Anyway, I mean desperate when it comes to the opposite sex. I have read forums about whether or not Amy Allen's boobs are real and posts about freaking out when a hot girl walks by. And the Star Wars sexual innuendos have really gotten old.

I have come to feel bad for these individuals, it's really sad to hear collectors argue about who is the "hottest" dancer from Jabba's Palace, which by the way is Lyn Me. And it is even sadder to know that some of these collectors haven't seen the light of day since Attack of the Clones was released because they never leave their parents basement let alone have any experience with a woman. This includes holding hands. It's so bad that these collectors are sitting around rubbing the boobs on the 12" Padme for a "good time." Yeah... it's a scary thought.

So being a fellow collector I have come up with a list of things not to say and do on a first date. Hell, these guys will be lucky if they ever get a date, so if they do get a date I don't want them to screw it up. It may be their only chance. Personally, I don't believe people like this should breed offspring, but who am I to judge. Besides what to do with a woman in the bedroom is a topic that we'll discuss at a later time, we need to make sure that they don't F-up the first date .

Here we go:

So now that we have addressed a few things that you shouldn't do on your first date, you may hopefully be able to get some "loven." Now you can quit "feeling up" that poor Padme doll. If you are a collector that has never been on a date please follow this list of helpful hints. Think of this list as a lightsaber, a weapon that no Jedi should be without.

If you, by luck, do get the chance to go on a date, please share your experiences with the writers and other readers of Creature Cantina. Because, we all need something to laugh at and make fun of.

With the start of the new year right around the corner, the gang from Jabba's Palace is back in the studio recording their first new album in over two decades. Around the Galaxy and Back Again is due out in stores sometime in March. The first single that will be released from the album is Scalper's Paradise. In talking with Max Rebo, he said that the band wanted to do something new that reflected today's society and the band. The band also wanted to get back to it's roots with just the three original members, Sy Snootles, Droopy McCool and Max Rebo. Barquin Dan, as well as Rappertunie make special guest performances on the first release. "We released some tribute albums when the Special Edition was in theaters in the later part of the 90's, but it wasn't the true Max Rebo Band. After the release of the Special Edition, we all went our separate ways for awhile, Sy was working on her fourth marriage, Droopy was in and out drug rehab, he became hooked in the mid 80's after the release of ROTJ. He couldn't handle the fame."

A few more months and my wife and I will be having our first child, a son. So in anticipation of my first son, who will one day inherit the old man's Star Wars collection, I have started a collection for him. He already has the full line of Playskool Star Wars toys and a few other little items that when he is a toddler he may enjoy. As father and son we will rule the Star Wars collecting community!

His collecting interests are the Star Wars Play-Skool line, vintage SW board games and both vintage and new Star Wars coloring books and children's books. Connor's favorite Star Wars item is his vintage Darth Vader night-light.

And he already knows what website sucks...

"NO, its not!" For those of you that don't know who Mark Hamill is, he was the star of the "famous" Comic Book the Movie and he played Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars trilogy. I turned Comic Book the Movie off after about the first 5 minutes it was so bad. Our good buddy, the famous Mark Hamill will be signing autographs at Comicon this weekend for a whole whopping 2 hours. Usually, Mr. Hamill will not sign any Star Wars items. I don't know why, since Star Wars is what made him famous. I wonder why he is so gracious to sign Star Wars items this week? It may because ol' Ben and Phil from C2V are going to charge you an astonishing $85 a pop. Oh, it gets even better. For $85 dollars Mark Hamill will only sign an official 11" x 14" print from C2V. He will not sign any other item.

Well, I still burn candles. However, I think I finally have learned a lesson after all these years. Maybe I should have listened to my dad. I was in my Star Wars room in the attic one afternoon and went down to the kitchen for a drink and a sandwich. I was gone a total of 5 minutes. I left my ceiling fan on and the candles burning. When I got back to the attic several candles had burnt down due to the ceiling fan and the wax ran down the shelves of my vintage Star Wars ships and GI Joe vehicles.

Burning the house down is one thing,,, burning down my Star Wars collection is another! Mom and Dad you were right candles are not toys.

