In a greater effort to serve the collecting community and promote safe collecting habits, I present the second installment of the Star Wars Action Figure Collector's Survival Guide.

This edition focuses on one of the most nefarious scoundrels out there: that OTHER Collector.

I'm sure we've all seen this guy...not that any of us really know him. I mean, I know I wouldn't be associated with such a rapscallion.

Read. Learn. Collect safely.

• Name: That Other Collector
• Affiliation: Local Dragonmasters' Guild
• Weapons of Choice: Credit Card; Cell Phone; Blogs
• Vehicle: Mass Transit
• Allies: The Stockboy; The Investor; Mom
• Enemies: The Collector; Children; Mom
• Missions:
  1. THE HOARD: Make sure no one else can get their hands on the newest Fan's Choice figure by purchasing every one you see. Then hide them all in your mother's basement. Only you will ever know what happened.
  2. THE ROCKET-FIRING BOBA FETT: They say the rocket-firing Boba Fett was just a legend...but you know better. Use your network of collectors to unravel an age-old international conspiracy and find the lost shipment of rocket Fetts.

There are few things about collecting that are more irksome than when you are desperately trying to hunt down that one rare figure you really need to finish off your Coruscant Night Club sequence, only to see some punk at FFURG has managed to acquire the fig and replaced its head with a Rodian's. And so Creature Cantina presents...

The Collector's Survival Guide Part 3:

Every day dozens of action figures are taken off the collector's market.
Many will line a shelf in a spare bedroom.
Many are proudly put on display at computer terminals.
Many are tucked away by hoarding investors.
But a significant number of these figures fall into the hands of THE CUSTOMIZER and will never be heard from again...

• Name: The Customizer, a.k.a. The Mutilator
• Affililiation: Blockbuster Video Cardholder
• Weapons of Choice: Scultpy, Rusty Tools, Scalding Water
• Vehicle: Re-tooled Mustang
• Allies: Pearle Art Supply Chick, Ignorant Yard Salesman
• Enemies: The Investor, The Completionist
• Missions:
  1. RARE VINTAGE MAKEOVER: Acquire as many mint-condition vintage figures as you can and "improve" them by rescultping them as less memorable figures from the Prequels. The fans will love it as much as Lucas's Special Edition edits!
  2. MAD SCIENTIST: See how many figures you can make to satisfy reclusive collectors' unnatural fetishes for Jedi Astromechs, Cyborged Ewoks, and Gamorrean Slave Girls.

And by that warm, fuzzy feeling that enters our heart as we push our way through now crammed toy aisles to take advantage of holiday savings, we know that this time of year is really special for the children.

That's why the Star Wars Action Figure Collector's Survival Guide is taking a special look at KIDS for the next few weeks.

Not only do those little people compose our primary competitors on the market, they are the number one threat to the preservation of mint-condition Star Wars collections everywhere.

If they haven't already infested your home, you can be sure that one or two of them will be caught burrowing somewhere in your house as relatives pay their visits and drop off their recycled gifts of fruit-cake (assuming your excessive Star Wars collection hasn't already ostracized you from the rest of your clan). So read and learn, before it is too late...

The first subject of our study is that most notorious and familiar of adversaries -- that miniature muncher himself, THE BITER...

• Name: The Biter
• Affiliation: Flinstone's Kid
• Weapons of Choice: Teeth, Diaper
• Vehicle: Car Seat
• Allies: The Wiggles, Barney
• Enemies: Child Safety Locks, Gravity
• Missions:
  1. The Shelf Elf: No respectable rugrat ever let something like altitude and safety prevent them from wreaking havoc. Create a makeshift siege machine from pillows and other household items in order to assault your uncle's most valued figures way up on the top of the bookcase.
  2. Consumerism...Literally: See how many action figure accessories you can eat when no one is looking. Start with rebel pistols and work your way up. Double points if you can swallow Darth Maul's lightsaber without choking.

Learn about all the Star Wars Action Figure Collector's Enemies!

War is Hell...and children can be some its chief devils.

Watch the ranks of casualties grow as the nearest runt, fresh from tearing through Christmas presents, tears through your pristine collection of newly acquired figures in a fit of blind fury and plotless violence.

