke Skywalker humiliated 3rd-seed Patrick Rafter, vanquishing him in straight sets 6-2, 6-0, 6-0. Never in the history of the sport has a complete unknown run the table at a Grand Slam event, nor has anyone, anywhere dominated the field in this manner. Skywalker looked as if he could do no wrong, serving up a tournament record 336 aces, dwarfing the previous Wimbledon record of 206.
Click here for full story...

Administrative Assistant Sought
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-11-01 11:01am
Major company seeking qualified candidates for long-term position (for your sake you'd better hope it's long-term). For complete details, check Headhunter.net.

...A slight malfunction
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-18-01 8:31am
Look for your regularly-scheduled CC.com update THURSDAY evening. Sorry for the delay. But hey - it happens.

President Bush rests comfortably after brain pacemaker operation
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 7-18-01 7:31pm
July 13, 2001 : WASHINGTON -- In the second White House health scare in little more than a week, doctors Wednesday night implanted a sophisticated pacemaker in President Bush's brain. The device, known as an implantable cranial defibrillator, or ICD, continuously monitors and records the president's brain waves. When Mr. Bush's brain activity becomes dangerously slow for a chief executive, the device delivers a mild electric shock, jolting the president back to a relatively active mental state.
Click here for full story...

Just for the record...
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-19-01 7:31pm
I don't have clue one what this next story has to do with Star Wars. But hey, it's Nimrod...

A day late, but worth the wait!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-19-01 7:31pm
OK, so pretend it's really yesterday (or prolly 2 days ago if you're looking at this Friday morning). It's your weekly dose of "The Cantina" comic strip! Enjoy, Eric!!

CSW.com POST OF THE WEEK!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-19-01 7:31pm
OK, so we don't have our own discussion forums (I think the 6 or 7 out there cover things nicely enough), so we figured we'd steal quotes from other sites and post them here. Here's our favorite quote from over at CSW:

Read the entire thread here.

Friday the 13th #36 - or comments thereabouts
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 7-19-01 7:31pm
Bad sequels? You want to talk about BAD sequels. E! might list one of our favs as the worst, but what do they know about entertainment anyway? As always, The Mighty Nimrod Speaks!!!

Brand New Art!!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-19-01 7:31pm
Sorry about the delay folks. Just had a bit of a medical situation, but it was handled very successfully.

But anyways... I'm proud to announce that TWO new drawings have been added to the Cable Original Art Gallery. Not only that, but I went ahead an completely redesigned the gallery. Now it should load up almost instantly even if you're running at 56K. As a result, no more mouseover thumbs. But I think it'll be worth it for most viewers. I'm still tweaking the design, but this is mostly what it'll look like when done. Without further ado, the Cable Original Art Gallery...

Your weekly dose of joy...
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-25-01 11:01am
After all that work on the ComiCon, it's amazing that I was able to put together this week's "The Cantina" comic strip. This one goes out to all you coke heads!

Exclusive ComiCon Coverage!!
Posted by: Bill Cable 7-25-01 11:01am
We're proud to present our EXTENSIVE coverage of the east of San Diego ComiCon in Hershey, PA. This is the event every Star Wars fan and comic book collector across the country has been waiting for, and CreatureCantina.com brings you the coverage.

Finally, the fruits of my labors... a couple of signed collectibles. I had a GREAT time at the event... many thanks to Michonne, Mercedes and the 501st!

Lak Sivrak Outta Control
Posted by: Ric Nimrod 8-1-01 10:01am
Former Star Wars star Lak Sivrak was arrested early Monday morning outside a night club in Modesto California. Sivrak is charged with public intoxication, resisting arrest, possession of a firearm and possession of a controlled substance.

This reported smells a cover-up and will keep CC posted as further developments are revealed.

I love fan-submitted comic ideas!
Posted by: Bill Cable 8-1-01 10:01am
You know, I try to be funny. It's hard to generate it on a weekly basis. So I'm lucky to have this Portman fellow that keeps sending me ideas for the strip. So every once in a while I can rest my brain without getting in trouble. Here's another great "The Cantina" comic strip!