Princess Leia admits herself to the Betty Ford clinic "Too much partying on Endor" sources claim.

Rick McCallum states 'Attack of the Clones' is "The best f***ing Star Wars movie EVER!".

Rebelscum buys CollectStarWars.com, Phillip Wise quoted saying "The circle is now complete." Rumor has it that he has his sites set on Creature Cantina next....

Eager fans line up for Episode III. "We'll get in Guiness, even if we don't work, shower, or have sex for 3 1/2 years!"

N-Sync dropped from Episode II; Lucas states "I'm really more of a Backstreet fan!"

SPY REPORT: Our spy at Lucasfilm (who only used the initials "G.L." sent in a look at the new Clonetrooper figure that will included in a special "Happy Meal"!

Episode III plot reveiled: Anakin becomes Darth Vader, all the Jedi are wiped out, except for Obi-Wan and Yoda!

Reader poll: If there were Star Wars underoos in your size, would you wear them? (Ladies, please send pictures to toasty@creaturecantina.com)

SPY REPORT: Since Pepsi has pulled out of Episode II, George Lucas has struck a lucrative deal with the Royal Crown Company! "I've always liked RC cola anyway. I'm too cheap to buy brand-name soda."

Chewbacca to to appear in a new Viagra commercial with longtime spokesperson Bob Dole.

Rick McCallum asked to comment on Rebelscum/ CollectStarWars.com merger: "When I first heard it, I was like 'No F***ing Way!', now I'm like 'F*** yeah!'."

New Mace Windu figure revealed! Has new "Force Speech" feature, where the action figure talks! Lines include "Sh*t, Yoda! That's all you had to say!" and "You're going down, motherf***er!".

Mark Hamill to play Harrison Ford in new made-for-TV movie about Harrison Ford rescuing people with his helicopter.

Seen on eBay today: lots and lots of Star Wars items.

Yoda to play bass guitar on new Rolling Stones album. Keith Richards reported as saying "He's the only person I know older than me."

Jar-Jar rumored to be staring in new gay porn video. "Meesa was confused..."

Rick McCallum asked to comment on Jar-Jar gay porn video rumors: "What the f***?!?".

'N Sync sues LucasFilm for 14 minutes and 59 seconds.

New Episode I DVD to be released, George Lucas promises this one to be "Really special."

That was all that Imperial Accounting Officer Tom Pappas had to say before the Senate sub-committee last Monday on the increasingly stronger ties between the burning husk that is Enron and the Galactic Empire. The Empire has already endured many scandals as of late, the biggest the apparent cover-up of the fact that the Empire will not allow any non-humans in the Imperial Navy.

The paper trail is getting longer and longer, and a few high ranking officers who spoke off the record said matters can only get worse. Enron officials were unwilling to issue any comments due to pending legal action.

Emperor Palpatine appeared before the Senate yesterday afternoon. After enduring several grueling questions, counsel suggested that the Emperor invoke his 5th amendment rights. Immediately after pleading the 5th, the Emperor killed everyone in the Senate chamber with lightening bolts from his hand. "Foolish people, to think that I would let myself be mired by baseless rumor!"

The remaining members of the Senate are debating if they should subpoena the Emperor's personnel director, Lord Darth Vader, for questioning.

Those hit the hardest are some 100 million retired Imperial Navy officers.

"We were told that Enron stock would let us retire to any system we chose.", said retired Captain Bob Oswald. "Hell, we heard that the Emperor and Vader had back door deals that gave them all the money they could ever need. How do think they funded the first Death Star? Hold on, scratch that. I meant the Death Star."

The remains of the Senate are looking into a series of corporations on an outer rim planet named "Tatooine". Sources claim there to be thousands of shell corporations, all based on Tatooine. The local law on Tatooine is very lax, and many gangsters and scoundrels use the planet's banking system to hide illegal funds, or in Enron's case, to hide bad debt from investors.

Chairman of the First Bank of Tatooine, a Mr. Jabba T. Hutt had this to say: "I am deeply saddened by this news of Enron using my banks to launder and hide their true performance from stock holders." When asked regarding rumors that Mr. Hutt himself was using the bank for hiding illegal funds, he issued a hurried "No comment!" and slithered away.

Last week, "Trekkie Webb" was swallowed by Rebelscum. The reason? "We liked their CSS's and design layout", was the reason given to me by an anonymous insider who would only refer to himself as "Star Wars Dealer". Rumors are swirling about, some almost too crazy to believe. Almost. "They had Gus down on the ground with a gun to his head, but he refused!" is the tale from the forums at Toys R Gus.

