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A new staffer AND a new FEATURE!!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 11.26.03 12:01am
Greetings readers! CC.com is thrilled to introduce our newest staffer: Steve "Solo" Rensi! Steve's a photo comic artist. Think of POTFtoo.com or Toy Fare's action figure "Big Shot" feature. Steve continues the POTFtoo.com tradition with "Galactic Postal Delivery." But be warned - this is a comic strip fit only for publication on CreatureCantina.com. It features adult themes, language, and violence not suitable for small children. We at CC.com wouldn't have it any other way!!! You've been warned...
Still here? Then click on over to check out Galactic Postal Delivery Episode I: Postal Route!!!!
Stray Blaster Shots
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 12.10.03 12:01am
Random Thoughts and Advice from Galactic Postal Delivery's #1 Postal Guy, Han Solo.
- It takes two, count him two, blaster shots to take care of an angry Massiff.
- Don't eat shrimp in front of Ackbar, apparently its offensive or something.
- Shiny objects can distract Lando long enough for you to jump out the nearest window.
- Lobot and microwaves just don't mix.
- Chewie's hair can turn up in the weirdest places (Arrarrrggg Ruuuurrrg - the sink did not clog itself!).
GPD Episode 2
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 12.17.03 12:01am
Coming to you direct, here at CC.com, is another great episode of Galactic Postal Delivery. I hope you enjoyed the first one and thanks for the great reviews... wait there was only one.
In this episode, Fishing With Tarkin, Imperial leader of Duct Tape City, tries another attempt at a hit TV show. Tarkin host a fishing show with his loyal slave/assistant Ackbar and his second-in-command Captain Piett. Guest starring Mace Windu!
Galactic Postal Delivery Episode II: Fishing with Tarkin
My Christmas post
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 12.24.03 12:01am
Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah from the citizens of Duct Tape City. I'm glad you all enjoy Galactic Postal Delivery. Good luck in your hunts, I hope you all find what you need. Please take time this holiday season to be thankful for what you have and take an extra moment to wish our troops abroad. The are out there defending our freedom and liberty, which too many of us take for granted. And a Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Galactic Postal Delivery - Episode III!!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 01.14.04 12:01am
Anywhere the staff of Galactic Postal Delivery goes, chaos is sure to ensue. And what better setting could you find for violence and mayhem than a zoo???!! Enjoy the spectacle in GPD - Episode III: A Day at the Zoo, and be sure to check out the newly-created Galactic Postal Delivery Forum in the Cantina Forums! You can discuss the GPD comics with your friends, and find links that I posted to previous episodes of GPD.
Stray Blaster Shots
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 01.21.04 12:01am
Random Thoughts and Advice from Galactic Postal Delivery's #1 Postal Guy, Han Solo.
Look...I realize this Random Blaster Shots aren't always funny. I'm just trying to keep interest peeked, between GPD episodes. However if you think there funny, thank you and please tell me.
- Do not, no matter what call Bubba a monkey. He doesn't take it well.
- Stormtroopers actually enjoy a nice little insurance policy.
- Bubba single-handedly killed and devoured the Clydesdales after they spilt beer they were delivering to him.
- Lobot's not allowed back to the zoo. Neither is Lando.
- Mace Windu and his Weapons Shop are single handedly responsible for driving the U.N out of Duct Tape City.
CC.com Forum's Rocking After Invasion
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 01.21.04 12:01am
When CreatureCantina.com decided to post Galactic Postal Delivery, they had no idea what they were getting into. Last week, our glorious leader created a GPD section in the Creature Cantina Forums...and the floodgates were open up. The creator of GPD, me Solo, and my loyal associate invaded the forums, overran BillCable's perimeter and in one week quickly inundated the forums with near 100 new posts between us. So come join us and keep CC.com Forums ROCKING!
Stray Blaster Shots
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 02.04.04 12:01am
Random Thoughts and Advice from Galactic Postal Delivery's #1 Postal Guy, Han Solo.
- The $5 Grandma sends in your birthday card every year is considered a "tip" in technical Postal speak.
- That plain brown paper wrapping isn't fooling anybody.