Hope you bought enough deluxe Bacta Tanks when they went on sale, because you're about to get the chance to set-up that medical bay diorama you've always dreamed about...

• Name: The Basher
• Affiliation: Pokemagotchi-oh! League Champion
• Weapons of Choice: Sheer Violence
• Vehicle: Dirt Bike
• Allies: Comic Book Store Owner, Scruffy the Uber-mutt
• Enemies: Homework, Cooties
• Missions:
  1. The Good Stuff: Forget this little kiddie Playskool Galactic Heroes rubbish -- you want to play with real toys -- toys with articulation and potential choking hazards. Dig around closets and air-tight containers until you can find your uncle's hidden stash of plastic joy. Hint: The more tissue paper they are wrapped in, the more fun they are to play with.
  2. Aggression Play Therapy: Your family therapist says that a lack of outdoor activities leads to a lot of pent up hostility. Manage your anger by using your Uncle's action figures to role-play alternative strategies for dealing with the schoolyard bully...or face life as a ritalin junkie.

During a SWAFT NEWS expose, Gary Longsnoot uncovered a vast conspiracy of investors selling action figures over the Internet. Thousands upon thousands of action figures are snatched from marketplaces each year, thinking they will be taken to loving homes where children or thirty-year-old balding men will play with them. Instead, they mercilessly were displayed and sold over online auctions; carelessly packed into boxes, sometimes even flimsy manila envelopes; and shipped to remote locations. Princess Leia has chosen to tell Gary her story.

Leia asked to meet with us at a family-oriented boardwalk near her beach residence. "People get the wrong idea when they see me," she said. "Wholesome family values. That's what I'm all about. Sometimes I feel like no one can see through my metal bikini."

G: It's a pleasure to be able to speak with you today, Leia.

L: The pleasure is all mine, Gary.

And now to conclude the SWAFCSG's report on those diminutive terrors to collectors across the globe: KIDS.

What's cuter than a spear-chucking Ewok and twice as dangerous? Why, a little girl with a sweet tooth and proclivity for the visual arts of course!

She might be innocent and charming, but that never erased the magic marker from a Wookie or straightened out a bent card back. When it comes to preserving your action figures, danger can come in the most darling of packages.

• Name: Little Miss Sticky-fingers
• Affiliation: Junior Pixie Rainbow Corps Cadet
• Weapons of Choice: Sucrose, Mucus
• Vehicle: Tricycle
• Allies: Santa Claus, Anything cute a fuzzy
• Enemies: Proper Hygiene, Frogs
• Missions:
  1. Battle Damage Features: Help your uncle have a more realistic battle scene on his computer desk by getting your filthy little fingerprints all over his fingers.
  2. Won't He Be Surprised: Uncle sure will miss you when he's gone... that's why you should make sure to draw him reminders of how much you love him someplace special where he is bound to look -- like on the backs of all those carded action figures he keeps on his shelf. Doesn't R2-D2 look funny with a mustache!

He did want me to note that an astute reader would notice that he skipped "Toy Wars 3" as an homage to Steve "Solo" Rensi's "flattering parody." I think that's Tresobish for "lame pile of crap," but my dialect may be a bit rusty. At any rate, here's part one of Tresob's "Toy Wars 4."

Witness the effeminacy of vanity!

Watch toys behaving badly as Lando tempts our hero to a decadent life of gaming while Han's own obsession with his plastic effigy grows. Gander at all this and read a pun-fully humorous punchline in this week's thrilling three panel installment of TOY WARS FOUR: THE BEST LIFE DAY PRESENT...EVER!

All in this week's eye-catching installment of...
Toy Wars 4: THE BEST LIFE-DAY PRESENT...EVER!

Ladies, BEWARE!

The chains love won't keep a scurrilous scoundrel from his vice,
They'll merely lead him to devise this strange device!

Valentine's a week away but Love's already here
-Or a facsimile thereof-when Leia finds Han
Too good to be true in the last leg of
Toy Wars 4: THE BEST LIFE-DAY PRESENT...EVER!