Now he is on hard times, again, and needs to free up some cash. So, he is selling is prize possession.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4358471666

Some regulars at the club include Bib Fortuna, Max Rebo, Bob Raspet and Phil Wise. So hurry if you want a chance to see Oola and Aayla Secura jiggle their "goods" one last time.

Oh those poor, poor Ewoks!

Kids, your toys should not be played with in this manner, these are sick perverted people. And if anything Bossk would be Chewbacca's bitch!

Look out because you never know where the "sign" will show up.

First let’s start with the cover. I give the cover two very enthusiastic thumbs up. When I bought the magazine I totally thought there would be more SW things in the mag as well as a great pictorial of Bai Ling. I loved the lightsaber that Bai Ling was holding and the Playboy Bunnies hiding in the blade were terrific. Bai Ling actually looked good. I admit I was disappointed to hear that it was Bai Ling featured in the magazine and not some of the hot Jedi women. You know who I’m talking about: Amy, Nalini, and Orli.

The Star Wars article was nothing great. It was the same old BS that you can get from watching the dumb “I love the 80’s” show on VH1 with that moron Mo Rocca. By the way if anybody had to have gotten their ass beat in school growing up, it was that guy. I was hoping for some inside info into Revenge of the Sith info or at least some cool “Did you know” type stuff.

Now, Bai Ling. Oh my where do I begin, what a let down. After reading her article, I wanted to go seek professional psychiatric help. Yes I really did read the article, because in my opinion she wasn't much to look at. Now, I don't want to start some new holy war with the readers that have never left their mom and dad's basement and have never seen a woman naked other than what they can see on the proverbial "fuzzy channel." She should have never have been released from the mental institution. No kidding she really was in one, they even gave her shock treatment, but she can’t remember. She talks about how she hooked up and slept with some guy and then goes on to some other ramblings about floating around like a butterfly and swimming with whales or some crazy crap like that. She sounds like an 8-year old on acid. I mean what a total f-ing freak.

If it is true, thank you George for cutting her scenes from the Episode III.

So for all you guys that didn't leave mom and dad's basement and venture out to CIII here is your chance to check out the hot chicks from CIII!!

You'll notice several of the photos were stolen from yours truly, the Creature Cantina.

Introducing Keg-2D2! He’s sure to be the hit of your next party!

For the past 25 years I have loved Star Wars. When I was a kid it was normal, when I was a teen it was weird and now that I’m thirty it’s scary. People call me a dork all of the time. But what now all of a sudden is trendy and fashionable; being labeled a dork, I have learned to embrace years ago. For me it was a badge of honor to be called a dork...

This week I would like to explore the topic of dating. Well, not just dating for the average person, but dating for a Star Wars fan. Now, I will say that for you “basement dwellers,” you know who you are, it can be pretty hard to find a date. The inflatable doll that you so conveniently named “Padme”, will only get you so far. Sure, you may enjoy those Friday nights getting to know each other and those cold winter nights cuddling under the blankets, but “Padme” really isn’t good dating material. “But Jeditronzo, I love 'Padme.'” C’mon, she is not a good conversationalist, she doesn’t have a mind of her own, you can’t be seen with her in public and I am pretty sure your parents and therapist will disapprove of her. My friend, it is time to move on, it is time to let “Padme” go.

But, don’t worry my friends Jeditronzo is here to help!!!

I am going to explain two methods of picking up chicks that might help you find true love. The first method is the Bobafett14 Method.

1. Hanukkah Darth Vader – This is a repack of the POTF figure and will be a Wizard World exclusive. Hanukkah Darth Vader with be packaged with a Menorah. The figure will come in the new ROTS style packaging and will retail for $19.99. Only 30,000 are being made.
2. Imperial Boarding – This box set will feature 2 POTF Stormtroopers with Darth Vader and 3 POTF Rebel Fleet Troopers. This set depicts the Imperial boarding party from the beginning of A New Hope. This is an Entertainment Earth exclusive and will retail for $29.99.
3. Pregnant Padme – This is a repack of the ROTS Padme with all new pastel packaging. The exclusive figure can only be obtained by registering in the baby department at your local Toys R’ Us. The figure is limited to 10 per store. The figure does come with all new accessories such as a diaper bag, two rattles and a baby bassinet.
4. Han Solo with Millennium Falcon Micro Machine – This figure can be yours with 5 gas fill-ups from participating 7-11’s and $9.99 shipping and handling. This is a repack of the SAGA Han Solo with the Millennium Falcon Micro Machine in a special green and white blister pack.
5. C-3PO with lava reflection - This figure will be shipped in a protective case from Shop Star Wars.com. The figure will cost $17.99 plus $7.95 for shipping.