- If anyone ever asks you what the ethnic food of Afghanistan is, its those little yellow food packets we dropped.
- Getting pulled over by a Chicken Walker is not funny. To you at least, your friends will laugh for days. (Dammit stop laughing Wicket!)
- When a nipple is decorated as such, it was fully meant to be shown to the World during half time of the biggest game of the year. Wardrobe malfunction my ass.
Oh and for my personal gratification, I'm about 2 weeks and 24 post from overtaking Supreme Commander Bill Cable in his own forums! HA....A new reason CC.com sucks.
Galactic Postal Delivery: Episode IV
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 02.11.04 12:01am
When you need a package delivered to the dangerous Island of Misfit Toys, who do you call? The Postal Guys of course! But what awaits our hero's on this island of toys that are ugly, stupid and have the just plain "What the..." factor? And will they be able to escape the clutches of the Evil Confederation who rule the island?? Also, Spiderman goes BLIND!
Galactic Postal Delivery - Episode IV: A Visit to the Island of Misfit Toys!!
Stray Blaster Shots.
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 02.25.04 12:01am
Random Thoughts and Advice from Galactic Postal Delivery's #1 Postal Guy, Han Solo.
- Never open a letter with a camel stamp and address from Ack-Mar Jahabad. Speaking of which - what the hell is this white powder in this letter. Sugar?
- Wait Oola's replacing Martha Stewart? Oola can cook? I thought she was only good for (CENSORED).
- I'm actually going to miss that Gorton Fisherman - his beer-battered Gungan sticks were de-lic-ous.
- Hey there Bill, I wouldn't knock those Handmaidens. Those are some "talented" ladies. Take credit cards too.
- When the Imperial Blood Bank asks you to donate blood, ask if it has to be yours.
The Invasion is Over!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 02.25.04 12:01am
As of last week, Bill Cable was de-thrown in his own Forums. The fighting was fierce, but I was eventually able to overtake Bill's post count and shame him in his own territory. As I write this the post-count was Solo:161 to Bill's 149. But I have decided to be a gracious victor and invite all of you to come enjoy the most humorous forums of the web. So register now and join the fun! Except for you rafae...er jedi5...your not welcome.
GPD-V: Hey, It's a Bar Fight!!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 03.10.04 12:01am
After working a long & tedious day delivering the mail, the Postal Guys go where the always go to relax, the Cantina! Usually the fighting starts after they're drunk, but this time...
In all seriousness, this episode is just an excuse for senseless WWE-style violence. So enjoy! And remember violence is a great solution to any problem.
Galactic Postal Delivery V
Top Ten Reasons CreatureCantina.com KICKS ASS!
Posted by: Steve 04.07.04 12:01am
- The Headlines: Yeah, that's right; don't ignore those quick news briefs over there on your right. There funny.
- SirSteve. Bill's constant bitch slaps to this b*stard are always funny.
- It's the Official Website of the PSWCS. I mean, it has to be - Bill's our president.
- Big E, Baldy & Durge: They don't contribute every week (except Durge, but he's new - it'll wear off), but when they do - it's always funny.
- CreatureCantina Sucks! What other website would have the balls to say that about itself.
- Sandy's Quick Shots: They're funny - I think - yeah they're funny. There worth #5 on this list just for the shot they got over on Brig.
- The Cantina Forums: My self-proclaimed kingdom. They're the most relaxed, comical, forums on the Internet today. So sign up today and join the party.
- The Cantina Comic: The funniest cartoon comic on the web, and the most faithful part of CC.com. It's always there at the end of every update, ready to make you smile.
- Galactic Postal Delivery: Awww - GPD. I believe it speaks for itself. Check it out and prepare to laugh your ass off. We push the limits of common decency, and may piss a few of you off, but c'mon you know we're f-bombing funny.
- Cable Original Art Gallery: The best Star Wars art on the web, end of story. Period. Nothing more to say. (And shut up I'm obligated to kiss Bill's ass, it's part of the contract I sign to get GPD on this site.)