Internal documents indicate that after RebelScum and TFN are merged under the RebelScum banner, Wise plans to compel LucasFilm to send Cease and Desist orders to EVERY OTHER unofficial Star Wars web site in the glorious tradition of Paramount Pictures. This would give RebelScum an unfettered monopoly on all Star Wars information on the Internet. Only parody sites would have the legal protection to weather such a storm of censorship!

Another anonymous poster tells of plans for Rebelscum to take over StarWars.com after Episode III. "Come on, man! Can't you see it? There will be no new toys. No new toys equals no Star Wars news. What are they going to do, become a fan site?".

Next, allow me to address my first complaint email. It would appear that not everyone at Rebelscum is such a good sport. YES! One "J.B." writes:

Guy, you are talking utter sh*t. Remove the post immediately. It is slanderous and defamatory. If you really believed anything you had written then you'd know that the consequences for you would be dire. Since you aren't worried about the repercussions, then you don't believe your own words. Which makes you a liar and an antagonist in the Star Wars community. Star Wars fans and collectors don't need people like you.

Sincerely,

*BIG CRY BABY*
Admin, Rebelscum.com

Yeah, it's really that funny. Why the hell would someone write me to complain? Oh, I guess it's so that I can continue to mock and screw with their head! Apparently, I am a "liar and antagonist" in the Star Wars community. Well, guess what J.B.?

YOU SIR, ARE A TIGHT-SPHINCTERED TEA SIPPER!!!

There. I said it. We here at the Creature Cantina have the right given by our forefathers (who chased out your forefathers in the process) via the first amendment to mock and blast whomever we see fit. God bless the US! Please read the following definition, and stop taking this all so seriously. Remember: it's only plastic and cardboard. That's all it is. It won't get you laid, and it certainly doesn't make me like you.

sat·ire (str)
noun

1. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
2. The branch of literature constituting such works. See Synonyms at caricature.

 

1. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.

REMEMBER: You give us crap, we'll give you crap!

Our prizes include an EPII Jango Fett with backdrop insert, a copy of the Star Ballz DVD (must be 21 to win this prize), and a certain special exclusive item you could only get in Indiana this past weekend! So send in your photos ASAP! All photos must be received by 12:01am on 5/16/02!!! Winners will be announced in the 5/22 update.

WARNING : THESE IMAGES ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN!!

Creature Cantina contacted the Catholic Church for comment. Sister Mary Kate Ashley responded saying, "This figure is an abomination. What we need here is some duct tape, and a few lashes of my ruler will take care of these dirty minds."

A anonymous Hasbro representative responded with this cryptic remark, "Boobies are the sh*t."

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine was quoted as saying "Excellent, everything is going as I have foreseen." When asked what exactly that meant, Mas Amadas would only state that the Chancellor was very tired, and that his work load was taking a toll on him.

A Clone Trooper patrol craft made a major drug bust last Tuesday and today they're bringing the seized drugs back to shore.

The Clone captain said that as they approached suspected drug smugglers in their go-fast starship, they saw the smugglers ejecting bales of marijuana into space.

Officials say they first spotted the ship Tuesday afternoon from a Republic Gunship patrolling the Tatooine system. That's when the individuals on board the ship allegedly began dumping their contraband overboard.

The Republic cutter Manitou recovered 63 bales of pot and brought the drugs to Port of Tatooine to turn it over to Republic officials. Authorities were not able to apprehend the alleged smugglers.

A spokes-creature for Jabba had this to say: "I don't know why Jabba would be questioned over a matter like this. Selling pot? Why would Jabba do that? He's a legitimate business man. He doesn't do anything 'illegal.'"

I managed to speak with Jabba himself.

When asked about the incident, Jabba told me he was appalled that a person was busted with such a large amount of pot.

"That was some good sh*t, man.", was Jabba's oddly placed quote. I asked him to turn down his "Phish" record so I could hear him better. When I pressed him for details, Jabba was quick to have his Gamorean Guards escort me out of his palace.

What does all this mean? I'm not sure, but if this secret picture of Jabba is a sign, then I would say I know where those 63 bales of pot were heading.

When asked for comment, Mr. Calrissian's attorney refused to answer questions, only stating "My client is not a scoundrel."

According to witnesses at the scene, a speeder being piloted by Mr. Calrissian nearly struck a group of Jedi younglings, and ran down several street cleaning droids. The speeder then ran into the side of Dexter's Diner, damaging the speeder but leaving no damage to the building. Several clone troopers rushed to scene and appeared to have led Mr. Calrissian away.