Well, never fear, Star Wars Collector -- Creature Cantina has got your back!

Take a break from surfing eBay and meet up with one of our eligible singles looking for a dose of lovin' in this great big, lonely galaxy.

Mothma was visibly moved and had to pause several times between deafening applause and her own tears. "We are heading in a new direction," Mothma said. "I will find a common peg for us all to stand on."

Political analysts see Mothma's appointment as signaling a change in direction for NUFF.

"It used to be that we had to fight because there just weren't enough women being represented," said Scarlett, from the Valor vs. Venom chapter of NUFF. "But now we're dealing with how we are represented."

Conservatives were delighted to hear that among Mon Mothma's plans are strategies to promote decency laws to prevent the exploitation of female action figures. Others argue that more is at stake than good taste.

"Look at Arena Padme-not only is her midriff exposed, but she has claw marks down her back. This isn't just about perverted thirty-year old male wish-fulfillment-this is about violence against women," said Omnicon Arcee, head of NUFF's non-human sub-committee.

What could it mean then, when Master Yoda is missing from the Jedi Academy?

Creature Cantina reporters have finally discovered evidence proving what many Star Wars Collectors suspected to be true from the very beginning.

The new fiery logo for the ROTS line does not actually represent Anakin Skywalker's unfortunate fall into a burning pit of lava. It is a veiled allusion to the truly Dark Forces at work behind the scenes.

Hasbro's Marketing Department is, in fact, run by Satan.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Hasbro Marketing Executive

• Name: El Diablo
• Affiliation: Hasbro, Inc.
• Weapons of Choice: Temptation, Brimstone
• Vehicle: Stretch SUV
• Allies: Cerberus, George Lucas
• Enemies: Collectors' Girlfriends, The Almighty
• Missions:
  1. Cinema Scene Madness: Installing that rooftop pool sure has drained your resources. How are you ever going to send your satanic spawn to college now? Find out how many times you can package an exclusive new figure with two older figures that everyone already has to finance your children's education!
  2. Peter Pan Complex: Can you track down the most devious advertising agents to convince collectors that they can escape the grown-up world of full-time employment and responsible bread-winning by desperately clinging to nostalgic yearnings for their childhood? (Hint: If wives or girlfriends try to intervene, release another round of scantly clad female figures.)

PRELUDE FOR PADDY'S DAY: "SOB"riety Test

It's a well-known rumor that when Lando's gambling debts get too high, he dips into the Bespin Municipal Funds.
In order to keep his floating city's treasury viable, he sometimes has to take extra measures.
Maybe this is why his Cloud Car Patrol is feared throughout the galaxy as being particularly ruthless...

Some men refused to join the Imperial Fleet.

Some men were refused by it.

But there's a little corner of the Galaxy where a man can wear a uniform without making a political statement.

A little corner of the Galaxy that goes unnoticed by the Empire.

A little corner of the Galaxy known as Bespin.

Do you have what it takes to join the men in blue?

Do you have what it takes to be a Security Officer of Bespin?

It takes people from different walks of life working together to keep the corridors of Bespin safe.

So what happens when a little ugnaught wants to join the ranks of the Floating City's finest?

Find out in this installment of Toy Wars...

The few and the proud are early to rise to make Sergeant Seeno's daily inspection of Security Officers of Bespin.

Forsake your patience! Quell your fears! Revel in your pride! Lo and behold, "The Cantina" now belongs to the people!

That's right, thanks to insanely complicated advances in modern Internet technology and several weeks of ignoring work, you too can now be a comic genius like Bill Cable with a few simple clicks of a button using our exclusive CREATE-A-CANTINA click-and-drag technology.

For years, you've enjoyed "The Cantina." Now, with CREATE-A-CANTINA, humor is beyond YOUR imagination!

Instructions:

• Select a beautifully rendered background (BG1, BG2)
• Use buttons beneath characters to change poses.
• Select character by clicking on its image.
• Click and drag characters around cantina.
• Remove images by dragging to left column.
• Use "Clear" button to clear all images.
• Activate up two text balloons with the text button ("...")
• Click and drag the balloons by the edges, or click in the center of the balloon to add your own witty dialogue!
• Click "Help" to read these instructions while playing!