GPD#6 - New Faces, More Beer
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 04.07.04 12:01am
In the Season 1 finale, changes abound in Galactic Postal Delivery. The Postal Guys get a new boss, but what will become of Lando? New Characters are introduced. New Enemies cause trouble for our heroes. We find out where Bubba gets his beer. And a new Postal Guy is brought aboard... you'll never guess who it is! See it all in:
Episode VI: New Faces, More Beer
The Origin of Bubba
Posted by: Steve 04.21.04 12:01am
Since Galactic Postal Delivery has begun appearing here on CreatureCantina.com, one character has stood out among the rest, Bubba. Yes, the large, beer-swilling gorilla has become sort of fan-favorite to those loyal readers of GPD, and now has come the time to reveal the ORGIN OF BUBBA!
(Note: This is based on the GPD universe and it's history. So, some of your favorite Star Wars characters will show up, but not entirely how you know them. They will be their "GPD self.")
Click here for the rest of the story.
Solo's Quick Draws
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 06.02.04 12:01am
While I'm getting ready to begin working on the rest of GPD Season 2, I figure I work on some little one shots featuring the CC.com sign. Yes, I realize they're no drawings and no, I'm not busting on Sandy. But anyhow, enjoy my new feature and I hope you find them funnier then the pieces of crap I called my Random Blaster Shots.
"The Drunks Panhandle for Beer Money."
Galactic Postal Delivery - SEASON 2!!!
Posted by: Steve 06.30.04 12:01am
We're proud to present the triumphant return of Galactic Postal Delivery!! After 6 solid episodes, how can we bring in Season 2 with a bang? I'll tell you how... with the biggest damn GPD comic you've ever seen! How big is it? It's so big that We couldn't do it in one strip. Readers would have just gotten through the first 20 pages and just putter out... "When is this thing going to end???" So what are we going to do with it? We're releasing it in THREE PARTS! That's right... every Wednesday for three weeks we're going to release a new segment of the first episode of Season 2. Are you ready for that much GPD action? Then check out chapter 1 of Episode VII - BattleMania!!!!!!
GPD: BattleMania Part 2!!!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 07.07.04 12:01am
The first rule of BattleMania is that you don't talk about BattleMania. The next rules of
BattleMania... well, they're a big mish-mash of WWE jargon and Mortal Kombat fatalities. I can't make
heads or tails out of it either.
Last week we published the first part of BattleMania. This week we publish the second. And next week
we'll publish the final segment. This week, it's dead Jedi all over the place! Enjoy the carnage in Episode VII, chapter 2: BattleMania!!!!
GPD: BattleMania FINALE!!!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 07.14.04 12:01am
The end is upon us! But this armageddon isn't going to be fought on a mountain in the Middle East... this one is fought in the Pepsi Coliseum! This week we conclude the epic first Episode of Season Two of Galactic Postal Delivery with a rip-roaring, all out, no-holds-barred bare-knuckle brawl!
So who's ready for 8 pages of Chewie and Han doing wrestling moves???!!
Episode VII - BattleMania FINALE!!!!!!
A smattering of Quick Draws
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 08.04.04 12:01am
Yes, it's my triumphant return to CC.com. God I missed it. And that's kinda sad... Oh, well I hope my return is welcome anyway. To celebrate my return, I present you, my loyal fans with 4, yes 4 of my quick draws.
"What's That Chewie...Kill Them All?
"We do not S-S-S-Suck."
"I Really Believe, Slowly But Surly He Is Going Insane..."
"CC.com Introduces Their New Security System."
The long-awaited return of GPD!!!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 10.27.04 12:01am
The Postal Crew would like to wish all their fans a Happy Halloween by inviting them to go Trick-or-Treating with them. Don't get too exited kiddies, it's a short one.
Galactic Postal Delivery Episode VIII: Halloween
A GPD Video Game tribute
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 11.03.04 12:01am
Another GPD short for all of you enjoy. This one pays tribute to the greatest game series of all time....GRAND THEFT AUTO! So f*ck Halo...yeah I said it.
Galactic Postal Delivery Episode IX: Grand Theft Auto
Uh-oh... now it's GPD's Toy Wars!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 12.01.04 12:01am
Galactic Postal Delivery comes at you again to give a special welcome that only we can give to CC.com's newest staff member, Tresob Yr. Welcome aboard "buddy", he he he. And would someone please send me Photoshop for Christmas?