When asked about his thoughts on the Red Sox new intimidating pitcher, George Steinbrenner’s reaction was one of disbelief. "That thing is an animal and should not be allowed on the freaking mound. And let’s not forget his agent, she’s a real ball breaker."

"The Jeditronzo13 Excellence Award is given to those whom I deem worthy and display integrity, auction accurateness, quick payment, polite responses and most importantly do not gouge on shipping."

I bestow upon you the coveted Jeditronzo13 Excellence Award for superior service!

A: Well Jonathon, I should hope that you don’t have a “Proud parent of an honor student” sticker on the back of your mini-van. Daddy’s little fifth grader needs to go back to the third grade. The last time I checked $40.00 divided by 5 figures is $8.00. Maybe you should go back to the third grade as well. Your daughter would be so proud, you two can even share Snack-Packs.

Q: There are a zillion clone variants available across all the toy lines right now. My question is why has Commander Cody been totally ignored? He actually had lines in the movie, which puts him head and shoulders ahead of a load of toys that have been made. Enough of the Anti-Cody bias! -Brad Collier

A: Brad, how many zeros are in a zillion?...

Click here for the rest of the story.

Speaking of collection inventory
Posted by: Jedi Tronzo 01.18.06 12:01am
Over Christmas break Philip and the gang from Rebelscum went to Rancho Obi-Wan to help Steve Sansweet inventory his collection. WOW!!!! I can only imagine how cool it would be to help Steve inventory his collection.

Well, there was that one time he took us to Hooters at C3. That was cool. Hooters, beer and Star Wars. I bet y'all didn't get scantly clad women at Sansweet's!!!

More unusual Star Wars porn
Posted by: Jedi Tronzo 01.18.06 12:01am
Recently my buddy Vaughn came to visit over Christmas and help inventory some of my collection. During the course of the day, we were working up a thirst, so I went down to the kitchen to grab some iced tea. Now, Vaughn is an honest guy, I knew that he wouldn't try and sneak a few items from my collection. When I came back to the attic, I saw something more shocking than Vaughn trying to steal my coveted Hal Wamsley autographed Jawa figure... Yes he was molesting my dog!

A rebuttal from Vaughn: DAMMIT THE DOG MOLESTED ME. I was petting him under the chin and he tried to hump me... the rocket even made an appearance. I'm traumatized for life!!! I don't know what Tronzo is teaching that dog!?!?

Six degrees of Star Wars: It all comes back
Posted by: Jedi Tronzo 02.01.06 12:01am
I am sure that all of you are aware of the game "Six Degrees of Bacon." If not then you need to get out of your parents' basement. "Six Degrees of Bacon," is a game that the player must connect any given actor or actress to Kevin Bacon in six steps or less. Well I am challenging all readers to submit to me any given actor or actress and I'll find a way to connect it to Star Wars in six steps or less.

So, you're probably wondering what you win if you stump me. Well, nothing. I tried to break into Bill Cable's house last week when I was in town on business, but that was thwarted because his oldest daughter was just happening to stay home sick along with the rest of his family. They were guarding the entrance into the C-3PO collection room like vultures defending fresh road kill on the interstate. If you stump me, you get bragging rights that can be used to bad mouth me to all of your internet friends. You can be the King of the Dorks! E-mail your challenges to jeditronzo@creaturecantina.com.

Tronzo's 'From a Certain Point of View'
Posted by: Jedi Tronzo 04.05.06 12:01am
For years I have been preaching how Star Wars fans should get out of mommy and daddy's basement and live a little. Well folks, here is just one more example of how pathetic some people are.

By the way, don't forget to renew your pathetic fan club memberships and vote for "Big E" Franks for fan club president. If "Big E" was president, the fan club would be a lot cooler! Vote for efranks@netenigma.com.