Saving: We recommend using the Print Screen (PrtScrn) button and pasting the image into a paint program of your choice. You can end up with a fantastic comic of your own like this one:

We also recommend opening your Web browser to "Full Screen" to improve the grandeur of the experience...and drinking two beers to improve your sense of humor.

One fan became so absorbed, nay, obsessed with the Cantina that he even attempted to emulate Bill Cable himself.

Indeed, he erected an entire Creature Cantina fan site not long after CC's inception.

Unfortunately, his Website was mysteriously shut down a few months ago, but CC staff members were able to retrieve several files still preserved in our browsers' cache. And so, Creature Cantina presents:

When danger leaves a package at your doorstop and peril drops by for a little visit, the Security of Bespin will be right there!

Watch the swift reaction and uncanny, feline reflexes of Capt. Cirrus when he finds out trouble is in the neighborhood!

Ever dutiful, ever vigilant, Security Officers of Bespin patiently await the call to arms at the SOB Headquarters.

These brave lads know that the safety of Bespin's residents and workers requires a watchful eye and an attentive ear...

Katie has been undergoing treatment for a severe brain tumor and he family is accepting donations.

DCSWCC members have donated various items to the charity auction and Creature Cantina's own Tresob Yr has donated five his "actors" from his Star Wars Action Figure Website. That's right, not only can you make a donation to Katie's family, you can take home a piece of Star Wars memorabilia AND theatre history!

Each SWAFT actor will also include a CD containing a home version of SWAFT as well as a Certificate of Authenticity signed by Tresob Yr himself to prove that your action figure did in fact appear in a SWAFT production. The sentimental value alone makes them priceless additions to any collection!

• Henry V/Bespin Han Solo http://tinyurl.com/8ljb5
• Dr. Faustus/Grand Moff Tarkin http://tinyurl.com/bu5vj
• Aurra Sing/Aurra Sing http://tinyurl.com/8ndh3
• Pointz/Greedo http://tinyurl.com/cux6g
• Bushy/Lobot http://tinyurl.com/855nn

Please don't let these hard working performers fall into the hands of anti-theatrical philistines, sadistic customizers, or voodoo witchdoctors!

Other DCSWCC members are auctioning off the following: http://tinyurl.com/7efcg

• http://swaft.info/deskjob/c3sad.html
• http://swaft.info/deskjob/c3sad2.html

Ever true and honest, Security Officers of Bespin take their responsibilities seriously and perform their duties with honor.

They, above all others, know to respect proper authority, for authority forms the basis of the law.

As any good SOB knows, a pistol can be very persuasive.

Though they obviously prefer not to use force, the Security Officers of Bespin are equipped with the most reliable and precise personal blasters legally available in the Empire...and they always handle these lethal weapons with the utmost discipline.

Fighting against the cunning criminal mind is a battle of wits. Security Officers of Bespin have to be quick, resourceful, and innovative...

"This is going to be much better than that other Holiday Special," Lucas told Creature Cantina reporters. "It's going to be much darker and scarier. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable letting my kids watch it." Subtitled Rudolph of the Sith, the plot follows Rudolph's rise and fall as he succumbs to the temptations of the evil Santa Palpatine (Ian MacDiarmond will be reprising his role for this made for TV movie). "The special will explain precisely why Rudolph's nose glows that eerie red color," Lucas further explained. "Plus, I wanted to tell a movie about how wholesome religious holidays could become a force of Western imperialism. You know, the first Holiday Special was produced during Vietnam, and it's truly unbelievable the parallels between Christmas and Vietnam." No station has yet bought the rights to air the Holiday Special, though it is further rumored that George Lucas might in fact start his own cable channel as an outlet to run his own movies 24 hours a day.

This week our readers can see how George Lucas originally planned Ki-Adi-Mundi to escape the dreaded Order 66...

According to an early draft of ROTS which Creature Cantina recovered from George Lucas's trash, Palpatine delivers very precise exposition regarding why he hates the Jedi so much. Though the lines were cut from the actual movie, we've reinserted them in this action figure comic re-enactment.