Episode X, chapter 1: Toy Wars
Galactic Postal Delivery #11
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 01.26.05 12:01am
Even feared and famous Bounty Hunter's get the cold. So what does one Boba Fett do when he comes down with a nasty, iki-poo cold? He goes to GPD's Research & Development Team of course. Warning: Do not operate heavy machinery while viewing this comic.
Episode XI: I Hab a Cod
GPD's homage to "The Cantina"
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 02.16.05 12:01am
To show my "love" for Bill Cable & CreatureCantina on this the most wretched of all holidays, I went back through the CC.com archives and found Bill's first "The Cantina" comic and did up Galactic Postal Delivery style! And no that doesn't mean adding profanity, big explosions and dirty jokes...although...hmmm...that would be interesting to see at the Cantina.
What Would You Do for Episode III Figs?
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 03.30.05 12:01am
Ok here's the situation, you're in your local hell pit of a Wal-Mart on April 2 and you're after Episode III figs. Someone just grabbed the figure you want, ohh let's say a Chewbacca with WOOKIEE RAGE! for example. What would you do?
Option 1:
Calmly and politely talk to the person and explain how Chewie is your favorite character of all time and you would really like that figure. After all diplomacy is key.
Analysis:
You are a pansy. A nancy boy. Chances are you're not getting the figure. Go home and cry now. Frenchy!
Option 2:
Being bigger then the other person, you raise to your full height, look him in his eye and tell him he ain't making to the parking lot alive if he takes that Chewbacca.
Analysis:
Ahh, now this is more my style. You have balls my friend. If you do take this route, chances are the person will capitulate pretty fast. If he doesn't, be prepared to act on your threats. Go for the soft spots, eyes and throat. Don't be afraid to knock him out in front of his kids.
Option 3:
Wait for the person to turn his back and snatch the figure out his cart. Don't head directly for the register, try to lose him in home & garden.
Analysis:
Really sneaky, not for everyone, but it will do for some. If you go down this route, getting caught makes it all that more complicated.
Option 4:
The person in fact with the figure is 7 year old. As he's running down the aisle with the figure to his mom, you clothesline him. And before his Sponge-Bob SquareAss can hit the floor, you grab the figure and run making Wookiee yells to the cash register before the kid can regain consciousness and Mom can make a positive ID.
Anaylsis:
Congratulations, you killed your conscience. Admit it, you always thought it was annoying.
So what you do? I'll see you on the battlefield this Saturday.
GPD Loves CreatureCantina.com
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 04.06.05 12:01am
It's been about a year and a half since Galactic Postal Delivery premiered on Creature Cantina and we're still around. I'll be damned. To show my appreciation to Bill Cable for sharing my little creation with the world and for allowing my special breed of humor to go with only minor edits and for not reporting me to the authorities when he could, I created a little thank you art for CC.com. Thanks Bill! You're a true friend.
GPD goes to the Cantina
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 04.06.05 12:01am
Wow. Four years of Creature Cantina. And they never received any mail. Well that's all about to change. Yes, worlds collide when our heroes the Postal Guys show up at the Cantina. What will happen? Who will die? Who will get drunk? Who will pay the tab? Be prepared when GPD makes its presence known at the Cantina.
Episode XII: Creature Cantina
Missing...
Posted by: Steve 04.13.05 12:01am
GPD: Han meets is sworn enemy
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 04.20.05 12:01am
BooYah! loyal fans of Galactic Postal Delivery. In this week's exciting adventure. Han encounters every postman's arch-nemesis. But lucky for us weekly readers of CreatureCantina.com, Solo is not your average postman. And remember, support your local conceal-carry laws.
Episode XIII: Nemesis
Photoshop or I Kill the Duck
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 08.10.05 12:01am
Loyal CC.com fans. I know what you crave. I know what you want. I know what you look forward to every wed, only to get disappointed by another adventure of the SOB. You want NEW GALACTIC POSTAL DELIVERY! And I loved to supply your addiction, but you see there's a problem. In order to give you the highest quality of scoundrel-induced, almost illegal humor I need Photshop. And I'm getting pretty desperate. So here's the deal, Someone out there send me a copy of Photoshop or I (and my partner in crime Brig) shoot this innocent duck. That's the deal: Photshop or I go duck hunting for real.