Apparently Jabba the Hutt wasn't as strict with the health licensing as he claimed to be. Efforts to reach Mr. the Hutt ended when a troop transport exploded during refueling, killing 17 Sandtroopers. The coroner reported that he hasn't been able to find any more than one person in the blast zone. "It's strange, it's like all the troopers were the same person," stated the coroner.

Starkiller also said the arrests of several suspected Separatist members recently announced by the Republic did not quell concerns.

The Separatist movement, led by the mysterious former Jedi 'Count Dooku', has been blamed by the Republic for several terrorist attacks and assassination attempts.

Republic officials said they had intelligence suggesting senior Separatist member Alto Stratus was hiding in the Outer Rum and had advance knowledge of the bombing weeks ago in which 34 beings, including eight Clonetroopers, were killed.

Here's how it works. Once we receive your figures, we thoroughly examine in our 'clean room'. We point out any flaws or defects in your figure. Once we do that, we use our specially designed patented UV-proof container. (What AFA never tells you is that UV light can still damage your mint carded figures, even in their 'fancy' acrylic cases)

Once your container has been sealed, we apply our grading label. As you can see, this Silver Boba Fett achieved a "SWEET!", represented by 4 ½ Bills. I'm sure that once these babies start hitting eBay, the prices will only continue to rise!

So, now that I have your interest, here is our pricing and grading information.

Our grading services is a mere $4.95! Add to that your preferred shipping method for your final cost.

Our grading scale is:

• One BILL: Complete and udder shit.
• One and a half BILLS: What a piece of crap!
• Two BILLS: You paid WHAT for that?!?
• Two and a half BILLS: Ehh.
• Three BILLS: Hey, you get what you pay for.
• Three and a half BILLS: Our C7-YB
• Four BILLS: Not bad, but I've seen better.
• Four and a half BILLS: SWEET!
• FIVE BILLS: F*** yeah! (NOTE - We've only seen 1, maybe 2 C3-P0's at this level. This is so minty fresh, Colgate tried to sue us!)

So that's where "Scum Connection" comes in. Some of the moderators complained about the singles board being "OT", but they were silent once realized they COULD meet a real girl! Of course, since Rebelscum is a Star Wars collecting site, the ratio of boys to girls is about 100 to 1 (that's averaging in the fat and ugly girls!). According to an 18-year old female who goes by "Leia1985" on the RS forums, "The guys are kinda geeky, but I like the odds. At least this way I can be VERY picky, and not have someone staring at my boobies."

"What we have here is a situation that arose from Hasbro shipping new product on schedule. Hell, no one expected or was ready for it.", commented Commander O'Reily. I've been able to piece together the events from this past Saturday. Some of it is still sketchy, but apparently 2 or 3 Ohio Star Wars Collectors walked into Target around 8:30 PM Saturday night. They watch a scalper shoving the first wave of the new Star Wars "Clone Wars" action figures into his bascart. Immediately, the fed-up collectors began to not only punch and kick the scalper, but they tried to shove some of the figures "where the soap don't go". Other scalpers tried rushed to their fallen fat-man, but it was too late. The scalper's head and entrails were thrown all over the new "Return of the King" and "He-Man" toys. The collectors then turned and began to brutally murder the other scalpers.

"I've always loved the snizzle of that Star Wars-izzle action. It ain't nothing but a drizzle on a fizzle and a canizzle."

We sent ace TEAM CANTINA reporter/spy Marblehead to Texas to find the truth. Apparently, truth is stranger than fiction. Our man found out that Philip has gone a little too far towards the dark side. Using the TEAM CANTINA Kodak digital camera with the broken battery door, Marblehead achieved what few men have - he scored pictures of Emperor Wise himself. The pictures are shocking, as you can see that there is more evil than man. Luckily Marblehead was also banging one of the chicks at Sears Portrait Studios, and "acquired" a photo of Emperor Wise from his recent session at Sears. Apparently even evil cannot resist 12 wallet sized, 2 5x7s and 1 8x10 for $9.99 with coupon!

George Lucas does not give out big candy bars. In fact, all he hands out is very rare (but very stale) "Star Wars" Necco wafers from the late 1970's. That's right, that man is a billionaire and he stiffs little kids on Halloween. Everyone knows that Necco wafers taste like ass. Only your Grandma likes them, and that's because they didn't have sugar 100 years ago.