(Those with heart conditions and/or dial-up connections are not recommended to view the following action-packed comic strip.)

It turns out that George Lucas was fully aware of this problem in his earlier drafts and actually provided significantly greater motivation for Anakin's moral collapse. In the following action figure comic, we have recreated one of those rejected scenes that showed a gradual increase in Anakin's frustration...

So what made General Grievous hate the Jedi so much?

Find out in this week's comic!

Tresob Yr's apartment has been invaded by Dollar Store Toys! Will his overpriced Star Wars figures be able to withstand the onslaught of cheap plastic knockoffs?

G: Let’s cut to the chase, Mr. Cranrattle. Fan reactions to some of Hasbro’s upcoming Star Wars toys have been ambivalent. While many of our readers are certainly looking forward to hours spent in fruitless pursuit of short-packed clone variants, many of them find the pursuit rather discouraging.

PC: Oh, Gary. You say that as if it’s a bad thing! No, you really must understand the method to our madness. It’s psychologically proven that in order to encourage repetitive behavior, it is much better to only sometimes give the test subject what they want. Think of consumers like squirrels trapped in boxes. There’s a button in the box. If the squirrel presses it, he’ll get an action figure. Now, what if we suddenly stop putting action figures out there when the squirrel presses the button? Well, he’ll soon think the figures have run out, and he’ll stop pressing the button permanently. BUT, if you randomly select when the button will bring action figures, that poor little bugger will just keep pressing that little button to no end, because he’ll always think there’s a chance a figure will come out. Now, instead of the box, think toy store; instead of the button, think cash register; and instead of the squirrel, think consumer.

G: And instead of action figures?

PC: Heh. There’s nothing besides action figures, Gary. Except maybe vehicles...

We are calling for an intervention on the part of the Star Wars community to save Tresob Yr from himself.

Our plan: kill Tresob Yr as frequently and as humiliatingly as possible within the Star Wars Battlefront online gaming world. Perhaps this will finally bring him to his senses.

As a thank you, Creature Cantina is offering a very real and very generous bounty for the BEST SCREENSHOT of Tresob Yr's demise. We are offering tangible prizes just for beating one of our own at video games! It's cruel and funny all at the same time.

• Grand prize: ROTS Commander Bacara
• Runner-up prize: ROTS Super Articulated Clonetrooper

Maybe you'll snipe him from across the Kashyyyk docks. Maybe you'll send him flying thirty feet in the air with a rocket launcher. Maybe you'll run him over in a tank. Maybe you'll just get lucky and snap a shot of him jumping off of Cloud City by accident...the more outlandish his death the better.

Submit your BEST STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT SCREENSHOT of Tresob Yr dying to tresob-is-dead@creaturecantina.com

Rules and Regulations

• Submissions must be received by Monday, August 22nd 2005.
• Submissions will be judged carefully based on originality and aesthetic merit, but they should not be altered in any way.
• Submissions must include a screenshot identifying who has killed Tresob Yr (i.e., you can submit a second shot identifying who has killed Tresob Yr).
• Observe that this contest is for the BEST SCREENSHOT of Tresob Yr being killed in Star Wars Battlefront. This means that the winner will be whoever e-mails Creature Cantina the best screenshot, and not necessarily the person who actually exterminates Tresob Yr in the game. Eg. If Killbot97 snipes Tresob Yr, but DarthJerk04 submits the best screenshot of Killbot97's handiwork, then DarthJerk04 wins the prize. Killbot97 does earn lasting notoriety, however.
• We will only accept screenshots of Tresob Yr. Don't be fooled by Tresob Yr imposters.
• Creature Cantina Staff members (especially Tresob Yr) are not eligible.
• Killing the real life Tresob Yr or any other member of the CreatureCantina.com Staff is an immediate disqualification.

How to Take Screenshots:

According to the Lucasarts website,

To take a screenshot in Star Wars Battlefront, press the "p" key during the game. The screenshots are located in C:\Program Files\LucasArts\Star Wars Battlefront\Gamedata\Screenshots.