I ain't never seen nutting like that
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 01.18.06 12:01am
In honor of the 100th Cable Original, I am proud to bring you another Galactic Postal Delivery/ Cantina crossover true-believers! The Cantina Aliens travel to Duct Tape City and run into trouble and as expected hilarity ensues. And I guarantee no matter how many state fairs or forest fires you been too, you ain't never seen nutting like this episode of GPD. (Note to readers: I started editing this lightly tipsy with 2 Jack and Pepsi's and a beer in me and managed to sober up by the end. Hooray!)
Galactic Postal Delivery Episode XV - I Ain't Never Seen Nutting Like That
Grudge match!
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 02.15.06 12:01am
I was flipping through the channels yesterday and I came across E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial and I came to 2 startling conclusions. 1) You truly are a heartless Republican when you start rooting for the government in ET. and 2) ETs are technically part of the Star Wars universe.
I mean they are part of the Senate in Episode 1. So somewhere within the Star Wars universe is the ET planet. And if you ever rode the ET Ride at Universal Studios, you would know Felucia looks suspiciously the ET home world. So as I started to think about this I realized that if ET did exist in the Star Wars universe, the following is highly possible to have occurred.
Imagine the possibilities.
Introducing the new "Guns for Collectors" program
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 05.03.06 12:01am
There seems to be a lot of useless bitching lately on the state of Star Wars collecting. As usual collectors are attacking and blaming Hasbro for everything. I'm surprised they haven't been accused of global warming and high gas prices yet. But I'll admit things are getting rough out there for collectors. I sometime feel I have a better chance finding Jimmy Hofa in the toy aisle than new figures. Completists are going nuts over these Ultimate Galactic Hunt figures (side note: i still believe completists are nuts to begin with for forgetting these are toys to be played with). People are taking proof-of-purchases off of Vintage Saga Trilogy Collection figures to get the exclusive George Lucas. Everyone and their sister is looking for Scorch (another side note: I have one, HAHA!). Fist fights are breaking out in the toy aisle. And on top of this all, scalpers still roam and people who have fully jumped on the bitch wagon still buy from them.
Well I have a solution to all of this: Start issuing guns to collectors. Open season will be declared on scalpers (no tags and no bag limit). You want that Ultimate Galactic Hunt Han Solo with the variant force pike with the number 3 printing on it with the rare Luke Skywalker hologram figure, well damn it you're going to have to shoot someone. This program should be beneficial to the entire collecting community. Scalpers will be killed in record numbers, and the overall collecting community would shrink, meaning more toys for the survivors. Also the economy will flourish as retailers will have to hire more clean up guys to mop up the blood and fix the bullet holes. Everyone wins... except those that get shot.
The Pennsylvania Star Wars Collecting Society will be forming a special Task Force to hunt down scalpers and abusive collectors and those who bitch and whine to their wives because they didn't get a UGH figure.
So go out and start collecting care free again and remember; squeeze, don't pull, the trigger.
GPD: Flag & Fireworks
Posted by: Steve "Solo" Rensi 07.19.06 12:01am
What's this? A new full-length GPD episode? Yes, loyal fans, it's true, it's true! Alert the presses, hide the children, tell Al Gore to f*** off, Your Postal Heroes are back! Season 2 starts once more: In the wake of the Battlemania celebration of Lando's demise, a new villain starts her insidious plot to take down Galactic Postal Delivery and bring forth absolute despotism to the citizens of Duct Tape City. It's up to the Postal Crew and the rest of the freedom loving regulars of GPD to defeat this new nemesis and her evil plots. Now with out further ado, I present The Flag & Fireworks.
(Note: This episode contains highly patriotic imagery and may not be suitable for liberals and those with the tendency to vote Democrat.)
Galactic Postal Delivery Episode XVI, chapter 1: The Flag & Fireworks
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