We tried to reach Rick McCallum to see what he hands out for Halloween. His secretary would only reply "Oh, he likes to egg any little motherf***ers who have the balls to walk up his drive-way." I guess anyone would get a potty-mouth working with Rick. Try to talk to Natalie Portman, and it's "f-bomb this" and "f-bomb that".

Thanks to your email, the TEAM CANTINA staff and all our readers can now obtain our much needed illegal drugs at affordable prices! There's one little problem. we don't have your mailing address. We'd like to send you a corporate check, so if you can send an email to drugs@creaturecantina.com with your address and information on who we should make the check out to, that would be great!

Again, thank you for keeping us stoned out of our gourds!

YOUR FRIENDS AT CREATURECANTINA.COM!

Jabba tried everything to lose weight, but nothing seemed to work - until Weight Watchers. Here's what finally made him say "enough."

"I started really gaining weight when I was about 12 years old. I tried everything to lose the weight, but I always gained it back. By the time I had became the crime lord on Tatooine I was up to 8,500 pounds. That was the low point. Or the high point, depending on how you look at it."

"The last straw was when I stepped on and broke the ladder on my new swimming pool. I think I cried for about three months over that. Finally, I got remorseful. It's really hard to look at yourself in a mirror when you have to pay a guy to wipe your butt. So I started Weight Watchers last year. I found it fairly easy to incorporate the POINTS® System into my life. What I needed was that accountability - somebody to look me in the eye once a week and hold me responsible. My Leader was so helpful and encouraging.

"WeightWatchers.com was also great because it helped me find recipes for foods I've always loved, like French toast. I can still eat the things I like (those juicy little frogs!). I just have to tweak them a bit here and there. Instead of eating 20 or 30 frogs at a time, I just eat 5 or so. I perused the Message Boards a lot, too. Every time I faced a struggle, I went on the Boards and found that someone else was in the same boat."

"Honestly, I don't think the Plan was ever that hard because I had so much fun with it, trying to figure out how to get the most food out of my POINTS allotment. What wasn't so easy was the exercise - yuck! Because I was so overweight, I had a good deal of pain in my hips, knees and feet, which most people don't realize I had! I started crawling the very first day I was on the Plan, slowly at first, and as the weight came off, I was able to increase my distance and my pace.

"Now I move so fast nobody can keep up with me! Bib Fortuna and I walk around the palace a lot. We started with about a half a mile, and now we're up to about five miles at a time. It gives us a lot of good time to talk, so it has two benefits."

What a great story! It just goes to show that will a little help, anyone can lead a healthy and satisfying lifestyle.

The letterman jacket only comes in sizes up to XXL. Rumors abound on the Replica Prop Forums for projects to increase the size of the jackets by any means possible. Pregnancy panels, transplanting the delicate fiber optics to larger jackets - there seems to be no end to the creativity of the "size challenged" Star Wars fan.

Of all the ideas, the only ones being instantly criticized and ignored were those with subjects of "Diet" or "Atkins". "There's one thing I won't do, and that's give up my Devil Dogs or my Mt Dew!", said one Rebelscum forum post. Philip Wise is rumored to have the prototype jacket, and rumor has that he is looking to get Master Replicas to create fiber-optic "Rebelscum" hats.

Word has it the OSWCC Imperial Senate has gone to ground in their sheltered bunkers strategically hidden around the world. The trouble started when the Senate announced the annual OSWCC t-shirt would be drawn by world famous artist and philanthropist William Cable. We tried to reach Cable for comment, but he assistant stated "Eee is bizzzeee vith heez latest master peeze!".

One mysterious comment posted on the Rebelscum forums by "gooney bird" stated "Screw OSWCC! I'm moving to Arkansas!"

The Lord of the Sith issued the following statement: "Being a burn victim myself, I know the importance of quality medical care. The treatment of burn injuries has advanced so dramatically in the past two decades that the Shriners Hospitals are now routinely saving the lives of patients who, in the past, almost certainly would have died. However, now that their medical needs can be met, these burn injury survivors face another challenge: that of returning to normal life in a society that places tremendous emphasis on physical appearance. The burn care professionals at Shriners Hospitals have turned their attention to helping these patients function more normally in society."

The hospital in return issued the following statement: "Most burn victims are able to resume normal lives, but some are still restricted by the level of care required. In the most severe cases some of the victims were only able to survive while wearing protective life support equipment. The cost of this equipment has been very restrictive. Hopefully with Lord Vader's donation we will be able to gain insight and begin new research into new treatments."