To find Tresob Yr, logon to the Star Wars Battlefront Multiplayer Network on Gamespy and track down Tresob Yr. When you select a server, a roster of players will appear in the lower right hand corner. Tresob generally likes to hide in servers with 20+ people.

Perhaps it was poor planning. When Tresob gets on GameSpy, it shows about 80 games running. Most are vacant, but there's still a good number to sort through. And sometimes even when the people who are interested in participating are E-mailed the IP address of the server Tresob is on they can't find the listing on GameSpy. So for them, rather than finding a needle in a haystack, they're faced with finding a nothing in a haystack.

But we're not ones to give up! So we're keeping this S.O.B. rolling along. If you have a particular IP where you'd like Tresob to jump on so you can kill him, E-mail him at tresobyr@yahoo.com. Maybe he'll lead himself to the slaughter. Then you could amuse us all by posting your amusing screenshots... such as these:

And we're still trying. Tresob is still out there with a target on his chest. You could still kill him and win a figure! All you need to do is capture it in a screen shot and E-mail it to tresob-is-dead@creaturecantina.com. Here are some of Tresob's greatest examples:

That brainstorm led to the concept of a DVD series that would show the violent conquest and occupation of the Wookiee homeworld Kashyyyk through the genre of the fitness video. "Mr. Lucas always conceived of telling the story of the Wookiees this way," states a Lucasfilm press release. "Unfortunately, the technology did not previously exist to effectively produce such a film." In-between action sequences featuring Chewbacca and Captain Tarrful leading their hopeless resistance against waves of Imperial Clone Troopers, viewers will be invited to exercise to specially choreographed aerobic dance numbers set to a score composed by John Williams.

Don't bother wearing that same old musty Wookiee costume to yet another Halloween party this year... Instead, impress the men and wow the ladies in your one-of-a-kind Candy Corn Trooper T-Shirt! (We recommend either the black or orange ringer-T design, it has the certain Abercrombie look the kids go for, with just a flair of the fall season to boot.)

This item is limited to 1,000,000 units and priced at an absurdly low $40.00, so order yours today! Collectors will be eating this figure up...like candy!

Jeremy Redmon of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports that Master Yoda has in fact been spotted among the American troops in Iraq. Seriously. Okay, well, maybe not the little green alien with pointy-ears and a lightsaber, but, there is a particular Major who has picked up the nickname. Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Bossert has gained such respect from the Iraqis that fellow U.S. soldiers have nicknamed him Master Yoda, the “Star Wars” movie character who has unusual powers. They gave him that name after witnessing him persuade obstinate Iraqis to agree to missions by simply waving his hand, almost as if he is using some unseen brainwashing power.

Pretty cool, huh? But if you think that’s interesting, you should read the complete article here:

Shared language, bond of brothers

http://www.flickr.com/photos/garyfixler/55466067/in/set-1199787/

*Geek not included.

After some quick jury rigged repairs, WA-7 tries to make her way home from Dex's Diner...

10. CC.com provides an open, unfettered, and boundless medium for all of my high-concept, cutting edge, and intellectually-stimulating art.
9. The cool press release packets and rare collectibles I get sent directly from George Lucas himself!
8. Confusing foreigners.
7. The generous and extensive health benefits that Mr. Cable offers his staff.
6. The great deals I find on our banner ads. You should click one!
5. The heartfelt affection of my fellow contributors, particularly when Rensi gave me a touching cameo appearance in his comic.
4. Self-handicapping advancement in my career by spending hours on end taking photographs of toys.
3. The hot local singles and experimental medical wonders that have been introduced to my life through my very own Cantina e-mail address.
2. The four to six hits per month at http://swaft.info that my server traces back to links on the Cantina.
1. The satisfaction of knowing that you are reading this page, and some other Star Wars Website.

Go to http://www.sideshowtoy.com/php/flashfictionChoice.php and vote for "Philistines" now! Contest closes 11:59 PM on Wednesday, March 1st.

It turns out that Palpatine is a serious action figure collector who has arranged the interplanetary war as an excuse to acquire planets in possession of rare Star Wars collectibles...

Shiny things.

Oh, yes, the seductive glisten of a rare foil cardback...drawing us ever closer into the flames of hopeless consumption...
We don't need special figures.
We don't really need Ice-cream maker men or even six-breasted Tatooinese escorts...
What really makes collectors happy is metalized bases for our action figures and silver lined cards...

But if you like to UGH, then you'll love the next marketing scheme...

What? A parody Star Wars CCG? After five years of living on the cutting edge of Star Wars humor, is the CreatureCantina just a Johnny-come-lately when it comes to the whole gaming scene? Not a jot, sirrah! We know that miniatures are in and that Star Wars CCG's are on their way out...but have you ever tried downloading a set of plastic miniatures and printing them at work for free? Not a pretty sight, my friends. Not a pretty sight at all. So the CantinaCCG it is!

But what is the nature of this perfectly crapulous game of chance?

Designed to be playable by hyper-intelligent Yu-Gi-Oh-addicted third graders during recess or inebriated members of campus Hellenistic societies during dormitory quiet hours, the CantinaCCG is elegant in its simplicity yet furious in its pace. Players draw cards of nefarious Cantina patrons and arm them with lethal weapons to acquire the most covetous prize in all of Tatooine: memory-cleansing booze. To win the booze, you will pit patrons against each other in all out bar fights and high stakes bounty hunts. The player with the most booze points when the tap runs dry wins. It's a game of chance, quick wits, and skill.

More devious yet, once you have finished printing your cards and making your girlfriend and/or mother cut them out for you, you can begin your hunt for exclusive chase cards that have been strewn across some of the most popular Star Wars fan sites in the galaxy. If you don't want to download them for their insanely powerful abilities, then you'll want to do it because you are a compulsive collector and can't help it.

All of the cards feature Bill Cable's original art in the style of The Cantina comic, and three spectacular cardbacks created exclusively for the game!

Here is this week's set of six basic CantinaCCG cards!

• Greedo
• Jawa
• Drink 1
• Drink 2
• Weapon 1
• Weapon 2

And here are the three cardbacks for the three classes of cards:

• Characters cardback
• Weapons cardback
• Booze cardback

And finally, here are the play instructions. You might want to wait a few weeks to build up a more balanced deck before you play. The exclusive cards have some fairly powerful abilities, so playing with all exclusives might be a bit wonky. But if you want to try now, nobody's stopping you!

• CantinaCCG Instructions

Hammerhead's not looking for a fight, but his whopping 7 Strength means he's ready to defend his drink against some of the toughest competitors out there. You'll definitely want to max out on his card in your deck. Myo can hold his own against most patron's with his respectable 5 Strength, but he'll probably do best if armed.

And remember, ten other Websites are still hosting exclusive, high-powered CantinaCCG patrons! If you haven't found them all yet, here's a list of the sites (in alphabetical order):

• JediDefender.com
• MouseDroid.com
• RebelScum.com
• Sandtroopers.com
• Snowtroopers.ca
• SWAFT.info
• TheForce.net
• TheJawa.com
• Yakface.com
• YodasNews.com

OK... Here is this week's set of six basic CantinaCCG cards!

• Hammerhead
• Myo
• Drink 5
• Drink 6
• Weapon - Boba Fett
• Weapon - Lightsaber

And just in case you still need them (or just love the artwork), here are the three cardbacks for the three classes of cards:

• Characters cardback
• Weapons cardback
• Booze cardback

WUHER!

And if there's one thing Wuher does better than serving drinks, it's stealing them away from patrons! Just win the first barfight with Wuher, and he'll take all the other booze cards in play.

Oh, yeah, and then there's Hem Dazon.

He doesn't really do anything special.

He gets lonely on the weekends sometimes.

It's sad for him.

Anyway, make sure to download a Corellian Spice Ale, a Fizzbrew, a Blaster Pistol, and a Jawa Disrupter to round out your booze and weapons decks.

Also, if you've been playing The CantinaCCG, drop us a line and tell us about it! We'll make you famous!

OK... Here is this week's set of six basic CantinaCCG cards!

• Wuher
• Hem Dazon
• Drink 7
• Drink 8
• Weapon - Jawa Disrupter
• Weapon - Blaster Pistol